The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have identified one of my necessary goals as: Knowing/learning what I want.
What DO I want? While I don't have to know exactly per se, I need to have an idea. I want to have an idea, in order to move toward it and begin to make appropriate, healthy decisions aligned with this goal.
What do I need? What do I need and want in a relationship? I want to ask all of you in the community of alanon folk who have worked on this: How did you answer these questions?
In order to get back to me, to my center, to that quiet place of infinite wisdom, I am consulting both old resources and new ones. I am trying to be more present to my life. I am working on having faith and reconnecting with God.
Again, my MIL has been telling me that my AH is doing self-work, and that things are different than they appear to be on the surface. That more time apart is what God wants for us right now. (For those who don't know, I asked AH who is one year in recovery to leave after I called police during an argument with him). I am trying to trust this, though I don't entirely trust my MIL. I know, regardless of whether or not AH is doing "the work," I need to do the work - but I need to banish my doubts and fears in order to do this. I find that his pulling away, though intellectually I know we need it, feels more like he is trying to control - and it triggers abandonment issues. I end up worrying that he isn't really doing self-work, and then we can't be together.
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"The first step toward success is taken when you refuse to be a captive of the environment in which you first find yourself."
My experience has been that until I really started trusting my HP, it in turn helped me trust myself. I then know I'm doing what I need to be doing. The biggest lesson I have learned in the 4 months that I've been dealing with my own separation is that I don't have to do anything right this second. If I am in doubt, .. don't. I have the opportunity to wait and make my own decision in my own time. It means for me I have to turn things over to my HP and wait for an answer or even a sign that I'm moving in the right direction. So far in all that I"ve gone through God's (HP's) Will be done not mine has been the tried and true lesson.
Whatever my AH is doing or not doing .. that is just not my business to concern myself with .. on that end I know what I know and I have to find peace with that, .. I will not do myself any good wondering and obsessing about what HE should or shouldn't be doing .. I will find peace and serenity knowing I have done the best that I can and trust that God has not brought me this far to drop me on my butt. :)
It gets easier, getting a sponsor, working the steps, going to meetings, surrounding myself with supportive people is what has worked for me. Keep coming back!
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
I know for me, I could not even really truly focus on my recovery until my AH was out of the house. Then and only then was I free of the anxiety of whether he was drinking, lying, etc...I could be alone with myself to see who I was and what i liked. I I agree 100% with Pushka--when in doubt, don't. His lease came up after 6 months and i was still not 100% sure I wanted to be under the same roof as him, so I said he should sign another lease. Not what he wanted to hear but I knew in my heart i was NOT ready to go back to the insanity nor did I trust he was really doing his own self-help things...and I was right, he wasn't> Glad I trusted myself!
This was the topic of our meeting last night too. There is such a whirlwind of emotions as we begin to unravel things. We can be gentle on ourselves, slow down, and listen to our inner voice and not feel pressured to "act". When the time is right, it will *feel* right I think (I hope)
