The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Something triggered in me last night. We had discussed getting chinese and renting a movie, in fact it was his idea. I waited and waited. Finally texted him after 2 hours and he said he'd be home in 5 mins. 4 hours later he stumbles in drunk.
I usually do a good job at being nice, not rocking the boat, forgiving him, being patient etc. Being a stone wall. But something in my snapped. I cried last night.
Today he calls apologizing (as per usual). He wants to smooth things over so he can feel ok. So he can go to work and have peace. I usually try to practice my al-anon skills and not yell or act out. Or anything. I usually tell him I forgive him so we can have stillness in the house for a day.
This time I told him I'm tired. I tell him I'm tired of it. I usually just forgive him and move on, but I told him I was tired and it wasn't ok what he did (does).
The next thing I know I'm being yelled at. It's my fault he's this way. I treat him like an idiot so he's going to act like one. I can never own up to my own **** and I think I'm perfect. I don't appreciate any of the good things he does. All I focus on is the negative.
I'm so tired. Physically, emotionally, spiritually. I'm tired of it. I'm so tired.
I desire a healthy marriage. How can I have a healthy me when my marriage is unhealthy?
-- Edited by callmemara on Monday 11th of June 2012 01:06:48 PM
-- Edited by glad lee on Monday 11th of June 2012 02:10:20 PM
I hear you and understand the pain and frustration. You did nothing wrong in expressing your disappointment in the situation and his reaction was oh so typical of an active alcoholic
The answer to your very profound question as to "How to be a Healthy Me in an Unhealthy Marriage " is:
Keep attending alanon face to face meetings, get a sponsor, and work the steps.
Your recovery will be assured and you will rediscover your healthy self .
In addition please keep coming here and sharing
You are worth it.
-- Edited by hotrod on Monday 11th of June 2012 02:42:10 PM
Oh hugs hugs hugs...wow it is striking how many times Ive had that conversation. Down to me saying the words "Im tired." and the response being "You only focus on the negative!" Im still struggling believing that he is right. I bet you are tired, and that is ok. *hug*
You were honest, good for you. His disease needs enabling, so, naturally he got upset with you. But it looks like you were able to say what you mean, mean what you say, without saying it mean. That's really good, you did well.
I know when I was yelled at, I felt severely diminished. Try to remember, it's his disease that is frightened. The reality is, he is so unhappy with himself, lashing out at you makes it a little easier for him to tolerate himself.
Betty's post describes how it worked for me also, it does get better. You are already on your way, it takes courage to be honest and practice these principles, but you're doing it ((big hugs))
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The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
CDK says, "Im still struggling believing that he is right." --------------------------------------------------------- That is what tripped me up in my recovery. I respected his opinion and took on his opinion. I knew my own opinion, but it was easier to cave in and try to see his side. But it comes down to - HE IS WRONG! It is not your fault he drinks. It is not your fault he chooses to do things that make you get tired of the whole scenerio. You did nothing wrong.
Oh I have had this kind of a day. Hugs to you. I am struggling with that same question right now. I am so so tired of not knowing who she is going to be one day to the next. Dr Jeckyl and Mr Hyde. I hope to receive some wisdom from my HP on this. I am way too clouded and involved to make the right choice.
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"Everything that has ever happened to us is there to make us stronger." - John Trudell
its nice to hear there are more PERFECT people in the world besides myself... my AH either claims Im perfect and its MY world ... or Im a stupid Bi*** ... neither gets much reaction anymore... but I agree I hate when I snap and do cry ... But I earned those tears and theyre mine and NOT his... it can be part of healing also .. and as much as I beleive addiction is a disease I also feel like jails are full of addicted ppl that were never held responsible for their actions .... Your reaction WAS NOT WRONG !!!! it was YOUR REACTION .... ALL YOURS and part of healing...ignore everything HE said after YOUR reaction.. dont be so hard on yourself... do what you need when you need to help yourself... (and sometimes it may be a good cry in a bubble bath) all part of healing ... sending HUGS
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..."expecting the world to treat you fairly because your a good person, is like expecting a bull to not attack you because your a vegetarian "
YOU can be as healthy as you want to be. You are in control of YOU, not him and certainly not his disease. Remember that you have choices just as he does, and that you are taking care of you as best as you can.
If I'm honest, I have to say that I'm at the same point as you. Tired, just plain tired of the same old stuff. Of course, I'm just tired of listening to his negative and when I try to spin the positive, I lose every time. At this point, we're just roommates putting on a show and getting along for the financial benefit of it. He hides in his office now and I'm OK with that. There's so much water under the bridge that I just focus on healing ME and whatever my Higher Power's plan for my marriage is will be revealed as time moves on.
YOU can be as healthy as you want to be. You are in control of YOU, not him and certainly not his disease. Remember that you have choices just as he does, and that you are taking care of you as best as you can.
If I'm honest, I have to say that I'm at the same point as you. Tired, just plain tired of the same old stuff. Of course, I'm just tired of listening to his negative and when I try to spin the positive, I lose every time. At this point, we're just roommates putting on a show and getting along for the financial benefit of it. He hides in his office now and I'm OK with that. There's so much water under the bridge that I just focus on healing ME and whatever my Higher Power's plan for my marriage is will be revealed as time moves on.
Financial benefit?! Oh man, I wish I had that. Now that would be a reason to stay. What is my reason for staying?
Hugs ((Callmemara)), that must be hard. Well, if my AH decides to haul off and keep drinking and risking another DUI there may not be any more financial benefit. For now, I can justify to myself to stay. I homeschool our son and I like doing that and I wouldn't be able to keep that going if I left or asked AH to leave. I know it wouldn't be the end of the world but I guess it's just not bad enough for me to end things. I just keep plodding along and I'm using my time to work on ME. I figure if I'm going to stick around the least I can do is find better ways of coping, and find peace and serenity with ME and where I want to be.
"I usually do a good job at being nice, not rocking the boat, forgiving him, being patient etc. Being a stone wall. But something in my snapped. I cried last night."
It's one thing to be nice and practice detachment. It's another to continue to stuff your feelings and emotions down until you snap. It's important to be nice and forgive. It's also important to realize that your time is just as valuable as his. What he did was rude and inconsiderate.
You didn't cause his disease, you can't control it and you certainly can not cure it. You can attend face to face meetings. Reach out to others. Find a sponsor and work the steps.
It's a process. I had several times and then I finally walked away. I took 2 weeks to work on me to give myself space and time to breathe. To establish that the way things had been were not working and I refused to continue the way that they were.
I take it one day at a time. My AH is not in recovery. Every afternoon he hits that bottle and on the weekends. As long as he treats me with dignity and respect (the two requirements I have) I continue to stay and take it one day at a time with the help of my HP.
I have choices. I have feelings. I am valuable. You have choices. You have feelings. You are valuable. You are worth taking care of. Keep coming back. You are worth it.
I think the key for me around any alcoholic is to adjust my expectations. I really have to expect them to be an alcoholic. Any lapse in that expectation sets me up. I found a lot of solace in the book Getting them Sober. Suggestions like starting every day to do things that are good for you. Putting the focus on you. Of course when I first got here and heard that I was really mad after all the problem was with the other person, not me.
Like you when I got here, the stick came out every time I had an argument with the alcoholic (and they got heated and nasty all the time) I went into the self blame thing. I would remonstrate why why why had I stayed.
Of course like you I had to be absolutely sick and tired and really really sick of it to be wiling to embrace change. Change came for me slowly. I had to lean on others very hard to get through feeling so absolutely dependent on the alcoholic/addict. I had to work hard not to be obsessed with what was he going to do next. Then I had to focus on what I needed to do if indeed he was an alcoholic.
These days my life is far from easy but self care is in my vocabulary. I no longer take out the stick of self hate when things don't go quite right. For me its been a long long journey to get to there. I would say its been far from easy but the me who is here now is very very different from the me who came here a few years ago.
