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I really am not resentful...I know how sick he is...I know it is his way of making himself feel better.
Also just heard from an acquaintance that he was tanked driving around yesterday. He is in a bad place...and the money may be a temporary reprieve from the pain he is in...but I don't want the kids to think this madness is okay.
Thanks again. Your da bomb.
-- Edited by rehprof on Monday 11th of June 2012 08:46:26 AM
I agree with maryjane, over time they will learn on their own. From where I sit, this is between them and their dad, you don't have to "do" anything.
My kids totally resented when I tried to control their feelings regarding their dad. My kids aren't stupid, they could see through my manipulation but I often tried to cover my bad motive with a good one. I became the "bad guy" and they would stop coming around, they didn't want to hear my opinions about their dad. In fact, they walked away, without saying a word to me, they set a boundary, "no comments about dad are welcome!!" When I put myself in their shoes, I could understand it.
Our kids have an active alcohlic for a dad, that's the reality. I cannot change or control or cure that, they're going to learn all that goes along with it. My job, is to just love them. And that's not easy when they act like their dad. But that is all they want from me today, my love and support.
-- Edited by glad lee on Monday 11th of June 2012 09:44:15 AM
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The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
So, the exA just got about 50K of my retirement in the divorce. He's back from Vegas..bought us a big-screen TV, bought 10 year old new $70 Baseball glove (on sale), bought 15 year old a food de-hydrator (bc I mentioned he wanted one for his b-day in august) bought himself a new camera, and yesterday bought the 15 year old a car (used, $1200), bought the 10 year old a new laptop.
This is a man who has no job, no retirement, no health insurance, and no place to live (he is living with his sister).He has always had a spending problem...and now it seems the only source he has for esteem is buying stuff for his kids....
The kids are ecstatic. How do I teach them that these are not good things but irresponsible choices -- without talking badly about their dad to them? I don't want them to learn that things make them happy..nor do I want them to learn that spending money you don't have is a good thing...
I might say something along the lines of "As is common in a divorce, the parent who is not with the kids the majority of the time (usually dad) often feels guilty and will try and make up for things with presents. I want both of you guys to know that your father loves you very much, but it's important for both of you to convey he doesn't need to buy you things for you to love him back."
Perhaps the older one can handle discussion at a deeper level which would include "You know dad is struggling some and trying to find his way. He can probably use moral support and hearing how much you care despite everything that's going on as opposed to appreciating and valuing him for what he buys you."
Sorry to put it all in quotes like I'm putting future words in your mouth - I just don't know how else to convey suggestion. All this would be in a way that is true to you and that you feel gives the lesson you want to impart subtracting personal resentment as much as you can about their dad.
As the kids get older they will see you and your peace in affording life..... and they will see him frantic again to get a quick fix because the last one was all spent on stuff. There is absolutely nothing you can do and nothing you can really say to your kids to make them see. Time will show them but probably not until they are older and know the value of work and paychecks and savings. I know people my age who always had everything they wanted. And now they have no savings and their futures are gloomy. It is an old story.
The only thing I wanted to add that was along the same lines that everyone else added is .. if I'm ok the kids are ok.
I told the kids some childhood stories I had heard about their dad and his brothers, we had a good laugh over the 3 of them they were a force to be feared on some days .. lol .. we talked about funny stories that happened when they were kids and just really fun times. My entire marriage was not one based upon pain. Later my daughter came to me with very direct statements about some things .. I am as honest as I can be without putting her dad down and pointing out that I have flaws as well. I really try to be fair and balanced when it comes to discussing these things with her. She knows and she sees what is healthy and what is not. The only thing I can do is validate what she's feeling and remind her he is not well.
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Just to say how much I can identify with this situation! My ex would be living hand to mouth, with literally nothing in savings, and he would get a windfall -- like $4000 from a great-aunt who died -- and use the whole thing buying extravagant presents. Like TVs for people and just big gifts of cash. Often to people who already had a lot of savings!
Those were the days before I understood that arguing with addictive people gets nowhere. So I'd say, "But don't you want to stick some of that in savings? What happens if you lose your job? Or if your car needs repairs?" He'd say, "That's okay, if that happens I'll just kill myself. It's no problem. That'll be fine." And I'm thinking: that's what you want to leave your kids? Their dad killed himself because he gave them a TV rather than supporting himself? Isn't that crazy?
One thing is that he kept his (adult) kids from knowing that he was penniless. I think they thought he must have lots of money because he was giving them so many presents. So it would have been good if they had known the true state of things. (For one thing, they were going along the same route -- thinking that you could spend money like water and still be okay financially.) Not that it's good to guilt kids about presents they can't refuse. But somewhere down the line, showing them different ways people use their money and plan for their future has to be helpful.
My wise old sponsor taught me an invaluable lesson - I am not responsible for my A's relationship with my children.... I can only assure and reassure my children that "they are loved, and they are safe".
I think it is a slippery slope to try & "explain" to your kids of what/why their Dad is doing certain things, or not doing other things...
To me, this is one of those situations that doesn't require further definition/explanation from you.... your A's 'true colors' will be revealed to your kids soon enough.... Part of our program is that we "exhibit" our new skills / attitudes / behaviors, and that we 'practice these in all our affairs'....
I hated the advice at the time, but I took it, and my kids are much better off as a result....
T
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
((((rehprof))))...keep the focus on yourself is what I'm hearing come back from the fellowship and that seems like heaping more weight on your shoulders of responsibility. I have read and can hear how strong your program is and even with that "we are not perfect".
I use to work with adolescents and was an Alateen sponsor for over 6 years...only one of the things I use to offer them was that "often times spending money on things to give to others is the only way to show them and prove to myself that I am loving and caring". There are many other ways and now all I gots is money. I'm too afraid to hug and say I love you because there are sooo many examples around that say that I know nothing about those things...soooo here's a laptop.
Stay in your wonderful program and mahalo for bringing your experience back to the MIP family...that is what love is.
Perhaps it's best to teach your children responsible choices by modeling those choices through "your" actions. Also, trust your children's ability to figure out what their dad is doing. They will in time.
I'm with Tom - explaining the Dad's actions is a slipper slope.
Your post reflects your care for you children - Kuddos!
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You have to go through the darkness to truly know the light. Lama Surya Das
Resentment is like taking poison & waiting for the other person to die. Malachy McCourt
