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Hello, all, this will be my first post to this board, but I have been "lurking" here for several months (I guess I'm shy.)
I'll try to give some backstory without going on too long:
I was in a relationship with an active alcoholic for 3 years (there's alcoholism - denied and swept under the rug - in my immediate family, so no big surprise) and for two of those years I wasn't aware of the extent of my bf's problem. We broke up last year, but remained in contact - the result of which was mostly that we kept fighting.
Beginning last year, I made a substantive effort to change myself and my life - I moved out of the building where we were both living, limited my contact with my former bf, reconnected myself with my faith, and tried to address the fallout in my own life primarly from the relationship apart from the alcohol (I had a miscarriage, which has been by far the most difficult thing I've experienced) and from having been involved with an alcoholic. I read some of Melodie Beattie's books, which were helpful, and my return to my faith was even more helpful. When I was about two months into this effort, I received a call from my former landlord (unaware that my former bf and I were broken up) along with emails from the former bf's roommates to the effect that the former bf's employers hadn't heard from him in a couple weeks (uncharacteristic of former bf) and that he wasn't doing well.
I made a conscious decision, which I do not regret, to get invovled in the situation and saw former bf through his intial hospitalization (a broken rib (a fall) and detox) and subsequent relapse (he made it a month cold turkey, without AA or any other group after he got out of the hospital.) Former bf is currently enrolled in out-patient rehab, is attending AA and his own church, all of his own will, which is great.
For the most part, I have also been doing well. I am careful to respect my own needs and have been able to maintain a relatively supportive, cordial, and detached attitude towards my former bf in the ups and downs of his early sobriety. I'm not totally free from what-if-he's-upset-and-starts-drinking anxiety, but I am able to cope without interrupting my life. That is, until today.
I was totally thrown for a loop today - mostly by my own reaction (very upset) to something my former bf said. In the course of talking today, he managed to dismiss out of hand what progress I've made on myself. I am sure it was unconscious and unintended, but I'm having a hard time letting it go.
I know (with my brain) that at 3 weeks sober and still in rehab, he's no judge of anything, let alone my progress, but, wow, did his response bring out the over-react-er in me!
I have found much encouragement and help in reading this board over the past few months and would appreciate others' experience/techniques for dealing with anything similar.
-- Edited by peregrinator on Sunday 3rd of June 2012 09:09:22 PM
Welcome to MIP! You will find experience, strength, and hope here. I too was a lurker when I came here years ago. I would read, then eventually I posted comments. Then I came out of the lurking and posted my story. I realized that I would not get the help I so desperately needed unless I asked for it. Regardless of where they are drinking/not drinking/rehab, we are up against the disease of alcoholism. Keep working on yourself. And keep coming back.
Welcome and it's good to hear from you! I lurked at first too, it's okay. :) Helped me to get a feel for how things worked before I jumped in.
Maybe you can look at the loop you were thrown for as simply a reminder to continue working your program. No one is perfect, we all get thrown from time to time. Even the old timers. You were able to recognize the trigger, and came here to ask for support. I image that is a much different response than you would have had in the past! So, I would look at it as a marker of your growth. And a blessing, as the incident can show you something about yourself that may need some attention and self-care.
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Only to the extent that we expose ourselves over and over to annihilation can that which is indestructible be found in us. -from Pema Chödron's When Things Fall Apart
I am still friends with my exAH because we have children and I want to keep things good between us. Whether he is dry or like now currently active he isn't rational and will always try to keep the focus on me or what he sees my shortcomings to be, anything other than this tiresome disease of his. I finally learned I am not crazy and he is not my HP. In Hope for today Al-anon daily reader they had a great share about this sort of thing on June 3rd I believe. Sending you love and support!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
Thanks for all the replies - this is a great board :)!
It really is amazing how much just telling other people about a problem can be helpful.
@Dolly - thanks, it's good to remember that everyone gets caught out every once in a while.
@Tom - Yeah, I've been reminding myself that former bf is still not well, and still in the very early stages of learning to manage this disease, so I'm generally trying not to seek anything from him. But he's been so much improved and so much more even-keeled lately (which is awesome), that I guess I'm in danger of forgetting and slipping back into the wrong mindset as I did yesterday.
I guess working a program/taking care of oneself is like weeding - the weeds are never quite gone!
-- Edited by peregrinator on Monday 4th of June 2012 01:39:40 PM
Hi there, and glad you decided to "delurk" (love that term, lol).
One of our great old sayings is "you don't go to the hardware store for a loaf of bread", in that - going/expecting/hoping for empathy, compassion, acknowledgement etc. from an active A (or one in very early recovery) tends to be a bit of an excercise in futility.... He's likely not capable of looking too far outside of his own self at the moment - so getting any kind of validation from him is unlikely (at best).
Glad you're here - you'll get plenty of validation and support from other undetstanding members... Sound like you are making TONS of progress on YOUR recovery, which is wonderful.
Keep coming back
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
I think for me the people pleasing ran really really deep. I'd go out of my way for people, giving more than I had to give in so many ways. I gave time, energy, money, goods, suggestions, books, films. I had this idea that was how to be a "friend" and be liked.
In al anon I came to realize I was "over" giving. These days I give of myself far far less. I had to really rein it in. While I'm plenty pleasant to people it doesn't involve my time, energy, resources.
Deep down within my people pleasing was the expectation that at some point the person who I was giving to was going to appreciate my efforts. They often didn't in fact I'd say as a rule they didn't. Then I would be devastated. Now I'm far less devastated and thrown for a loop and most of all I am very much aware of what I'm doing, when I'm doing it and what my limits are.
