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Hey, all.... haven't been here in a while as I've been incredibly busy (in a good way!). I've been stewing about something for a while now, wondering what the heck is up with my head, and just yesterday in C2C the reading said something to the effect of being open to the guidance of the people around me -- and it hit me: seek the wisdom of MIP!
To recap briefly, as an ACoA I've been an absolute magnet for As all my life and part of what brought me to Al-Anon was two rather unhealthy relationships with recovering As. The second of those relationships ended last year, and I credit my growth in Al-Anon with giving me the strength to leave (and stay away!).
Since then I've been happily enjoying my single life... developing some really wonderful friendships, venturing into some new activities, and putting a LOT of work into my yard and garden. I've also been quite involved in Al-Anon service.
So why do I find myself strongly attracted to yet ANOTHER totally unsuitable recovering A? I've known this fella since last fall and the attraction grew slowly... I definitely wasn't looking to get involved again, in fact I was actively avoiding it. Then when I couldn't ignore it any longer, and knowing my own tendencies, I went looking for information and learned that he is indeed a recovering A. Unfortunately that confirmation wasn't enough to shut my feelings down, but at least it put the brakes on me doing anything further to act upon them.... we aren't even dating, it's more like sort of a friendship at this point.
But.... why?? Even after 2 1/2 years in Al-Anon and a lot of personal growth, why is that alcoholic hook still pulling me in, even when I don't know about it upfront? And how the heck do I get it to stop?
Any and all ESH welcome! (sorry, but I'm going to be guilty of post-and-run here.... I may not get back on the boards until later today)
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Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could... Tomorrow is a new day. You shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense. - Emerson
Recovering alcoholics are superior to normal people :) I say go for it!
Okay - in all seriousness, if a person is really in recovery and their recovery is solid - That's not always a bad thing. I would be way more concerned if you were drawn to active alcoholics. It might not be the alcoholic hook drawing you in but something else that unites you. Often times alcoholics also come from alcoholic families, so in that way you might be kindered spirits. A person in recovery also is seemingly working the steps and that would be highly appealing at the offset.
For me, I recognized I was better off avoiding intimate relationships with other people in 12 step programs because it kept me able to focus on my program better rather than wanting to merge programs with someone else. I did have a desire to go to meetings with and discuss "the fellowship' and to be the happy codependent AA couple or the AA/Alanon couple. I saw those types in meetings and wanted that but it looked appealing onthe outside but really was not for me. When I tried dating other folks in AA or even alanon, they had too many of the same issues as me and it was annoying. It's better for me to just be in my program and have my partner doing his own things.
No matter what anyone tells you, there is no perfect human being out there. In every "bad" person there is some "good," and in every "good" person there is some "bad." My experience is, what I focus on, gets BIGGER. If I focus on all my boyfriends flaws, I start thinking I gotta break up with him... that is MY DIS-EASE in action, nobody else.
Relax. Stay in the day, you're just friends, enjoy that. AA's happen to be my favorite people on the planet, they have been to hell and back... I love, love, LOVE to hear how they did that!!
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The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
After my divorce from AH, I got involved with someone in recovery. It did not work for this reason, we were more addicted to each other, there was an obsessiveness about the relationship, soo much NEED... which was not keeping focus on, or growing in a relationship with Higher power, rather I had made him my Higher power. NEEDING him to fulfill what I needed him to be. It was not love, it was attachment... and again, not to Higher power. Which made it all wrong for me, it kept me in my disease.
But the experience served a perfect purpose for me... I got to have the experience and learn all of that.... about ME. Would it be wrong for you to just stay in the day, and just see what develops, what lessons you might learn? Because from what I understand... you like him. You could focus on what that's all about, explore that. And if it feels wrong, the universe will have given you another opportunity to say, "nope, once again, I don't want that."
But I'm not sure if today is the day to know that. Today may not be that day.... ?
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The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
I understand your concern. I have often heard that if we are attracted to an alcoholic then our "Picker is broken"
I have found that using the alanon tools. trusting HP, staying focused on myself, I can relate to anyone. My relationships are certainly not the same as they were before alanon because I no longer people please or abandon myself . I can trust HP and my inner voice to guide me to take care of myself in all situations.
Remember in the 11th Step we pray for HP's will and the POWER TO CARRY IT OUT. I have been in a successful relationship with a recovering alcoholic for over 20 years using my alanon tools.
Would it be wrong for you to just stay in the day, and just see what develops, what lessons you might learn?
Not at all! That's basically what I've been doing since I learned about the Aism.... just sitting back and letting it unfold as HP intends, not pushing anything (I'm not really aggressive anyway).
No argument from me, pinkchip -- I've got some great friends who have decades of solid recovery behind them and they're some of my favourite poeple!
It's nothing against HIM as a person, it's ME (it's all about meeee, lol) beating myself up for still having that "broken picker". And, yeah, that strange affinity that you feel instantly when you come across another ACoA.
I definitely need to have more faith in my new tools and my ability to conduct myself in a relationship.
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Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could... Tomorrow is a new day. You shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense. - Emerson
Great thing is, today "we" have a fellowship to bounce all these things off of, woooHOOOoooo!! Can you imagine if we were still lost "out there??" The meeting after the meeting the other night was exactly about this, how much we need each other, the fellowship.
My recovery work never ends because I am like you, I did not have healthy guidance from growing up in an alcoholic home, I was taught, don't talk, don't trust and don't feel. As a result, relationships can be very difficult for me. So glad I am not alone, thank you for bringing your experience here.
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The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
You know I think you have to watch yourself to become aware of what you do. I know that recovering alcoholics have approached me. I basically only have friendship to offer them. And its a pretty laid back friendship because I am no longer available 24/7 to anyone but me.
Learning what the red flags are is so so important and you have to see them to be able to learn how to manage them. For me a red flag is certain behaviors, recklessness, impulsivity, the appearance of being drunk. Another is a real constant drama in their life and watching who they hang out with. If I meet a recovering alcoholic and he surrounds himself with active addicts its a no no.
Most of all I take things very very slowly these days. I watch, listen and learn.
Have I been approached by men who are alcoholics certainly that doesn't mean there is anything wrong with me. I'm a nice person but these days I am far far nicer to myself than anyone else.
Stop beating yourself up. You see the red flags these days.
It may be that the difference between an active codie and someone in recovery is not whether they feel an attraction toward alcoholics, but what they do in response to that attraction.
After all, alcoholics always feel attracted to the drink. That's why an alcoholic in recovery doesn't spend evenings in bars. And when an alcoholic in recovery goes to an event and sees the wine bar, they say, "Not for me, too dangerous for me" and head over to the soft drink bar.
So I think that our initial response to those triggers may always be in our brains. But it's what we do next that counts.
it takes a while to get recovery! When i was bummed about repeating my behavior I remembered that I had 1 year in recovery, compared to 25 years of living in an alcoholic family!
Progress not perfection. Your doing great and a person in recovery may have a lot of awesome wisdom from doing it.
Your guard is up from past experience. Its good to note that and maybe even share that withy your friend, but each relationship we have is unique, and we dehumanize ourselves and others when we project old relationships onto new ones.
My big task in al anon is letting it be good. I have such a hard time accepting good stuff in my life, I always find something about people I am attracted to to push me away. Its a way of keeping me from being vulnerable and ultimately, developing healthy relationships.
Some really great stuff here -- I knew I'd come to the right place!
Good reminders. Yes, I do a lot of things differently these days, and I think I "see" through a different lens now.
He doesn't know of my background, nor does he know that I'm aware of him being in recovery -- I found that out secondhand. So we're a long way from that level of intimacy with each other, which is a good thing... that reassures me that I'm not teetering on the precipice of another A relationship.
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Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could... Tomorrow is a new day. You shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense. - Emerson
I've also been quite involved in Al-Anon service.
I've known this fella since last fall and the attraction grew slowly... I definitely wasn't looking to get involved again, in fact I was actively avoiding it. Then when I couldn't ignore it any longer, and knowing my own tendencies, I went looking for information and learned that he is indeed a recovering A. Unfortunately that confirmation wasn't enough to shut my feelings down, but at least it put the brakes on me doing anything further to act upon them.... we aren't even dating, it's more like sort of a friendship at this point.
