he is sober, so why I am I still feeling so crummy? - Al-Anon Family Group

supermom · Veteran Member

he is sober, so why I am I still feeling so crummy?

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

Be gentle with yourself, this recovery process is about progress not perfection. You described the under responsibilty/over responsibilty traits very well and I hear that is the case with lots of A's and their spouses. It takes time to get through all the cycles we have learned and atleast he is sober and making it to meetings, it's only been 6 months and just remember take care of yourself! Sending you love and support

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

((((Mom)))) you have a ton of items there for a meeting. Might you chair the next one you attend? Resentment....Fear....enabling....guilt....over responsibility...great list to go on. If you don't chair the meeting what I was taught might help....read on the subjects from the index in my daily readers until I've got all the pages done. He might be setting you up for further duty...how about a baby sitter? He could help pay. Just a suggestion. (((((hugs))))) smile

jorjorjor · Veteran Member

Hey supermom

Thanks for posting. You are very eloquent. That sounds like a very difficult situation indeed.

Al anon is a gentle process...the more time I spend in it the more opened up I feel, and the more I see things in completely new ways, ways that I didn´t know was possible before. Its like when I first got glasses as a kid and realized trees had leaves and weren´t just green blobs!

Our job is to go halfway, thats where our higher power will meet us. There is a lot we don't and can't know about our lives--its our hp's job to deal with all that.

Have you been building yourself up lately? eating right, sleeping enough, reaching out to trusted loved ones, saying nice loving things to yourself?

You have a lot of wisdom!

my pops has 17 years in recovery and once said ¨resentment is taking poison and expecting the other person to get sick¨

hang in there!

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

During my active alcoholism, I used to say "no" to chores and adult responsibilities around the house. It took me over a couple of years to realize that nobody else was going to be my maid and that I did have other responsibilities than just going to work.

There is a way to communicate that it's not okay to say "no" to things that need to be shared household responsibilities without getting into an argument and while letting the other party know you love them, but need more of an effort. It won't always work, but it's worth a try.

Part of me is thinking it will evolve in time, as for me, it sort of happened naturally - as I got more adept at handling basic life stressors, I became more attentive to my environment and was more capable of having mature reciprocal adult relationships. That may happen here, but it will probably take more time than 6 months.

As for you, perhaps it could help to sort out into things you can control and things you cannot. Maybe you can afford sitters and housekeepers part-time now since he's not on a destructive active drinking tear these days. Your higher power is going to give you everything you need but it will be on his/her/its timeline and it won't be everything you "want" in the way you want it. Breathe deep and focus on the improvements you are making and that recovery in general is bringing to your life.

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

P.S. I remember taking a picture of my vacuum and sending it to my sponsor while stating "This is something both me and my cat are afraid of." When it dawned on me what kinds of amends I really owed (through doing the steps) - That is when my efforts to be responsible really increased. Those were "living amends" and it takes a lot longer than 6 months to grasp how we need to live differently. I wouldn't necessarily hold out of it cuz there are things you can do in alanon and tools you can put to use while his recovery is evolving.

Bettina · ~*Service Worker*~

Your title tells the story. "He is sober", Him, him him.

We must always take the big spotlight off the alcoholic. Our concern is always about their recovery, what they are doing now. Because they require so much and are in need of so much.

So how about you start doing for YOU and start some concern about YOU and start your recovery. Being with an alcholic makes us sick and our lives get out of balance. I know because I was there. Being with the A is sometimes a cover for our own lives. After all HE is the sick one.

Stand up girl, start this road of recovery because YOU need to validate YOU now. You count. Start living the program and really impliment its teachings and practice , this is for YOU so YOU will feel better.

Keep coming back and dont give up! Best to YOU!

Luv, Bettina

-- Edited by Bettina on Saturday 16th of June 2012 11:55:46 AM

-- Edited by Bettina on Saturday 16th of June 2012 11:57:19 AM

-- Edited by Bettina on Saturday 16th of June 2012 11:58:27 AM

maryjane · ~*Service Worker*~

The part of your post that caught my attention was that you are afraid of his angry rages. I remember when my hubby had those rages when he was just sober. I remember being told that his best friend had just been taken away and he was angry. And I remember my reaction to his rages. I hated it and would try to avoid, avoid, avoid. But AlAnon also made me grow a spine and I realized that if I talked back that he backed down. I didn't have to yell or scream or have my own angry rage. I just had to say "no" and walk away.

I also started not doing the things that were his responsibility and letting them not be done. I would wash his clothes but then neatly pile his clean clothes on his side of the bed....my job was done. If he wanted the clothes in his closet or in the drawers, that was his job. Otherwise he could throw them on the floor. Sometimes he would throw them back in the laundry (trying to fool me) but he would find them on his bed again. You don't have to say anything. Your alcoholic is looking at your actions, not listening to your words.

If the trash didn't go out to the curb, oh well. We always have next week. It was a lot like training a child. I was teaching him what I would and would not tolerate and my boundaries were shifting. We really do this our whole lives. But this time it was more dramatic.

You have to take care of you. No one else will do it. Put the spotlight on yourself.

Bettina · ~*Service Worker*~

I just wanted to add, that our happiness does not depend on their sobriety.

Keep workin it.

Luv, Bettina

Mommyof5 · Newbie

Have you tried finding meetings that offer child care? The sense of overwhelming is normal. I would like to say focus on you and let him worry about him, but easier said than done. I know for myself, individual counseling helped me a great deal. Just dont lose sight of yourself.

supermom · Veteran Member

Thanks everyone for sharing your experience, strength, and hope. I continue to learn so much from others in the program. I went on vacation with my parents, kids and husband. It was a good break from the daily grind and my folks were very helpful with the kids.

A friend suggested that I keep a journal of all the things that I want to say to my husband but don't because of my fear. I think I am going to try it. She said it might show me that some of the things I am thinking are not too scary to say. We'll see.

I am tired of feeling bitter. Did a lot of reading on that topic. Keeping my thoughts to myself seems to increase my bitterness. I will keep praying for God to take away the resentment.

Anyway, thanks again! Looking forward to attending a meeting tomorrow.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.