The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I'm wondering if anyone has an idea about what is blaming behaviour and what is just being or feeling annoyed about something someone does. I'm trying to sort this out in my own head. I think the program says that to blame someone is not keeping the focus on me and my own self responsibility. Out of fear I have had a pattern of blaming my A for things to help me cope with pain about something else. Like transference. So I try to be mindful to own my feelings and take responsibility for the things that are mine to do so. But what about if the person does something annoying and I express that to them...my legitimate feeling of annoyance or anger? Is it best to keep that to myself? I'm thinking maybe yes if what they did was unintentional, a mistake or thoughtlessness. What I mean is what is the line between having and expressing legitimate feelings and taking someones inventory? Is it ok to express anger or exasperation on the program? Sorry if I sound a bit clueless over this! Tigger x
I think it's important to look at the slogan how important is it. What my motives are, fix manage, control. Then sleep on it, I can then look at it from a fresh perspective and decide what is in my best interest. Hugs p ;)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Hey Tigger, early in recovery, they told me that BLAME without ME is just BLA, BLA, BLA. After working step 4, I understood that.
Sure I get annoyed by people. It really helps me to remember that within the word "tormentor" is the word "mentor." The universe seems to use people to help me know and understand ME, and to help me love unconditionally.... beginning with me.
I recently heard this story, a woman just could not live in peace with her husband because he had many mistresses. She was soo bitter about this and they argued a lot. She loved him but could not be happy as long as he kept these other women in his life.
It was suggested to her, that she was not being very loving, as she claimed. Loving him would be accepting him as-is, accepting this is the life he wants/needs.... But also acknowledge that since she believes in monogamy, and would feel safer in monogamy, she will have to leave because she loves herself too. Live and let live, they were both now free to live the life they choose, no blame, just acceptance.
That story really made me think of how I have played "the director" in my life, demanding that people line up the way I need them to, "come on people! work with me! work with me!!!!" all according to my own needs. Not very loving.
I'll keep coming back, my experience is, it gets better and better ((hugs))
-- Edited by glad lee on Friday 15th of June 2012 03:37:47 PM
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The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
Tigger, this is difficult for me as well. Sometimes I think Al-Anon teaches me to try not to be angry or to keep my anger for myself. Instead, I am trying to change my thinking, so my anger is getting less by itself, you know what I mean. I put myself into the shoes of the other person and understand, but I also think about what I want. If I don't like, say, a particular gym, I give them a notice letter and look for another gym, rather than ranting all the time. I also don't want others to treat me in a bad way, which is all about boundaries. If the, say, gym does take a lot of money from me and does not provide promised services, I file a complaint and let it go.
Anyway, recovering with Al-Anon does not mean we are not angry and always happy. It is normal to have those feelings. I can notice though that I am not angry for a long time any more. I still have the chance to think and learn something new, maybe see a step from a new perspective.
Great ESH on this posting I would just like to add that Pointing the finger of blame at others is unproductive. Since there are 4 fingers pointing back at me.
Program has shwon me that it it not right for me to stuff my feelings and I should not "react" I can however become annoyed about an issue and am free to express this as long as I remember to":Say what I mean and mean what I say without saying it mean.
That works for me
-- Edited by hotrod on Wednesday 13th of June 2012 09:27:45 PM
Alcoholics in general don't tend to go too well with expressing feelings outside of what they think. I do think its healthy to have some catharsis and that is what al anon helps with. I also think its important to be kind and compassionate for yourself. At the beginning I blamed the ex A for everything. Over time I took back some of the responsibility for what happened. If I had felt that I needed to sort out the feelings I would never have felt better. Indeed I do feel better these days but some of that is because I had the space to put it out there how I felt to people who listened. Needless to say that never included the ex A.
Thank you for your insights guys. I guess the upshot is that blame can be a way of avoiding self responsibilty, or it can be an indirect means of trying to hold others accountable. Anger and annoyance are normal parts iof life and responses to broken boundaries or disregard or even fear. To express them is important for health and not to bottle them up, but to choose wisely which situations it is better to speak directly to the person and when it is best to vent to a meeting, sponsor or therapist. Which is going to support my wellbeing most and be the best use of my energy and resources. Which option will allow me to set that boundary, counteract that disregard or deal with that fear. Also an altered unpersonalising perspective can help to assess whether the situation is important enough to challenge and lose serenity over! Good...that is much clearer. Love Tigger x
Oh, and yes I can hold others accountable if I feel it's appropriate and worth the bother as long as I'm clear and direct and not unkind (and maybe speak in "I statements" for the best result. "When you did X, I felt Y, and I would prefer it if from now on you did Z"...then shut up! Lol xxx
Thanks for posting this tigger. I struggle with this in my relationship too. When do I tell my partner that I need something and when do I change my attitude and expectation? I know a lot of my behaviors and responses are guided by fear, informed by having lived in an alcoholic family. I don't want fear to be my guide.
I think you hit the nail on the head with the I statement thing. If its important enough, make a statement about it that you can live with and let it go. The other person will give you back what they can give, and then you have to decide if that is good enough.
