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Hi everyone. (hugs) Well, Ive posted a lot about how I havent been able to eat or to sleep. Aaaand now Im sick. Body ache, fever, chills...the whole shebang. And it makes me think about some things.
Self-care comes to mind. Ive done my best, but my lack of self care got me here for sure. Lesson in that for sure.
And I find myself both missing him and glad he is not around. It was always so strange when I was sick. I guess, it depended on what version of him was around. Sometimes, he would be glad to help...he would make dinner, buy me soup and juice, etc... But other times, he would strangely pick a fight with me. It was like, he was threatened by my unavailability to be as present as he required. I dunno. I never understood it. There was always this additional stress between us whenever I got sick. And when he was nice, I always felt a lot of pressure to make a big deal out of it and to make it up to him. Thats my issue, not his for sure. I guess, how it was when I was sick really is a good example of how it was the whole time. Dual natures on both our parts. Not dealing well with the things we could and could not control. Not accepting that each of us was/is sick in our own ways. Wanting it all to just stop and be ok.
I miss the sweet side. But I do not miss the paim underneath that made us both crazy. I feel sad for us both.
lNd its like...Im sick right now. I can see how it was my fault, but also not my fault.
Lile my spiritual sick. Its not my fault that I went through the things I did, and developed these survival traits.
But, like my sick, if I dont do the right things, like eat right, get enougj sleep...I get sick. The same goes for my iritual sick. If I continue to feed myaelf crap...blaming others, controlling others, negative self talk, and making others responsible for myhappiness..I will get sick and stay that way.
Nigjt all. Be safe.
Well, my friend, living with the disease of alcoholism is too much for most of us....
What I eventually realized, is the disease did not start with my marriage. In recovery, I eventually came to terms with the fact that I came from an alcoholic family, I always knew something was "not right" I just didn't know what because drinking was so "normal" where I come from.
So I entered into a relationship with my husband, and into marriage, as a very sick person with baggage already. I had no idea what would make a good partner for me, all I needed was for someone - anyone - to give me some attention. Being selfish and self-centered alcoholics, my parents totally left us kids out in orbit to figure life out on our own, we had no direction whatsoever. Of course, today I know that children need love to grow into secure human beings, but that was seriously lacking. I recently did inventory work on my sister and discovered how we have ALWAYS been in competition with each other, always comparing, always trying to prove we are worthy of acceptance and love, trying to earn a shred of mom and dad' attention.
Before my AH and I married, he neglected me from the start... he treated me very poorly... he would rage at me... and had no respect for me, we were not equals. But that sure felt familiar to me, so I married him!!! lol
If you are new to al-anon, you are doing sooooo much better than I did in early recovery, it took me a very long time to accept that I, too, am "sick."
Al-anon has totally convinced me, I am not hopeless, "we" can be human and recover together, and it's never too late - we're right on schedule, lol. I'm glad you're here so I don't have to do this alone. Your honesty, open mind and willingness to work this program helps me ((hugs))
-- Edited by glad lee on Friday 8th of June 2012 09:42:48 AM
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The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
Sounds like some good insights to me. You sound like you are going through the inevitable pain of a break up and you are processing and growing from the whole experience. I like that you are able to look back and learn from it without getting stuck there. One step forward one day at a time. You really are living the program. You will come out of the other side a much stronger person. Hope you feel better soon!
Thank you for sharing this! I see/hear so much of myself and my relationship in your post. I am working on looking at my part in the relationship, it helps to see it from someone else's viewpoint!
