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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Fathers day revelation
Post Info TOPIC: Fathers day revelation
glad lee


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Fathers day revelation
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Hi CB, glad you came here to get that out of your system. I totally relate.

We once knew a couple in their early 60's, and the woman had become very ill and was bed-ridden/wheelchair bound. Whenever we got together, I would observe how beautifully her husband cared for her, they looked very happy together.  I would often obsess on how, should it ever come to it, my AH would NEVER do that for me....

Before I crawled into al-anon, I focused a lot on what I wasn't getting... all the negatives... and the inequity of our marriage, blah, blah, blah.  I totally lived (and suffered) in my dis-ease,  I focused on the bad stuff, and the bad stuff got bigger and bigger.  Once I became blessed with a sponsor, she helped put things in perspective, she helped me to see that I had always been taken care of - and it was never my husband doing it.  Higher power had been taking care of me all along. Even better, would ALWAYS take care of me, I did not have to rely on my own solutions, but rather, rely on God.  What a relief! 



Please take what you like, my friend. I can't boast that I stayed in an alcoholic marriage, as I began to recover, he pulled away and moved out. Today, how it works for me, is to not ask God to change my circumstances but rather to change ME, I gotta lower my expectations or else I become full of resentment.  I sure don't want to wait for this, that, and the other thing to happen before I can be happy, so I keep coming back to hear the solution  ((hugs))






-- Edited by glad lee on Monday 18th of June 2012 11:28:17 AM

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The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
Country Boy


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My father passed away about 1 1/2 years ago from liver cancer. He was a recovered alcoholic for the last 25 years or so of his life. My wife is an alcoholic, in fact she is the alcoholic my father was. Drink, pass out & repeat. He was never mean or abusive, just not available.

My AW yesterday in the middle of preparing a festival for her father said she felt bad because she is so wrapped up with plans for her father she didn't think about me not being able to celebrate with mine. I am sad that I can't do that anymore but I what I feel that I am missing more is that I can't talk with him about dealing with her alcoholism. If there was ever any one that I wish I could talk to it would be him. Fathers day was not hard, it's the daily dealings with her alcoholism that is.

 

She really doesn't get it. She has no idea the pain she has caused me. The pain she has brought back from my childhood. I understand though. Alcohol is preventing it. This is the first concern of my well being she has had in ..........I guess I can't really remember, must have been when my dad passed. She was pretty "numb" throughout all that so I'm not really sure. It hit me that I don't have a partner that is capable of caring for me. Once in who knows how many years is not enough.

 

On a positive note we had a good dinner for her father, who I like a lot! It was nice. Her brother didn't even get drunk though he did boast about all the things he couldn't remember from the night before. But hey, i'll take it! I didn't have to deal with his drunken obnoxiousness! I'll take 'em where I can get 'em!



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Mattie


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Hi, Country Boy, I'm sorry you're in this situation. One thing to think about is that I've found that alcoholics rarely understand what it feels like to live with an alcoholic.  They're inside it.  They're not sucked into the whirlwind because they are the whirlwind.  So it may be that your dad wouldn't have had special insights (not that your dad wasn't special, might he might not have had the perspective).  He might also have felt too guilty to talk about it productively, as he might well have identified that your early experience with an alcoholic led to your finding your wife's behavior familiar.

In my experience it takes someone in Al-Anon to have the perspective to know what it's like to be around the insanity of alcoholism.  Not to say that you shouldn't miss your dad!  And how wonderful that he achieved sobriety.  And it's a real realization that your wife can't be the confidante that it would be good to have.

Do you have a meeting?  A sponsor might be such a helpful person to talk to, sort of like a second chance at a dad who can advise on these things.



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Debilyn


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Good to see you back.

I invite you to put "her disease" in all the places you blame your wife. It may help you to face the truth more.

love,debilyn



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"It's not so much being loved for ourselves, but more for being loved in spite of ourselves."

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Pushka


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Hugs,

Keep coming back.

P :)

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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
orchidlover


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The ex A who I was with for 7 plus years completely shattered my life, destroyed our home, our finances, our stability, my peace of mind, my confidence everything.

I was always waiting around for him to see the light. He never did.  I've been rebuilding my life for over 5 years now. 

When my mother died very suddenly (she literally dropped dead one day) the ex A complained that my grief upset him because he had not dealt with his own father's death.

I really had to do a lot of work to pull myself out of the mirth of destruction and resentment that was set up by being around this kind of stuff.

I can relate very much to feeling envious around the ex A's family.  Every single holiday he had to go to his mother's.  One year when we were out of town, he drove back early to go to see his mother.  I felt completely out of it and isolated.  I also felt that I couldn't set limits and take care of myself.  Ironcially I could never really see what his mother was made of.  One year she went to her high school reunion, married her sweet heart within 2 months and moved away. There are no Christmas dinners anymore but of course I am not there.  These days I know that with or without his mother the now ex A would never have been available for me in the way I craved.

I'm glad you are here and taking care of yourself. I know with my own family history the neglect and abandonment were in some ways harder to work through because they were so pervasive.

Maresie.



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orchid lover
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