The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I don't really know what I hope to accomplish with posting this but I feel I need to write down how I am feeling because I am at an extreme point of loneliness and anxiety. I met my spouse about 4 years ago. During the first few years we were together there were occasions that he would binge drink too much but having no previous experience with an alcoholic I did not know what was to come. We have a 9 month old son and I have a 8 year old daughter from a previous marriage and my spouses drinking started to get way out of control a few months before the baby was born. For him it will start with grabbing drinks with co-workers or friends and he will say that he will be home at a certain time and then he just dissapears. He doesn't answer the phone, reply to texts or e-mail. He will come home any time between 2:30am and 7 am (if he is in another city). When he comes home he is loud, repetitive and generally a person that I hate. It is so sad to see such a smart and wonderful person crumble and become such a horrible person. When he is out I have such anxiety, it starts with worrying that he is going to get hit by a car or robbed, we live in a rougher part of town. He said he was robbed once but I think he lied just to have a justification for being out so late. When he goes out he spends at least $200 and on top of that are the cab fares, replacement costs because he loses or breaks a cell phone or ruins his clothing. I am on maternity leave and so careful with money it makes me sick that he is spending what would pay for the kids education on alcohol. My anxiety then turns to worrying that he is going to be awake for hours when he gets home making a mess with food or watching tv way too loud and then I can't sleep and the baby wakes up and my daughter wakes up. It is no way for a family to live. If I ask him to leave he just goes on a huge bender and never actually ponders what this is doing to our relationship. I know he is embarrased and sorry. Last night he went out and got home at 4 am. It is now 8:20pm and he is out looking for our car. He can't remember where he was last night, thank god he didn't drive home. He blacks out so often now and has slept in a neighbours car before. It is ridiculous to me as he has a great job and is a respectable person. He also brought home a strange man one night to hang out and drink with who ended up stealing a handheld kids video game from our home. Sadly I have so many stories as I am sure all of you do but the one that stands out in my mind is the day I had my son. I was in labour and he would not answer the phone. I had to hold off my labour and pace around the house all night. When he came home at 5 am he wanted to go straight to bed, I said it was time and he said just to go to sleep and it would go away....our son was almost 2 weeks overdue at that point. I went to our neighbours and they ended up driving us to the hospital, I was put right into the delivery room and had the baby. Such a wonderful experience was ruined by his drinking, he was obnoxious and a real jerk in the hospital. I made a promise that I would set higher standards for our lives and had a big talk with him about it. When he is sober he totally agrees with me. The problem is he feels he is not an alcoholic, he has gone to AA meetings and he says he is not like them because he never feels the need to drink alcohol. I am just tired of being tired and accomplishing nothing because all my energy goes to dealing with the drkining. I go to moms groups during the day and pretend everything is great when inside I am just dying and so depressed and have no one that I can relate to. I don't know what we are going to do and I am scared. I know the kids feel my pain which hurts me tremendously. I have two beautiful kids, I am well-liked by others, educated with a good career but I am lost on how to handle this situation.
There is help for you, and that's Al-Anon. I would encourage you to find a local meeting schedule and get over to some face-to-face meetings as quickly as possible.
You don't need to continue feeling alone and trying to cope with your very reasonable fears and anxiety all by yourself.
Visit: http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/how-to-find-a-meeting to get started on finding meetings.
In the meantime, keep coming back here, read others shares and post when you feel comfortable. We're all here to help.
Definitely get to meetings and start learning through Al Anon. I hear a lot of pain and confusion in there and rightly so. You don't have to make any decisions right now, just see what you find from going to meetings and coming to understand the disease of alcoholism and enabling. I'm sorry to hear what you are going through.
Welcome to MIP and I am glad you found us. I hope you can get to face to face local Al-non meetings that is the one thing that helped me to deal with the A's in my life, the number is under my nickname here. I am sending you love and support!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
I'm so sorry you're going through this. It sounds as if you're finding what Al-Anon calls the Three C's: You didn't Cause it, you can't Cure it, you can't Control it. So setting higher standards doesn't work, unfortunately, because we can only set them for ourselves -- we can't control anything they do. (Believe me, if we could, we would! And there'd be no use for AA.)
Because that's the case, there are basically two ways forward -- to learn to live serenely with the alcoholic even though he continues to drink (this will require a lot of work on ourselves, setting boundaries to protect ourselves, and detaching with love), or moving on from the relationship ((this will require a lot of work on ourselves, setting boundaries to protect ourselves, and detaching with love). But there is no urgency to decide. (That's unless there is physical danger from violence in the relationship. It doesn't sound as if that's the case here.) What helps all of us is to find meetings, get a sponsor, work the steps, learn all we can, read the literature, read the threads on these boards, and use the tools of recovery. Because alcoholism is so powerful that it sucks everyone around it into the insanity, and we need our own recovery too.
I hope you will stick around and learn more, and find a meeting in your area. They say to try 6 because they're all different. We're glad you found us. Hugs.
Meetings are where it is at .. so I hope you can get to a few. There are meetings that offer babysitting please don't let that be the reason you don't go. It's more important than ever to start taking care of you.
Keep coming back, Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Welcome! I am so sorry you are going through this right now. The meetings helped change my life and save my family. I know it is hard to find the time especially with kids. Mine were 2 and 4 when I started going a year and a half ago because of my husband's drinking. It is recommended you try at least six different meetings before deciding if al anon is right for you, since each meeting has its own strength and flavor. There is help, and you are not alone. "Let it begin with me" applied to my situation. I had to change in order for the family situation and my life to improve. I know how painful and lonely it can be, especially with a baby when the drinking is out of control. I know how painful it feels to pretend with other moms that your family life and marriage are "normal". Al Anon was a place where I didn't hae to pretend ...a place where I could finally tell THE TRUTH. I hope you will seek, in person, the support, compassion, and understanding you and you children deserve. Sending you so much support!!!
I definately encourage going to Alanon. I'm sure you could even bring the baby with you. You are dealing with pure insanity describing a person that says they have no craving for alcohol yet drinks to black out and has the serious level of progression into alcoholism you are describing. If he is able to be in that much denial then there is truly nothing you could say or do that will convince him he has a problem. You are best seeking out help for yourself just like you did here.
Welcome (((Mer))) you are not alone, you are in the right place, you are right for reaching out. Getting help for yourself is a great first step. We cannot be good moms if we don't take good care of ourselves. Get to a meeting if at all possible, and keep coming back!
