detachment-denial? - Al-Anon Family Group

pineapple · ~*Service Worker*~

detachment-denial?

abbyal · ~*Service Worker*~

Some days pinapple this is truly just too much for us to deal with , your human , feel the feelings then let go , one more time .. thinking of you today- Louise

GailMichelle · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi pineapple

A couple of thoughts on detachment:

(1) The question of if you're detached or not depends on how one defines detachment, no? For me, the definition of detachment evolves. How I defined detachment last year at this time is different from today. As I grow my definiation develops.

(2) In addition, I see detachment as an onion. In other words, there are layers to the detachment process. Perhaps you've discovered another layer?

I've found that when I over analyze my feelings, especially those I would rather go away for good, I get very bogged down and just about kill my spirit. When I get like that, I let go and get busy doing something I like, such as gardening. I recall you like being outdoors too. Right?

I'm not suggesting putting your head in the sand. Like the other response you received suggested, feel the feelings and know that tomorrow will be another day. It's like riding a rough wave.

I understand the grieving process you're going through (I think). My recovering husband (okay, I divorced him but we are now back together) is not drinking now (thank God). However, his health limits the activities we can do and hoped to do when he retired. For example, we went through a national park last week and he sat on a bench while I hiked up trails to see water falls. He had to view the pictures I took, not the fall itself.

Perhaps today the gratitude list doesn't cut it for you; but tomorrow is a new day. Try then.

You love your adopted country. Put that down. You have dedicated friends - bing........ put that down. Take it from there sweet lady.............. it's all okay. Don't listen to your stinkin' thinkin'.

Temple · ~*Service Worker*~

Awww, Pineapple,
That is just so very sad.
Have you looked at becoming a citizen there, so you can work? Can you do anything under the radar to earn your keep?
Maybe brainstorming with your friends, you might come up with a solution.
There was a lady on PBS, and her name is escaping me, she wrote a book about how life doesn't even begin til you're 40. And I went to see her give a talk, and she said that you're only 6 degrees from anybody on the planet, and if you want something, invite friends--about 30, if you can, and say I want to do X. And somebody will know somebody who knows somebofy who can put you onto something. It happened there. There were 200 or more of us, but a girl wanted to work with horses, and the other audience members had her hooked up with a job and a place to live, like that--doing just what she liked. I realize you may not be allowed to earn money, but perhaps you could help manage an estate for room and board. Or something!
You'll get good ESH from people with a lot of recovery about how to handle the moment.
Sometimes we've just got to grieve--it isn't turning out at all as you wanted and you are in a tricky situation.
There are always Miracles--just have to catch one.
In the meantime, please love yourself for us. We care.
Love,
Temple

Oksie · Senior Member

Iam sorry to hear this pineapple.

For me, I don't see detachment as meaning that we no longer care. Ithink it means we detach from their issues and stop saving them or getting involved with them and having our own lives.
I don't think it means your love or concern for him has to go away.

Every now and then its good to open those floodgates in a safe place. Allow yourself to feel. Personally I hate emotions and would rather not have them at all.... But thats not the way it is unfortunately.

Sometimes a good cry and a melt down is the time that I feel a bit purged afterward.

I do hope things get better for you.

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Pineapple

I truly do understand your sadness and I agree with all the wisdom expressed by our MIP family.

Detachment enabled me to stop reacting to the feelings of others and to finally feel my own feelings. Once I honestly acknowledged my feelings and the truth, I was able to seek out constructive solutions to my pain.

Your tears were an honest response to someone's deep concern for you and your family. I am glad that you permitted yourself to feel this and to express it honestly here.

I have prayed on a similar situation and asked for guidance Remember in the 11 th Step we pray for knowledge of HP's will and the power to carry it out. HP s will was not my will but when I surrendered. my life changed. and I received the Power to grow and change as well.

You are in my prayers also

-- Edited by hotrod on Sunday 17th of June 2012 08:36:10 AM

-- Edited by hotrod on Sunday 17th of June 2012 08:37:07 AM

tiredtonite · Veteran Member

I think a lot of us can relate to feeling held hostage by the disease and the sadness and hopeless feeling that can creep in. Too often I walked around with my insides not matching my outsides trying to put on a brave face for the outside world trying not to be the one who was going to spoil the good time.

How lucky you are to have true and understanding friends with whom you can honestly share what's really going on with you. Real friends truly do want to be there for us.

You're right, the economy is pretty awful these days. All of us have had to get a little more creative as to how we're going to keep get by.

I like everything that everyone has posted to you but what Temple said really resonates with me. Even if you don't gather thirty people you might get thirty responses here :)

It's been my experience when I keep sharing, doors open. Volunteer work has allowed me to connect with more people than I would ever have imagined and hidden opportunities particularly, the gratitude payment. I've found when I put that sort of energy out it comes back to me.

I'm in this process right now Pineapple because I'm in a less than desirable place emotionally and with a dead end job and trying to get unstuck. At first I thought I don't have time for this. I want my "real" problems resolved now. No patience ya know ; ) But this has been a great way to discover skills and talents which might be tranferable to paid work. Maybe this would work for you too in some way.

People express their gratitude for my time and work. Freely giving that way has helped lift my spirits as well as build confidence in myself. I've met people that I would otherwise never have met. Who knows the what my higher power has planned for my future but the future is revealed to me a little more each day as I do this footwork.

It really is a tough deal living with an alcoholic who isn't recovering. Lots of unconditional love and support to be found here though. Hope the responses are helping you. Hugs TT

-- Edited by tiredtonite on Sunday 17th of June 2012 10:10:08 AM

Jadie · Veteran Member

Hi Pineapple, hope you are feeling better today.

Crying is cleansing and healing, it needed to come out.

I've found that the tears come when I least expect them but when I most need them, it's like releasing the air from a pressure cooker, an explosion of emotion. So many times I stuff it which is bad for my body & mind. I used to be fearful of letting it all go but have found if I reach out (as you have) I find ES&H which helps me through & strengthens me for the next step.

Another layer of the onion peeled.

((((hugs))))

Jadie x

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

You are doing the best you can. Further detachment would only happen with distance from him. That is how most of us move on from painful relationships and breakups. He is still in your face all the time so that makes it harder. Also, friends have not heard of any "break up" so they continue asking about him as though nothing has changed in your marriage.

Detaching is allowing you to function and enjoy life most of the time. It doesn't make his disease and what it's doing to him any less tragic.

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

Sending you much love and support my friend!

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

Sending you soooo much love and support, you know you are human and that's ok. Some days are going to be easier than others for a multitude of reasons.

Big hugs to my Pineapple friend, P :)

pineapple · ~*Service Worker*~

Thank you all for your responses and ESH. While it's cloudy and cool out today my mood is a slight bit brighter. I have a class tomorrow so am going to spend the afternoon studying and walk the dogs if it doesn't rain. As sad and hopeless as I felt yesterday I do now believe that the ¨meltdown ¨ did me good. In answer to a few questions-no, it is not possible for me to become a citizen of this country. Too many reasons to go into but it's not going to happen. Temple, I liked your idea and I have been somewhat doing that. For the past year I have been putting my hopes ¨out there¨ in the universe. I got a three month housesitting gig a while back. It didn't pay anything but gave me a place to get away from the chaos around here for awhile. I think other opportunities may come along in the future, I just have to be patient. Even though I speak basic Spanish I figure that better language skills might help me find some kind of ¨off the radar¨ job. If nothing else it gives me something to focus on instead of my problems and I do think will help me in the long run. As I plan to stay in this country I want to speak the language as best I can. And yes, the gratitude list is helping me today. This board and the folks here are high on that list. Without f2f meetings, phone lists, etc. this place is so important to me. I really don't know how I would get by without it and all of you.

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

gotta pm you. hugs honey

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