The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Some people keep repeating patterns from their childhood, but the point I finally got to in Al-anon after judging everyone in my meeting as crazy and dysfunctional, which I did judge them all, was to work on myself and realize they all had program tools that they could share with me,, no matter where they were in thier own program. I came to love them all and received something helpful from each and everyone of them. If you unable to find a sponsor or feel anyone in your Al-anon group are working a strong program, you can find another meeting time and group to try. I wouldn't give up until you have tried going regularly to enough meetings that you have a good start in your own recovery. It could be your own distraction mechanism, I have one that I have to keep in check daily to get working on my side of the street and stay out of other people's business. I noticed I am really bothered with people who most remind me of my own unresolved issues and it is a hard one for me. Sending you much love and support in your persuit!
-- Edited by Breakingfree on Thursday 31st of May 2012 10:14:15 AM
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
Hi Forge Ahead, great question! I can only answer from my personal experience, I have attended regular al-anon meetings for many years now. To me, it's because it's quite rare for al-anons to ever complete the 12 steps. Many don't get a sponsor and many never do a 4th step. So often, people will come back to al-anon after many years, wishing they had stayed because they got involved all over again with another alcoholic/addict. They found new love and no longer felt a need for al-anon. I don't judge that, it could be me too. My experience was, I had to suffer until I couldn't stand the suffering anymore, I was screaming out in pain when I hit my bottom. That was the ONLY way I could ever be open to hearing the message.
Everyone's bottom is different, mine was so low I didn't want to be on this planet anymore. After I was led to al-anon, I was open to all the suggestions because I simply had no where else to go, I had read every self-help book under the sun, tried 5 different counselors but they gave me no tools for dealing with alcoholism. I found my answers in working 12 simple steps, they help me to KNOW MYSELF and why I had found myself in the life circumstances I did. The distance between my dark pit of despair and a spiritual awakening was just 12 steps. And I will never stop singing praises!
Thank you for posting, I hope you can find a fellowship family that supports your growth as mine has. When I moved to another state, it just took some time for a new group to grow on me, so be patient. Ask Higher power for what you need. My experience is, it will be supplied.
-- Edited by glad lee on Thursday 31st of May 2012 12:22:44 PM
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The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
Went to my second meeting(at a differnent location)last night. I am realizing that many of the people at these meetings are using the term "detaching with love". eventually it seems they are divorcing the first one and then having the problem again with the second and sometimes third marriage. When do they realize that the problem is with themselves??? This is frustrating to see these down and out people working through the same issues over and over again.
It doesn't seem to me that they feel in control of their own lives. I get a sence that this is their lives(al-anon). I don't fit in here and I wonder if people in my situation just go through private counseling instead?
I'm not sure how many meetings you have been to, if the meeting isn't fitting I would encourage you to find a different one. You are absolutely correct .. many times the pattern repeats. It's not my job to point that out and make a judgement .. I only need to focus on my own program. We all have our own lessons to work through and no one else can measure the amount of pain that another living human has been through.
For me I do individual counseling with an addictions person as well as Alanon, I have started throwing AA (open meetings) into the mix, it forces me to really focus on my own program. I see and hear how helpless everyone is in terms of addiction. It's a weekly reminder that, yes .. I see that I am powerless and I feel ok about that. I'm grateful I don't have to have the same lessons others do. I can sure pray for a fellow human being that they find peace.
Detaching with love, there was a great thread recently, means .. being able to not take what someone else does personally and love them anyway. What some people do is trade one addict in for another and I am just as guilty of that act as well. Married at 23 to a drug addict and turned around and found an alcoholic after that. I know now that is so not what I want and I have to keep the focus on what I do want.
Again I don't have all the answers, .. I am still searching for myself, as are many many people out there. It's what we do to spiritually, emotionally, mentally and physically grow and mature.
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Hi Forge Ahead, That is a great question and like glad lee I can only answer from my personal experience. I have not attended a f2f meeting but I am on MIP just about everyday whether I log on or not just to read and get the serenity of knowing I am not alone. Situations vary for everyone. I am also seeing a therapist once a week, which helps in finding how I can get back to being me. I married my first at a young age, we too drank and had a good time. About a year after we were married I caught him doing heroin in our bathroom, this was not something nor would it have been something I chose for my life. I did divorce him and remarried later down the road. AH number 2 barely drank a beer when we would go out to dinner when we first met, after several months of being married I saw that he was not able to hold jobs, then coming home to see beer bottles everywhere and no AH. There is alot more to my story but what I am trying to say is that this was not something I chose, nor is this something I can control (him) I could have stayed married to number one and would have just had our 15th anniversary. Alcoholics and drug addicts are sneaky, they lie and decieve to get what they want and sometimes that includes partners. The true colors come out down the road. Please don't judge too hastily the folks that divorce and happen to have repeated patterns, it's not like "we" sit in bars waiting for the next demon to latch on.
This is not meant to be mean hearted, just a little insight from my experience, please take out of it what you would like and leave the rest.
You know when I first went to al anon 20 years ago I was horrified. I realize now I hit the wrong meetings. Sometimes finding the right forum is very hard. I found that here. Certainly many of us have more than one relationship with an alcoholic and there is a real draw, sense of attraction for many of us.
I'd say that therapy definitely helped me some. I think that the nuts and bolts of al anon helped me a great deal too. The tools really helped me to work on many many issues. For some of us the way into 12 step programs is through something like Aduct Child of Alcoholics to really come to grips with our childhoods, some people do indeed go through al an on and find the right resources.
If you don't like a meeting you can go to another. There are also meetings here and this message board where you can certainly see and come to know people who are moving through issues.
For me alcoholics in and out of recovery have many great qualities. They have also many many red flags. Those red flags are what I go by. When I see a red flag these days I don't brush by it I pay atteniton to it.
I hope you can find the resources you need. Certainly no one is going to insist you go to a meeting if you don't like it.
I can only share with you what my experience was, and hopefully you can find it applicable....
I came to the doors of Al-Anon very arrogantly. Yes, I was broken, and my AW was a disaster at the time - and I knew I could no longer do this on my own.... But my arrogance delayed my recovery.... When I thought I was "better than" the others in that room, I stayed stuck, and sick, and it was NOT helping me. I spent a ton of time in my early (so-called) recovery, privately "fixing others" in my Al-Anon meetings.... I knew exactly what this person should do to fix their problems, or specifically what that person should do..... Of course, I was full of myself, and had NO idea how to fix myself and my own problems - let alone what any others "should" do....
In fact, my first go-around with F2F meetings, I left after a few meetings - deciding that this was just a bunch of "bitter old ladies, bitching about their A's", and decided that this was not for me... My life became (even more) unmanageable, and I returned a year or more later.... This time around, I found the meetings to be a place of warm, loving individuals - with tons of compassion, wisdom, and knowledge - a group that I could learn from, and share equally with..... Funny thing is, they were the exact same group of people..... It was ME who had changed - I wasn't ready the first time around - I guess I wasn't "sick and tired of being sick and tired" quite yet the first time....
With lots of work from my wise old sponsor - who was as blunt and assertive with me as I required - I learned that I could learn - from each and every person, situation, etc., both within the walls of Al-Anon, AND elsewhere. In this way, our program isn't all that different than AA for the alcoholic.... If we humble ourselves, accept that we can't do this whole thing on our own - we begin the healing process so that we can, indeed, get better.
Another of my personal faves - "Try us for six meetings, and keep an open mind/heart to it all.... if you are unsatisfied, in any way, we will gladly refund your misery"....
Take care
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
well, Thank you everyone! I get your messages and will keep trying meetings with an open mind. God knows I am not one to be judgemental. I will continue to work on myself, knowing that I am the only one I can change.
I see it pretty simply. Both sides are a little "broken". One needs to be taken care of, one needs to take care of others. The A has bought into the idea that he/she can't take care of themselves so they seek caretakers. Enablers, etc. The Al Anon has bought into the idea that we must elevate others so we don't have to look at ourselves and see our own faults and needs.
It's a perfect fit. When a healthy person meets an alcoholic or enabler, they run. We think "wow this feels great" because it is what we are used to.
