"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"

Gailey · ~*Service Worker*~

My A son is facing jail time

Bettina · ~*Service Worker*~

Whatever you feel is right to say to these two little girls at this time is up to you.

Personally if it was my situation I would protect them as much as possible at this age.

But dont project as to what the sentence is going to be. Trust in your higher power.

Best to you, Luv, Bettina

orchidlover · ~*Service Worker*~

What I can say is that living with an active alcoholic/addict is equal to devastation. We can only protect people so much.

Personally I lived with the now ex A for 7 years and his drinking/driving stuff drove me to despair.

I have been there done that with taking care of an alcoholic who is"trying".

I think there are limits. I'm not sure what yours are.

I don't know that going to al anon for a year does help with the impact of someone who is so self destructive. I think it gives us a few more tools but regardless the alcoholic will be the alcoholic. Nothing but nothing we can do will change that.

Maresie.

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

I wonder if it won't be helpful for those little girls to know that excessive drinking has consequences. And I want to say that I was brought up in a home with many secrets. They all thought they were protecting me from things, but I knew there were secrets. In some cases, I knew the secret itself, but since I knew I wasn't supposed to know it, it enforced the feeling of, "You must NOT, EVER talk about that." So it was just me alone with my thoughts and fears. In other cases, I didn't know what the secret was, just that there was a big minefield which made me afraid to ask questions. The grownups got uneasy and I knew the shame was too great for them to be able to talk about it, even though they pretended everything was fine.

So when I heard the AA saying, "You're only as sick as your secrets," I understood. The secret-keeping just caused a sense of fear and shame in me. Not to say the whole world has to know every speck of my business. But I don't think the secret-keeping helped me when I was a kid. I think it was in aid of the adults who found it difficult to face up to their strong emotions about things.

I don't know what the right answer is in your case. Maybe an Alateen group could say what others have done. Hugs.

AStrongerMe · ~*Service Worker*~

I suppose I might say something like "sometimes we make mistakes and we get consquences, like when you get a time out or a toy taken away" - something along those lines. If it's possible to not tell them right now at this age, that might be better but only if the truth plans on coming out when they understand better.

Not to keep a secret IOW. Maybe "dad has to go away for a little bit but he will be back and we can use a calendar to count the days while he's gone".

Hugs.

canadianguy · ~*Service Worker*~

Tough one for sure Gail - I can't help but think of the fact our program is based so much on rigorous honesty. Yes, your son is facing some of the consequences of his past choices and behaviors. I have a hard time believing that you could "white lie" to a 9 & 11 year old for a year about where their Daddy is? In my humble opinion - it is not yours to explain the jail issue - that is your son's to do.... What may be expected of you, as a loving grandma, is to help them through their questions, their days, their fears - all without judgement... This can quite easily be turned around into a positive - in that there is a certain pride that goes along with your son being accountable for his behaviors, etc...

Take care

Tom

Chaya · Senior Member

Perhaps this needs to be your son's responsibility to tell his daughters, not yours.

sweeetr · Senior Member

I beleive in honesty with kids. They dont need 'details' of things that are above their understanding. For example... When my son and I meet to eat with my AH my sven yr old knows he cant home ride with dad cause he had a drink or two. I tell him we all make choices and if dad, or anyone, gets pulled over after having a drink or two they will be in big trouble with police becasue its not safe for them or others. Choices equal consiquences ... and being sorry cant take back anything thats done.
You can be sorry but still face consequences. Sometimes he'll say I need to tell dad not to drink or mamaw not to smoke. And I tell him,you can tell them its dangerous but its their choice and you can only make your choices... He seems fine with explaination, but again at seven .. He doesnt need to deal with adults' choices... if he didnt ask why he has to ride home with me.. he wouldve never got the explaination to start with.
A lil white lie.. still builds doubt.. theres never a good time to say.. oh I lied

Gailey · ~*Service Worker*~

thanks, everyone!

Tom...you are so right about the program being based on rigorous honesty. I know that if it is a year sentence that we would not be able to keep it from them. I was thinking more on the lines of 90 days that we could tell them something different.

Also, I wasn't going to tell them. That will be left up to my son and his ex. I was just wanting to get an idea if telling them would be way too destructive. I am remembering back years ago when he and his wife split up how horrible it was for the kids then at 3 and 5. I sometimes see tears in the 9 year olds eyes when they have been visiting for the weekend and we drop daddy off and take them home. My emotions are not allowing me to deal with this at the moment. I have to admit that I am feeling like isolating and running away somewhere to not have to face what will be happening in the next few days. I have way too much other crap going on in my life right now and I no longer feel like dealing with any of it.

I suppose one thing we could do is use the word "detention center" instead of "jail" I think it might be a little less scarey for them.

Ness · ~*Service Worker*~

((((((Dear Gail)))))....good to see you posting, I think of you often.

I'm glad to hear that your son has some recovery under his belt and is embracing AA,the members will no doubt be supporting him in any decisions he needs to make re telling his children. This will all be part of his recovery, if he can 'own' his disease and its consequences.

Have you asked your son what his plans are, maybe his answer would relieve your anxiety somewhat.

If your grandchildren come to you and want to talk about it you will be able to draw on your Al-anon tools to guide you.

Sadly there is no protective ring fence we can put round them to stop the disease from penetrating their lives, we can only answer with honesty and simplicity.....little at a time, as & when.

My grand-daughter is now 5 and is beginning to see that there is something not quite right with her Daddy. He sees her once a month but only with supervision. Im hoping that, should she ever ask me anything, Al-anon will have my back.

I too have been letting things slip lately but I'm being given reminders that it works if I work it.

Look after yourself

Love

Ness x

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

I sure hope you can dive into your Al-anon recovery program and focus on the things you can change. Try to focus on this one day and all you can do with it and let the tomorrow unfold tomorrow. Sending you love and support!

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

I wonder if there could be a plea bargain done by the attorney for him to do community voluteer work and or has to wear a leg bracelet thing, has to check into work meetings home. Something very restrictive instead of jail.

The judge may look at his almost a year changes.

Does not hurt to ask. plus having kids that age might help too.

Jails and prisons are so full.

As far as the sweet kiddos, dad needs to tell them the truth. Yes it will hurt. believe me I know. I had to tell my two babies there daddy died.

Kids are not stupid. Believe me some child will tease them about it and that would be so much worse than preparing them.They need to know what made him go to jail. That he is not a bad person, that he will be ok.

I remember my daddy just being in the hospital and mother brought us to see him thru his window. Back in the old days....I was scared! Kids are scared by this. Myself I would never take a child to a jail or prison, never.

PHone calls,letters, having them draw him pictures and write to him are great. Keep it positive. Its just part of his getting well. Pray there is AA where he goes.

Sending you so much love. Those kids are so fortunate to have you love them. My kids lives were ever so much better when they had their Grammy.

hugs hon,debilyn

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.

"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"