Can I (and should I) give up this particular form of ¨saving him¨? - Al-Anon Family Group

pineapple · ~*Service Worker*~

Can I (and should I) give up this particular form of ¨saving him¨?

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

I never rescued or saved mine Pineapple...He HP did it. I did all froms of rescues and saves...some good some bad some inappropriate and I guess a few in other categories and in the end it was her getting her self into a recovery program and putting a bag over her head telling everyone there that if she didn't allow herself to be "blindly" led by others she would never make it. My HP allowed her to become my metaphor for humility...more than amazing.

Is there a doctor near by you can talk to to get him referred out? Can be drunk tanked at the local police station? You've done the whole gamut and the disease chooses to continue to drink. That is what it does and it is a fatal disease and that is not you choice or fault.

In support. ((((hugs)))) smile

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Pineapple

I do so understand. I have told my son's neighbors to please call the police whrn they called me in a like situatuin. That worked

The police came and took him to the ER where they detoxed him and sent him home. You are a small women and not able to carry him or pick him up Would calling the police work?

In my thoughts and prayers

Oksie · Senior Member

I too would be calling the police

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

At this rate he is going to die from alcoholism. That can come from an accident or from the numerous health problems his drinking is creating. This is the way alcohol kills people every day. Would you blame yourself as much if it was cirrhosis? Either way, he drinks like he wants to die and that is what's going to happen eventually. You cannot save him from that. I don't mean to sound callous but it's just a way to detach further and recognize his alcoholism for what it is. A terminal illness that you cannot treat for him (granted there's always some hope for recovery).

My ex-A started passing out like that and he weighed over 300 pounds. I got so tired and anxious about when it was going to happen. It was more related to something going on with his blood pressure/diabetes/diverticulis...dunno but it always happened when he was drinking and smoking - not a total passout like a black out but a drunken fainting episode that would happen multiple times a week and he refused to go to the doctor. He hit the floor in public so many times. It was mentally exhausting literally standing behind him while he drank and smoked waiting to catch him when he would start coughing, turn red, and then pass out. It was embarrassing too, but then again - I was often pretty tanked and sloppy too so....my standards were not high at the time.

pineapple · ~*Service Worker*~

I don't know if involving the police is an option. We live in a rural area between small villages in Central America. I guess I need to talk to my friend who is a ¨local¨ and lives in the nearby village to see what if anything the police may be able to do. I do know that the nearest ER is three hours away.
Pinkchip -¨At this rate he is going to die from alcoholism. That can come from an accident or from the numerous health problems his drinking is creating. This is the way alcohol kills people every day. Would you blame yourself as much if it was cirrhosis? Either way, he drinks like he wants to die and that is what's going to happen eventually.¨ No, that didn't sound callous it sounded realistic which is probably what I need right now. Thanks all for the ESH.

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

Hugs Pineapple,

Sending you love and support, what a painful choice to have to make. I keep thinking about the reading in C2C that talks about loving detachment. In it the person instead of leaving him on the floor in the cold .. they left him on the floor and put a blanket over the alcoholic. Maybe all you need to do is move him out of road and call an emergency local if that is possible so they can get him to the hospital. what's going to happen to you if you get hurt trying to do all of this???

Hugs P :)

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

Hard stuff! Sending you love and support!

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

My friend, you have to do what makes you the most comfortable. Be true to yourself.

Being in the country you are in,I would be very careful to call any of the authorities. If he got thrown into one of their jails, who knows what could happen.

He is a very, very sick man as you know. I know at this point I would not rescue.It's that doing the same thing, does not allow for any change.

Not that you are trying to make one. He is so far in his illness, so sad.

I want you to take care of you, I find you one of the most unselfish people I have met on MIP.

(((((Pineapple)))))

Ness · ~*Service Worker*~

Dear Pineapple

Many times I rescued when the call came that our Ason was sprawled in the road. Eventually we learned the emergency services handled the situation better than we did. The local police station cell was a regular wake up place for him, if they felt he was in medical danger he was admitted to hospital......by them.

Why did I not think to do this from the get go?.......fear first & foremost; reacting instantly always fearing the worst; I was responsible; he shouldnt be a burden to society ( but can be a burden to me??!!) I was doing the best I could with what I knew at the time.

Once I got a bit of Al-anon under my belt, I felt strong enough to switch my phone off when a binge was taking place. When we stepped out of the equation the dynamic changed.

I remember one time he had been admitted to hospital (by the police) from falling down some concrete steps, had 11 stitches in his head & they phoned to say he needed to be picked up & taken home. I said no (without any explanation) the nurse said What kind of Mother are you I just hung up on her. (What other people think is none of my business)

They wanted rid of him, but it was their duty to care for him so they kept him another night & he was moved to safe accommodation the next day.

I did nothing but surround myself with Al-anon support to help me through.

Your husbands disease is escalating, which is so sad, but we are powerless over it all.

((((((hugs to you))))))

Ness x

Country Boy · Veteran Member

I try to take the approach of never rescuing my AW, UNLESS there is an imminent danger to her well being. That being said, I try to do it so she will feel the consequences of her actions. If it were me, I would drag him to the side of the road on a bench or on the grass & leave him there & let him figure it out. Most likely he wouldn't remember you there & you would keep him from harm but not rescue him. I'm not sure if that is how I SHOULD be handling it, but it is one which I am comfortable with.

Jadie · Veteran Member

As the disease escalates these situations begin to happen all too frequently.

I can't really add anything much to what has been said but just wanted to send you a (((((hug))))

As I reflect, I suppose I used a combination of what Ness & country boy have posted.

Do what feels best for your own serenity.

Im sorry you are going through this.

In support

Jadie x

orchidlover · ~*Service Worker*~

I think the book Getting them Sober really helped me on the issue of when to step in and when to step out. I do tend to keep a hands off approach to alcoholics these days but then I don't live with them anymore. I certainly live around them though and in the past I would have been in there saving so many of them. I'd also be worried sick about them.

These days detaching comes in far easier but it doesn't come in overnight.

I have my times of slipping certianly. Weighing my own self interest around others is a new one for me. Before there was no self interest and there was total other focus.

I look at these issues like a public safety thing. If you saw a stranger lying in the road you'd pull them out of the road. Where you would take them is another matter. Some people do indeed manage to leave the alcoholic lying on the floor at home and don't do the get them to bed routine. But really this in an individual thing.

I have felt very very torn about stuff but I have to manage it about minding my own business. This week I saw a man I know who has been in recovery for a while acting inebriated. In the past I would have remonstrated with him. Now I say very little. I make a point of not engaging. I know full well that is going for him. I also know I'm not going there with him. Before I felt my life depended on pulling people out of the river.

No one here is going to set up a mandate for you what to do and when to do it. These actions have to be carefully weighed. None of us get to complete detaching overnight.

Maresie.

Dolly Llama · Senior Member

Drag him to the side of the road and set up some of those emergency break-down triangles or flares?

It might be good for him to wake up and see that he is an accident waiting to happen.

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