((dear friend)) don't let his disease trigger yours. His disease loves to make it everyone else's "fault," it lets him off the hook, makes him not responsible for it. Do you really have that kind of power???? If I had some power, he certainly wouldn't be drinking today!!  But that kind of talk confused me every time, my disease would believe those lies, my disease nearly destroyed me too.

Once my husband came home from work to tell me he had gotten into a big fight with a fellow employee that day. He told me it never would've escalated as it did, if I hadn't argued with him earlier that day.  I wasn't even in the same city, but somehow, I was responsible for his behavior, lol

What helps me so much, is to notice that own thoughts are what bring on my anxiety. Specifically, my thoughts that "this should not be happening".... that is my THINKING problem. I can certainly argue that things should not be like this, and I have. I just cannot win that arguement. I can argue that an alcoholic should not act like an alcoholic, he should not relapse, etc. etc.... but I cannot win. I lose that battle every time. It is happening. He is an alcoholic and I am powerless to stop it.  What would it be like to stop thinking that thought?  For me, it meant more peace, my serenity is in direct proportion to my level of acceptance.

If your experience is like mine, you'll learn to stop the nagging, you'll take your hands off him and his life (detach) and he will still continue to drink. Because that's what alcoholics do. You are powerless to change that. 

Now is the time to detach and decide what you're going to do. Time to take care of YOU, whatever that looks like. For me, I have to cover all the bases, mind, body and spirit, I take care of them all. I typically read our literature, love to walk and workout, love to meditate, I do all of that daily and I include several meetings a week... this is what taking care of myself looks like. You might like to start of list of what YOU like to do, things that make you FEEL GOOD. Take the focus off him, and put it on that list... you'll feel better, that's how it worked for me. 

One day at a time, my friend. Keep sharing, you are not alone. ((hugs))

-- Edited by glad lee on Monday 11th of June 2012 08:56:45 PM

Hugs,

Do you have any of the daily readers?? I have 3, the C2C, ODAAT and Hope for Today. when I had that kind of anxiety I would go to the index in the back and literally read everything I could on detachment and step 1. Having to admit I am powerless is seriously for me one of the hardest things I can do on a daily basis. I also hope you have a phone list from your meeting .. don't be afraid to call someone and just say this is how I am feeling, just knowing you aren't the only one out there who has had these kinds of struggles makes a big big difference!!

It gets better and you are ok!

Hugs P :)

Thank you everyone for your kind responses. It gives me strength and reminds me of how strong I have to be to regain control of my own life.

No surprise here, but it turned out he was drinking and was out of the house by the time I got home. I managed to be pretty calm about it, made myself dinner and watched some TV. When he stumbled in later, absolutely obliterated, I had no reaction. I told him he might want to go to bed, and he did. I stayed in the spare room, let my dog hop up on the bed so I could get some unconditional love from her, and slept.

We talked a little this morning -- he's remorseful and upset. (He also suffers from combat injuries, and feels like he's never going to be "normal" and is depresed from this). He said he wants to stop drinking but doesn't know how to stop. I told him that people seem to get a lot of strength out of AA, and maybe he should try that again and go to some meetings. (he said last week that the meetings made him crave alcohol when he went and had been avoiding them). but i added that it's his decision and then told him that I'm not comfortable with our life being as chaotic as it has been, and I hope that we both start seriously looking at how to recover from all this. Then I told him that I've been finding a lot of comfort from Alanon and that he's more than welcome to come with me to an open meeting or read any of my literature, to see if any of it applies.

We'll see what happens. I'm so very sad for him, but also glad I was able to get on with my night and not get sucked up into his drinking and spend the night crying or frantically driving all over the town looking for him. Tonight, I'm going to the gym and then meeting a friend for dinner. Some me time.

Maybe this love with detachment thing will be something I can do one day.

Thanks for hearing me out.