Finally got what I aked for - Al-Anon Family Group

Corgi2 · Veteran Member

Finally got what I aked for

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Corgi...I can relate and now can't put together how you can be stupid as a result of his choices. You're hurt and resentful and angry and a bunch of other things but stupid isn't a feeling. Step two comes next..."Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could lead us to sanity".

((((hugs)))) smile

maryjane · ~*Service Worker*~

Corgi, I can relate, too. You are not stupid. No one thinks that their sig. other of 4 yrs. will turn out to be what you have. Yet it often happens whenever the disease of alcoholism is there. They always eventually get caught and leave a trail of broken hearts. You now have to concentrate on you. Take care of yourself.

rehprof · ~*Service Worker*~

that sucks. I have nothing more profound to offer than that.

sending strength

your sister in pain AND recovery

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

Corgi,

Big hugs, I so understand .. I echo as well you were not stupid. His actions are not that of a sane person. They are his actions. It IS painful and you will get through it. All of the feelings you have going on it is ok. I hope you are attending face to face meetings, it helps a GREAT deal. I walked around for a long time and still do reminding myself that feelings aren't facts. This to is going to pass. I am so sorry you are dealing with so much at this point. It is overwhelming.

Take it one day at a time. When my worst fear came to pass and the sun had the dang nerve to show up again the next day .. insert eyeball roll here .. I was so not a happy camper. Lean on us during this time, lean on your face to face meetings and keep that recovery closer than you know. It's going to get better.

Whatever you do don't allow the past to define you for the future. You can let it reshape you into a better you just don't allow it to define who you are.

Hugs, in support, P :)

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

Corgi you are no idiot, to believe the person you love is not stupid. You happened to love someone who is an A and it won't make sense, because he is unable to be rational. I am praying for you to grieve for a time and come out better than ever knowing all the great things you deserve! It was so hard for me to realize all the things my exAH did and was, but I am better and stronger for it and have my 2 beautiful children for it, so I stack it up to worth it, but never to repeat anything like it. Sending you so much love and support right now!

orchidlover · ~*Service Worker*~

I wouldn't call it stupid. Denial is a protective mechanism. These days I am much much better at sizing people up but I had to start somewhere.

The ex A who I was invovled with lied day and night. That is one of the characteristics of an active alcoholic/addict. I took it all very very personally for a long long time. Now I don't. With al anon I have come to expect an addict to be an addict rather than think I can change them.

Maresie.

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Oh hon you got your truth. It does hurt horrible!!

I felt my AH cheated just by not staying with me and working on things. We had such a closeness, I NEVER thought we would lose it.

I know, I know. I didn't feel stupid when I found he had commited adultery. Always told him, ya do that I am gone.

Felt sorry for him for losing me. In reality, he needed someone he could parasite off of, someone who thought he was so wonderful as a low life drunken heroin addict.

That person was never going to be me.

You were extremely brave to ask for this clarity of truth. Marisie is right, denial is a very powerful thing.

Well you have us, we are here for you.

love,debilyn

ps I saw the cutest video of someone vacumming their corgis tummy. WAs sooooo cute. made me think of you. I just love our dogs with no legs!!! hugging you!!

Corgi2 · Veteran Member

thanks everyone for the love and support. your esh keeps me going even thought i just want to curl up and not exist. last night i completely broke down and felt disgusted with myself because i still love him and am having a hard time walking away even though i now have confirmation that he is the horrible person my gut told me he was.

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

Hugs Corgi,

I really encourage you to take a look at how sick he is vs what a horrible person he is .. he's an addict, he's an addict, he's an addict. You control, cure or fix him. He is doing exactly what addicts do. It does not take away the pain he has caused you nor just it justify or rationalize it. It's what they do, .. period. Beating yourself up as to why you didn't see this "horrible" person is not going to make you feel better. It is that whole what could i have done different crap and that doesn't do any good. It is so much better to have compassion with yourself, be gentle with yourself and just take the time to focus on your own needs vs what you should have seen. End result is still the same .. you are still processing a tremendous amount of pain and that all takes time. I'm still working through a lot myself at the moment. Each day it gets a little easier .. please .. go easy on yourself it's a process and we don't jump from A to Z without going through the other 24 letters of the alphabet.

Of course you still love him, you have a history together, dreams, memories and that is all normal. You are finding what is good for you and what is not. It is sooo ok to remember the good times when you are ready for that they will be bitter sweet, it's so much better than just being bitter. It's never about wasted time, it has to be about what is learned and gained out of such relationships.

Do something good for yourself today. Go to a meeting, whatever it is you do to feel good, just do it. The tears will come in waves, and that is soooo ok. Just let them pass through and know there is sunshine after the rain. They will come many times over as will a million other feelings. They are only feelings .. they are not facts to act upon.

Big hugs, it's not easy as we walk through the fire it soooo gets better and it is soooo worth it!!

120 days out and it's the hardest thing I've ever gone through .. ironically I wouldn't go back to the way things were. The growth I have found far outweighs the pain of that one moment. There are days I laugh and cry at the same time .. each time I come out the other side and it is soooo worth it. I had to let go and just let him be who he was going to be. He has his own journey and he will have to face the consequences of his actions sooner than later. They aren't mine to own, they aren't mine to count.

Hugs P :)

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