The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Something came up that I haven't wanted to talk to my sponsor about, because although it's not gossip and I actually have a genuine dilemma that affects my recovery, it involves other people in our small Alanon community.
Some time back, a married man in the program made a pass at me. I rebuffed him and he apologised, but he continued to act attracted to me. Fortunately, he started attending different meetings than I do, but that isn't my problem.
Within the past few months I've been feeling like I've hit an impasse with my sponsor. I love her and she has done a lot for me, but as a single woman, she has told me that she doesn't feel qualified to address romantic relationship issues.
I've been looking around for someone to work with on this, and the one person I am most drawn to is the wife of the man who hit on me. Now, this is awkward to me for a couple of reasons -- mostly because my working with her might put me back in contact with him, and I am very uncomfortable with him.
She is one of my favorite people in the program, and I always get a lot out of what she shares. She used to be in the profession I'm in as well, so that's another bond. But mostly, I feel like her particular combination of intellect, spirituality, common sense and a certain no-nonsense way she has about her would make her a good sponsor for me. I think I was drawn to her when I first started attending meetings here, but at that time... well, I don't really remember what it was. My best recollection is that she seemed to be struggling with some things at that time, and the sponsor I ended up asking to work with seemed more serene.
But now this woman seems more grounded to me, and all else being equal, I feel I have more in common with her.
I have not told anyone about what happened with this man, and I would prefer not to. I trust my sponsor, but I feel weird about telling her something that might change her impression of someone else. I guess I could talk to her about the situation and not identify who the people are, but eventually she would likely realize it by association.
What do you think? This is the first time I've posted in this forum. I didn't even know it existed until last night, when a new member mentioned it. I thought -- well duh, of course Alanon is online now, just like everything else in the world!
I'm glad you found us. This is a tough one, isn't it? So many different parts of it. Remember that you don't have to make any decisions right away. It may be that things will become clearer as they unfold further.
Thanks -- it's reassuring to see that y'all are willing to just listen and not immediately jump in with suggestions. And it's just good to be able to share about it. I don't think I realized till now what a burden it's been. I guess since I've been in recovery I haven't been used to keeping things to myself so much. But in a way, I'm proud that I have been able to "keep this within the confines of my mind." I try not to judge him, but it's hard particularly since I am so fond of his wife.
Also it's kind of validating to have it confirmed by others that it is really a dilemma, and not something I've blown out of proportion in my head! I agree that I don't have to do anything right away. Maybe this is one of those times where I just need to "turn it over."
"P"...Aloha and welcome to MIP...It's not all Al-Anon but it seems that the largest part is and that's good for me. I am reminded from your post of the lessons from my early sponsorship about "responsibility to and for self". In short I was taught that what happened in my life and the consequences of it were my responsibility and that "accidents" and "bad luck" would go away. Early sponsorship taught me to think first of the consequences I needed and then do the actions to get those consequences. My actions; my behaviors are choices...what I feel is a choice...what I think is a choice all are responsibilities. My recovery is "my" responsibility and my choice and I fulfill it as I've been taught and led to practice. My early sponsorship would always remind me to "find and use what ever is available to gain and maintain my recovery". You can have that for free...it cost me nothing but the time to listen to it and then follow thru on it. The consequence is my recovery anything that is available to damage my recovery and lots of things are do not become choices and therefore negative consequences. You are not a slave to random fears if you have the power to choose and then act toward your consequence.
You want a higher level of recovery and have found a person who might (you have little or no experience with her as a sponsor yet) help you gain that...feel free to ask and feel free to keep the others at safe distances at the same time. It is your peace of mind (soul) and serenity that is at stake and you desire that greatly...guard over it and help it grow. In support with the rest of this family. ((((hugs))))
Welcome to MIP! We don't give advice in Alanon. But, I say keep looking for a sponsor other than the wife of the man who made the pass. As they say in the program, we make progress not perfection. We are not perfect whether we are in the program or not.
