The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
i went on to the beach with my male feind it went good i was soo tensed up ,dont really know why ,i couldnt wait for it to be over with,it seemed he throughly enjoyed it all,he didnt notice me being tense ,i kept it hid,we talked and talked he opened and closed the car door for me everytime,wow never have i been treated like that,lol he asked me to go eat mexican with him so he toook me by my house to change out of wet clothes and when we got back from eating he stood around for a bit ,i knew he was up to something and ugh i thought well let me get this over with,so he hugged me tight and held my hand in the car all the way and said this feels good just tohold hands so then i felt better about that and then while he was hugging me he kissed me on the lips ,i didnt know what to think about that so i thought well freinds can just kiss on the lips,then he massaged my shoulders and neck and said next time illl give you more of a massage i said thatl be good but i wasntthinking of any more time ,then texted me over and over last nite about how sweet it was then told me he would trade me a massage for a haircut that h was getting hairy,ok now im getting itchy by this time thinking is this goig to far or what and he did say it felt good to have someone of the same religion to talk to instead of just kids that he had at home,i told him id have to see about that haircut and all for he wants it sat. nite thenhe said whenever is best for you,so this mornig i text my freinds good morning and i texted him too and he got to talking agin,im gonna have to not let this get out of control cause im not the least bit attracted to him in anyway,and do not want him to start thinking other ways,so what do i do here???need esh what does it sound like etc......hugs silent
I would be honest at this point. If you aren't attracted to him, then let him know it. You certainly don't want to lead someone on and get into a pickle at this point. He seems a bit needy and I have never kissed any of my 'guy' friends on the lips before, not even by accident. I think he is looking for something more than you are and he needs to know how you feel. I used to the be the master of pushing the good guys away all while being pursued by the bad guys but I used to go about it the wrong way. I'd basically just avoid them, LOL. These days, though, with technology and cell phones I guess it's not as easy! Good luck, you'll do great and if you can just stay friends and he's ok with that, then that would be great too.
I am definitely getting signals, with the kiss and the massage and the talk about more massages, that he's headed in a physical direction. And fast, too. Every time I jumped into an involvement fast, it turned out to be too fast. In a way whether you are attracted to him doesn't matter as much as the question, "Do I want to get into an entanglement with this guy? Before, you said you didn't, but it looks as if it's happening anyway. I'm getting the sense that he's a guy who pushes even past where people want to say, "Not interested." So he'll need some heavy brakes putting on if you want to put a halt to things. A lot of people get what they want just by exploiting other people's reluctance to be "impolite" and say, "No, no, no."
You being tense and wanting the date to be over with is a good clear sign. When I have not honored my gut feelings, I always get into trouble.
It is possible he did notice your discomfort and didn't care or figured he could push you through it.
To me, it sounds like a lot of physicalness and sexual suggestion for a first date. ESPECIALLY as you made it clear you weren't looking for romance. He comes off to me as the kind of guy who thinks a woman is just playing coy and he can get her where he wants her with his persistence and overbearing.
It comes down to how YOU felt and feel and laying down a boundary. He will respect that or he won't. In my experience, you have to be a bit brutal with this kind of guy. Give them an inch (ok, we can go to the beach but I'm not interested in a relationship) and they'll take a mile (he ends up at your house, you end up kissing and getting your neck massaged). Well, it may feel brutal, but you don't have to be mean. Unfortunately, some guys get their kicks on making a woman squirm in a bad way and they think it's some kind of game. It's not. Be very clear and don't allow any physical contact you do not want.
Like Jerry (i think) said once- choose the consequence you want first, and then choose your actions accordingly.
__________________
Only to the extent that we expose ourselves over and over to annihilation can that which is indestructible be found in us. -from Pema Chödron's When Things Fall Apart
i sooagree here with all you fina alanon freinds of mine have said and yes im not going back out with him no no no,lol thanks for helping me see it for what it was,im so blinded or cat think or really i havent never known how to perceive things from others cause ive never ever dated or anything.if he cant just keep it phone freinds then oh well im not excepting any more invites from him.he is pushing for something....hugs to you a wonderful bunch here you have saved my day,your all angels with wings for sure...hugs silent
Why even be phone friends? What would you get out of that?
__________________
Only to the extent that we expose ourselves over and over to annihilation can that which is indestructible be found in us. -from Pema Chödron's When Things Fall Apart
When you spend time with a person, you're learning about them. I think what you know about him now is that he is interested in a sexual relationship. But he knows you're not interested in romance, so he's probably thinking it's no-strings casual sex. And he wants to keep it secret. And he is trying out pushing you beyond your limits and seeing if it works or if you'll shut him down. Those red flags are flapping in the wind. I'm not sure there's any need to text him or be phone friends. What would be in it for you?
The "smooth operators" I've been out with started in a similar way. They're extra attentive, seeming very eager, opening car doors, being gallant, because they know that many of us have had rough times and will think, "At last someone who's interested and who treats me like a lady!" It's the bait. They're after something. Unfortunately what they're after is not our happiness. Their attention feels so good in the beginning. Then we get hooked. Then the attention disappears and the behavior gets awful and we turn ourselves inside out thinking, "What did I do wrong? How can I get that wonderful behavior back?? What do I have to do?" At least, that's been my experience, which I have all too much of, unfortunately.
So glad you are noticing your reactions and his behavior, and thinking about what you really want. I wish I'd done that years ago.
As I read the post I get that he took alot for granted and put on the rush. I hear boundaries crossed without asking if it was okay with you and him pushing his needs on to an enabler....enabler beware because I let a lot of things happen to me for fear of saying no or wait or I'm not interested in that. I fought against my own best awarenesses and was the one who screwed myself up. Being of the same religion doesn't mean being of the same beliefs...In support (((((hugs)))))
I am glad you are listening to your red flags, you don't owe anyone your time or attention. It sounds like this guy was assuming a lot and in a hurry to take things fast. I know I get lonesome and fell into a bad rebound situation right after I left my exAH, but I learned so much from that guy that stalked me and wanted to be glued to my side. I now have good boundaries and a strong program to keep myself on track. Sending you love and support!
__________________
Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
thanks agin and i dont know what i was thinking,duh i guess theres no such thing as a male "freind" any more i can get my self tangled up into something at times without even knowing it,and then to back my way out whoa,even just being phone freinds is not gonna work cause of the way he is going about it he even told his son that he was bringing home a woman,they said ...no u aint, so he is out to get him one a woman is what he is really after,but its not me im not the one so ive pushing away,not answering his calls or if he text im keeping everything like it is as in nothing thanks agin for yalls support....silent
)