Time to think - Al-Anon Family Group

Lilac · Member

Time to think

CDK · Senior Member

Hello. I am new, and probably not full of much help at this point. I just wanted to say hi, because this was also the first place I felt safe too. I have been on a journey of about a year and a half coming to terms with the idea that I am codependent. Of course, I cant say if you are, but I will share a thought that has helped me a long the way. I foind that if ai read something, and had a strong reaction to it...even if it was NO WAY, that it was worth stepping back and looking at it again. Somethings Ive found truth in, and others things I could peacefully dismiss. In any case, I see you are searching and that is such a good thing. And...(hug).

Lilac · Member

Hi CDK - thanks for your reply. I expect you are right about going back over things I read - this is the first time I have really started to research and it has been a bit of a shock. Maybe when I go over them again I'll get something more from some of them. I think the initial problem I have with the codependency label is that it seems to want to load the 'blame' on to the non-drinking partner. I'm absolutely sure that I do nag, and that I'm not a bundle of fun to live with at the moment, but I'm equally sure that this comes as a reaction to his drinking and not the other way around (at least initially), although I expect that now it is a vicious circle and they are both a reaction to the other. Maybe if a psychologist told me I was codependent... but I'm reluctant to self-diagnose.

It's nice not to be the only newbie on the block, and (hug) to you too - you've made me feel a bit better tonight - after what has been a long and miserable day.

Too hard · Senior Member

Welcome to this web site.

You will find that you will get a lot of support, focused on looking after yourself ...and after a time reading other's experience and Al-Anon ways, you will gradually improve things ...for yourself.

Remember that you do not have to believe what your AH tells you...about you and what he believes you should think or do.

His abusive tone to you needs to be named for what it is.

You may choose to.....either through your public library or the website...read Lundy Bancroft words and books...a counsellor who works with abusive men.

Take it easy..."One day at a time'.

Be kind to yourself. T.H.

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

Hugs Lilac,

No one is trying to blame us for the alcoholics drinking they are responsible for if they drink or not. The reality is living with an alcoholic/any addict distorts our thinking. I know when I came to alanon I thought if I could only say the right thing my AH would stop doing what he's doing. If I could only do "fill in the blank". Then come the if only's .. if he would only stop drinking, if he would only do this, if he would only do that .. here's the reality check I got .. it doesn't matter what I do or don't do .. the alcoholic in my life is going to continue his own spin.

Alanon for me was remembering I have my own life, and I do not have to continue staying stuck in the same patterns that are not working for me. I didn't cause his drinking, I can't control his drinking, and I will not cure his drinking. He will have to come to that conclusion on his own. What I can do is change my behavior and live a happier life. If what you are doing is working for you by all means keep doing it .. what I was doing was not and in an ironic twist it was killing me faster than his drinking was/is killing him.

I got sick and tired of consistently being sick and tired. I was angry, hurt, resentful, you name it .. it was not a pretty picture in our house. When my children started avoiding me because of my behavior I thought WOW .. what kind of legacy am I leaving for them? It is not one I am remotely proud of. I want my children to remember me laughing .. I want my children to have the funny silly memories of how crazy their mom was .. in a good way not an OMGosh .. what the heck is wrong with mom way!

Please keep coming back, I'm so glad you have found us here at MIP and I hope you will venture to a face to face meeting at some point. It has changed my life 150% better. It only works if you work it!!

You are so worth it too!! Hugs P :)

Bettina · ~*Service Worker*~

Lilac, Welcome!

Before you go off and try to label yourself anything, take a breath and take it Easy.
Just because he points the finger at you doesnt make it so.

For years before I was in Alanon I blamed myself for being a bad wife and walked around feeling
guilty all the time. Because I didnt know the disease of Alcoholism and all its dynamics.

Glad you took the first step and contacted us. I feel your starting a new journey of your own self
discovery. Keep coming back and watch what happens! Best to you.

Hugs, Bettina

AStrongerMe · ~*Service Worker*~

Just to chime in on the codependency work - it's designed to stop blame by encouraging the person to focus on themselves. This can be hard if we've wrapped our lives around focusing on an alcoholic, or an abusive person or a sick family member. So initially it might feel as if the blame is coming your way, but it's not really about blame, it's about learning how to take care of ourselves first.

Welcome, this place is great, I"m fairly new as well and love it here. Life with someone who is an alcoholic or addict is often riddled with "everything is about them" which is where enabling and codependency are nurtured and grow.

I found I like a 3 pronged approach. I have the Al-Anon materials, boundary books and codependency books. This place is filled with wisdom, I learn so much coming here daily.

Lilac · Member

Pushka - thank you - you've perfectly expressed what I'm aiming to feel (if that makes sense). I want to stop feeling responsible for him, to stop trying to control his drinking (or nagging, as he would have it) and most of all to stop worrying every day as to what I might be coming home to or, if I'm away, whether I'll be coming back to a home at all or whether he will have passed out with a cigarette burning in his hand and I will just find ashes.

I sometimes think it would be so much easier if I didn't love him, and then I sometimes realise that he is taking care of that aspect himself by slowly changing my love for him into pity.

Pushka wrote:

Alanon for me was remembering I have my own life, and I do not have to continue staying stuck in the same patterns that are not working for me. I didn't cause his drinking, I can't control his drinking, and I will not cure his drinking. He will have to come to that conclusion on his own. What I can do is change my behavior and live a happier life.

Lilac · Member

Thank you Bettina - that was a lovely welcome! I am feeling hopeful at last, instead of just desperate and trapped. So that's a good start, isn't it?

Lilac

Lilac · Member

Thank you Too Hard for your welcome, and for the reading advice. I'm going to try to put together a reading list today. Reading and self-knowledge seem to me to be a good place to start in putting myself first.

Lilac

Lilac · Member

AStrongerMe - Good advice! I'm on a materials hunt right now. My first 'me' task is to build me a virtual library - somewhere to go when things get out of hand here. I need to learn to shut him out of my head, because that's my space, not his!

Lilac

AStrongerMe wrote:

I found I like a 3 pronged approach. I have the Al-Anon materials, boundary books and codependency books. This place is filled with wisdom, I learn so much coming here daily.

maryjane · ~*Service Worker*~

You have received some excellent advise from the others on this board. Continue to read and you will find that someone has posted about what bothers you too.

My hubby got into AA 12 yrs. ago after a DUI. Frankly, I haven't seen a big change in his behavior or attitudes since then. But I have changed with the help of AlAnon and I got back the joy that was in my life when I was a kid..... not that I don't have occasional bad days.

Like Pushka, I looked at my children and decided I didn't want them to have memories of me being crabby and depressed. I wanted them to remember me as happy and fun and loving toward them. To do that, I had to really get into the program of AlAnon and learn to detach from the hubby and let him be him. I had to concentrate on me and being the best me I could be. I had to examine my attitudes about life. I had to examine who I wanted to be and then how I was going to get there. I had to figure out how to stay in my marriage and keep boundaries that would keep me safe from his bad attitudes. And yes, I had to go through menopause too. But it was separating MY journey through life from HIS journey through life while living in the same house. It is an big attitude shift, but it is doable.

Keep coming back.

Take care of yourself.

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

Lilac - Welcome. There's lots to learn from others here and you can do it at your pace. Codependency is not a term to be used to beat yourself up with. It's not a label that should be worn like "alcoholic" because it's not a medical diagnosis or a specific disease. Codependency is only a pattern of behavior that applies to you either sometimes, a lot of the time, or a little bit of the time. You will always have some codependency. By nature, romantic love is a codependent concept. If you read too much into it, you will drive yourself nuts labeling normal feelings and caring as codependent.

I guess I'm just cautioning to find where it applies to you and to keep it positive. Taken to the extreme, some folks will avoid codependency to the point of not giving a crap about others, being loners, or being 100 percent detached from the way other people act towards them. At some point, it does matter when other people are mad at you, if they love you, etc....it's all on a scale of healthy vs. unhealthy and that is for you to figure out in alanon or CoDA or whichever you choose.

There are a ton of tools to be used in Alanon to find serenity, reduce the amount of arguing you engage in with your AH, and to focus on the choices you have in front of you and seizing your life back rather than suffering because of who he is and what he does. It's not easy though because you have a difficult road trying to find a spiritual answer to what behaviors and traits you can accept from him, if they are truly compatible with who you are and then how to progress into dealing with things in a healthy way after that.

I do not think alanon or CoDA is about labeling yourself as the one with the problem. It's more about owning your part, but your AH still has some big problems. It's okay to acknowledge he has problems but still keep the focus on you. You don't have to constantly argue and focus on his problems. Of course he is likely to call you a "nag" when you complain that he has passed out with a cigarette in his hand and almost burned the house down. The trick is to know the difference between nagging and boundaries. In that circumstance you state where the behavior is unacceptable and then walk away - reject the lable of "nag" knowing that it's not codependent to let someone know they crossed a boundary.

I'm glad you found this site. The fact that you are willing to look at your own behavior is really good - It does not change or diminish that he is an alcoholic and has some behaviors that may be totally unacceptable to you. Praying for you to find greater peace and serenity.

Mark

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

You have received the finest ESH possible from the MIP family already! Two great books that still stick with me from over a year ago are "Getting Them Sober" by Toby Rice Drews and "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie. I just wanted to say welcome and keep coming back!

-- Edited by Breakingfree on Saturday 9th of June 2012 11:16:07 PM

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.