The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I haven't talked with my mom for 5 years and I really needed that time to heal and take care of myself. I have been attending alanon meetings for a year now and am making lots of progress. I saw my mom the other day at an event and asked her to come over to sit by me, I just felt this huge compassion for her. She sat down and we hugged and talked and then went to lunch after. I really feel that my HP nudged me into making this contact with her. It was so interesting because I thought that she had been affected by alcoholism and that is why she has always been such a dysfunctional mother but she told me she was diagnosed with a personality disorder, bi polar, and disassociation disorder. She then told me that she didn't believe her "then" psychologist. It was very obvious to me that she has something really wrong. She switches in a second. I really enjoyed my time with her but felt this overwhelm of saddness. I realize now that I am no longer angry with her for the attacking things she has done to me (and there were some bad ones) I made sure to apologize to her about my wrongs and she forgave me. Now I just don't know where to go from here. I miss her and yearn for a relationship but I will never have the mom that I wish I had. I also know that I need to focus on her good points. I worry about her and if she is going to go off the deep end-she is so fragile. I want to learn how to have a relationship with her and yet still take care of me. I don't know if that is possible but I feel the need to help her. But I have helped her my whole childhood and then I became sick. I don't know how to go about this. I wonder if I treat this situation of mental illness the same as I would the alcoholic-I am confused. I miss and love her so but I have to put myself and my health first. I wonder if I can have both. Thanks for listening.
Hello willowtree -my first thought upon reading your post was, hmm, i wonder if they are support forums for those dealing with bi-polar people? I did an internet search and there looks to be some you could try exploring, see if you find wisdom from those who are dealing with the same things.
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I am strong in the broken places. ~ Unknown
All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another! ~ Anatole France
NAMI has support groups and family to family groups in most communities. That may be a good resource. The other thing to know is that personality disorders are pervasive and rarely improve. Intensive therapy can help but I imagine she had a history of trauma that created some maladaptive behaviors as a means to cope. Sounds like they may have diagnosed her with borderline personality disorder. I suggest getting some books that will help you to understand why she's behaved certain ways throughout your childhood and adult life.
Yeah for you reaching out to your mother that was a biggie. For me when I can accept people for who they are , knowing that I cannot change them I am able to just love them and let thier Higher Power take care of them . I have learned in this program where the line stops from helping to enabling and can detach with love while I continue to take care of me . Using this program All relationships are possible . Louise
I certainly think using the Alanon program with your mom is a great idea. There are a lot of people in my life, especially in my family, that are not alcoholics that I just need to practice acceptance with. If I don't accept them for who they are and where they are in their lives I can not be in a relationship with them.....bottom line!
I mayget some books on her disorder and I'm sure it will give me more of an understanding of her. Just being around her made me realize that I will not take offense if she says or does something. I actually will understand so much more-but I will take care of myself #1. Abbyal, you are so right to love her and let her HP take care of her...what a relief to me. Using this program is going to help me have some sort of a relationship with her and I am forever grateful to this program-I don't think I could have been this strong to be around her if it wasn't for alanon. Gailey, I love what you said "If I don't acccept them for who they are where they are in their lives I can not be in relationship with them" I feel I have accepted my mom where she is at and so it makes it easier to be around her. This program can help me in any situation I am learning-and with anyone! I am glad that we don't live in the same town though lol.
My mom has been texting me every day since I saw her. She is either calling me all the time or just ignoring me my whole life. I dont know how to set boundaries with her. I really only would like to see her twice a year but I don't want her to think i am being mean. Can alanons tools work for this situation? My whole body has been hurting since I saw her. I have to go to a BBQ this weekend with her there and I am nervous. It is like my mind thinks I can handle it but my body remembers the pain I suffered. She is not a safe person to me. Even if she is mentally ill.
