The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Hi PurpleFlower! Welcome to the MIP board. Only your husband can decide if he is an alcoholic. The purpose for Al-Anon and this board is to support family and friends whose lives have been been impacted due a loved one's drinking issues (whether or not the loved one thinks they are an alcoholic). We do not give advice, but offer to share our experience, support and hope. My husband's drinking is very similar to yours. We've been married 30 years and as the years progressed, he got sicker and sicker. DUIs, loss of his job, destruction of our finances, isolation...it was too much for me to handle on my own.
As has been shared on this board over and over, if he's going to drink, what are you going to do? I would suggest, if you haven't done so already, please look into going to an Al-Anon meeting in your area. Try six different meetings and see if Al-Anon is a good fit for you. Sending you lots of support!
Green Eyes
-- Edited by Green Eyes on Wednesday 30th of May 2012 12:46:51 PM
-- Edited by Green Eyes on Wednesday 30th of May 2012 01:01:12 PM
-- Edited by Green Eyes on Wednesday 30th of May 2012 01:23:38 PM
Hi-I'm new here and need advice about my husband and his drinking-I feel like I am losing my mind and hoping I can get some perspective.
I have been with my husband for 4 years and when we started dating we would both have wine every night and I would have never guessed he had any sort of alcohol problem. After six months into our relationship he would drink a lot at parties to the point of almost passing out but at least he was nice, although annoying. Soon after that the nice drunk was replaced with an angry belligerent drunk who would do dangerous things like jump out windows or run away somewhere and get lost, say mean things or embarrass me. He would always wake up in the morning and feel bad and promise to quit but it never happened-he would stop for a month or two and slowly start bringing alcohol into the house or order one drink when out to dinner, then two the next time, etc. He eventually grew to resent me for wanting him to stop, and then gave up in January because he says I don't like him when he is sober either. I swear I feel like he acted obnoxious sober just to prove a point to me because he never acted like that before-I feel like I totally lost the person I love.
My problem is he does not see himself as having any alcohol abuse issues because he doesn't drink every single day and when he does drink he waits til after five so he isn't a true alcoholic. He has a job, he's somewhat successful and has many hobbies and friends. He tells me that he is more successful in life as a drinker than I am sober, because I only work part-time and have had a hard time finding full-time work in my field. He is also surrounded by friends and family members who drink more than he does so he doesn't see his drinking as anything troublesome. I figured out that on average, there's at least one instance a month where his drunkeness upsets me or ruins my day, or ruins some event we are at, and every other time he drinks and doesn't cause a scene, I can't enjoy myself because I am counting how many drinks he has had and waiting for him to cause a scene. I finally had enough a few weeks ago when he ruined a wedding for me with his drunken antics and then "couldn't handle my depression" that followed the next day. He told me he "couldn't be dragged down" by me anymore and that I needed to seek help for my depression, but he doesn't understand the root of my depression is what alcohol has done to him and my marriage. He wants to blame everything on me and I try to tell myself that he has a problem and it's NOT me but I keep hearing his voice in my head telling me I am crazy and that he doesn't have problem because he isn't a typical alcoholic.
Sorry for the rambling but any advice would be greatly appreciated!
Thanks for the reply! Yes he definitely needs to decide if he is an alcoholic and he doesn't think he is. It's so stressful trying to determine every day which one of us is "right" in this situation. I consider myself a smart and strong person but he still manages to convince me that I'm the one with the problem. I feel very alone and like no one understands what I am going through because he hasn't yet gotten himself into trouble and doesn't really seem to have an out-of-control problem to everyone else around him. When you are the only one that sees a problem you can feel like you are going crazy!
Thanks for the support! I understand no one can give advice or answer my question about him being an alcoholic but it feels good to get it out in a place where people might understand me a little better! I will definitely look into Al-Anon meetings-I have been scared to go but I think it's a good idea.
It really dosent matter if he is an alcholic or not , what matters is how it affects you when he drinks .. Al-Anon will help you find your own answers to the problem . please try our program for a few months and see how you feel about what is going on in your home . Alcoholic or not his nasty aggresive behavior towards you is totally unexceptable. In our program you will learn about boundaries in your relationships , people treat us the way we allow them to , your the only one who can stop it . Sorry means nothing to me , changing the behavior shows thier sincere. Just my opinion Louise
I'm going to chime in here with the three C's: You didn't cause it You can't control it You can't cure it
The issue here is that YOU have an issue with his drinking, whether he is an alcoholic or not. Lots of people tread along that line of alcohol abuse vs alcoholism for decades. What really matters is how you are handling(or not handling) it.
Here's some of the excuses and justifications my AH gave me regarding his drinking:
1.I don't hit you or beat the family when I drink His interpretation is: Therefore, I can't be an alcoholic because all alcoholics are violent 2. It's not like I drink every day or wake up shaking and needing a drink His interpretation: Alcohol obviously isn't a problem for me because I only drink once a week, if that 3. I only get into real trouble when I get to drinking the hard alcohol. I can handle my beer just fine His interpretation: There are different variations of alcohol and as long as he stays away from the hard liquor, he can't be an alcoholic
Oh, I could go on and on. The blame game, the lying, the hiding, the manipulations, etc. It all comes down to: He's going to do what he's going to do so what are YOU going to do for you? I know it's hard, I'm walking that path myself. My AH got an extreme DUI back in February and goes to jail this weekend for 3 days. Then he has home detention for 11 days and will have an ignition interlock device for 18 months on his car. This was after 15 years of NOT drinking at all. And, to top it all off, he went through 4 6 packs this weekend while I was away with our son!!! And, I sit there on the crazy train and scream: Let me off! I know what you are feeling and I can't say enough about Al Anon. It's not going to be easy but you can find peace and serenity FOR YOU!
Well my husband agreed he was an alcoholic a few years ago .. went to AA after my father in law had to remove him from our home so my son (4yrs at the time) wouldnt see the passing out incoherant behaviour.. Ill never for get that night. My AH sitting on toilet falling into wall, spitting on new tile floors while not realizing he is even in a house. I quickly put our son in the other bathroom tub to bathe, Turned water on full blast with no stopper in tub so it would drown out voices and never fill up.... I called father in law and said you have five min to get him out or plice will (by now he's hollering to find me falling into walls... cuz he made a mistake) Anyway he woke at his dads had no memory what happened .. my fatherinlaw actually had him in a head lock and rammed into side of truck tryin to load him up before police arrived. I was already back in house helping our son get ready for bed... Next morning he woke up.. asked if id meet him at AA (i did) and three months later has decided its a control issue. That was "how he was raised" So to date now... He feels he is NOT an alcoholic he just has a little control isse at times.. But bounderies set here that night... Nothing gets out of hand around our son, and If he chooses to drink and get mouthy.. (I keep bag packed in trunck) and either I or my son and I leave for a mini vacation at his expense. I am fortunate he is a functioning A and hope that continues. I also have my money I make from my job going into an account he has NO access too, from his checks 1/2 of our house bills etc go straight into my account .. I had to set these bounderies to protect myself, and my son. To get back to my reply ( I get wordy) My AH refuses to admit he is an alcoholic... And it no longer bothers me... I refuse to be codependent ..I have never been an enabler as he grew up with his family with that role... but i have been codependent by feeling quilty or responsible to "fix" him.. and in his opionion he's not needing fixed.. So I have worked on fixing me instead ....and that is working much better for myself,and my family ... Definitly not the story book life, but thats why they are fictional books !!
__________________
..."expecting the world to treat you fairly because your a good person, is like expecting a bull to not attack you because your a vegetarian "
You will find there are a lot of people with almost identical stories. Yours mirrors mine in a lot of ways. We started out "enjoying wine". Found friends that "enjoyed alcohol". I used to DREAD going to parties with my AW because she would always get too drunk & embarrass me. Why can't she have a couple, relax & have fun? It would only happen at parties or get togethers.....for a while. Oh I would get so mad as I dragged her to the car & stay mad till the next day. We'd "work it out" & it would happen all over again. You get depressed, I got angry & frustrated. Slowly it became more frequent & not just at parties or get togethers. It turned into a daily habit & I began to slowly see the woman I fell in love with fade away into an entirely different person. One who lies, cheats & manipulates. Her disease is so self centered & incapable of love. But that wasn't the only problem. I handled things very poorly. Though at the time I thought I was justified & doing the right thing. She was obviously wrong, so I had to be right, right? Not exactly.
I started going to alanon when I reached the point where I thought I was going mad. I didn't know up from down, my emotions were everywhere. I started getting angry at things that did not deserve it. Stupid frickin dishwasher! I learned that I didn't CAUSE it, I can't CONTROL it, & I can't CURE it. When I realized I can't do anything about her drinking, I was free. I felt as though the world instantly fell off my shoulders. There is much more I have learned in Alanon & on these boards. I learned all the ways I have enabled her when I thought it was things I was doing for myself. I did a lot of things wrong, but it's OK because it eventually did lead me to alanon.
It took a little courage to get to my first meeting. I was scared as hell. I guess it was coming to terms with the reality of it more than anything else. I wish I had found alanon much earlier, it would have saved me a lot of years of anguish. Now everything is perfect! I have money tree, i wake up to a rainbow in my yard everyday.........not really, but I am able to deal with it. I am able to let things go when they need to go. I can even find genuine moments of happiness, even though my wife is still actively drinking & getting worse. I can do this because I can be the angriest, saddest, most frustrated person that has ever walked the face of the earth & she is going to drink & do whatever she wants. Or....... I can be the happiest person I can be & she will drink & do whatever she wants. It is my choice.
So sorry you have to deal with this, but you are educating yourself & you should be proud that you are seeking answers. It is a hard thing to do. Whether or not he is an alcoholic is up to him & you can drive yourself batty trying to find that answer. I know I did!
Alcoholism is progressive and it often starts out with only a few drinks a few days a week and evolving to more often and after 5PM etc and then when they do drink, they just get wasted.
Someone once said to me, if you tell your husband genuinely that his drinking is impacting you that dramatically and negatively and he cannot realize that his behavior is a real problem, he is probably an alcoholic. Some one NOT addicted is likely to say, "OH no! I am sorry--sure no problem, I won't get wasted when we go out, I'll stop after 2 drinks"...because they could physically and mentally do that w/o a problem because they do not have cravings and compulsions to drink like an alcoholic. I know couples who have had that conversation...and it is great for their marriage and that person was not an alcoholic. He just didn't realize how seriously his drinking was impacting his spouse. My husband could not stop drinking, despite me begging and pleading him...and he could go days w/o drinking, too and had a job. Alcoholics are not homeless bums drinking out of paper bags. They are just normal people.
As everyone said here Al-Anon is for families and friends of alcoholics so that we can deal with life better and it does work. Best wishes for peace and you learn more.
Thanks so much for all the responses! It really makes me feel better that I'm not alone in this situation. Most days I question myself and wonder if I am overracting and think maybe I should have kept my mouth shut when he had a drink, or maybe I could have done something else different, etc. I wish I had found this board earlier or went to an Al-Anon meeting earlier, it might had made more of a difference in my marriage. Right now I am living at my mom's because I couldn't put up with the drinking and the blame that he puts on me because I "can't relax and enjoy life" aka keep a smile on my face when he drinks. I guess now it's time to work on myself.
Country Boy our stories do sound a lot alike. I used to love get-togethers and parties and now I dread them because I don't know what kind of person he will be after a few drinks. People notice my worried face and have admitted to sometimes not even bothering to talk to me because I look so miserable. That's no way to live! We have the same pattern where we fight about it and work it out and it happens agan. At one point, for a long time, he would be apologetic and feel so bad for what he did, but now he's just angry and resentful toward me and calls me the "governor" because he feels like I try to govern him. He also has some deep-seeded hatred toward my dad and his side of the family because he feels they are too uptight and hate him for being laid-back. I too get angry and frustrated and he says I have an anger problem, not even stopping to realize the reason I am so angry is because of his drinking. I take it very personally and wonder why he can't stop drinking when it means so much to me and it has had such an impact on our marriage.
Sookie you make a good point about people who can just stop after two drinks vs alcoholics. I think I really need to educate myself on alcoholism and realize he isn't stopping after a few drinks just to spite me but because he can't. Also a good point that alcoholics are just regular people and don't have to fit the role of a sterotypical alcoholic.
Ilovedogs...the three Cs make so much sense. I really need to remember that. I have heard some of the same excuses.
Abbyal-you are right, his behavior is unacceptable and it makes me feel better to hear that from someone who understands the situation. Hearing all of this makes me have some hope that I can go to a meeting and start to get through this.
I love this post. I was just sitting here after a discussion with my AH, absolutely exasperated! I looked through a few posts then scrolled back up and you appeared. I feel my situation very similar to yours. Like you and your husband we met when we were fairly young and in college. Drank a lot and had a lot of fun. Fast forward...... 20 years and 4 kids.
My husband has his own little party in the basement almost every thurs, fri, and Saturday night(sometimes Sundays) where he consumes anywhere between 10-18 beers. He has heart issues (discovered 1 yr after marriage and progressed since) that would prob. go away if he stopped binge drinking and, he is not as successful financially as he was 2-13 years out of college.
Now, underneath it all is a kind gentleman that realizes he has a problem but thinks he can control it. He is mad at me because, by me going to Al=anon and setting boundaries, I am "trying to control him" in a "passive aggressive" manor. He says he doesn't like the way I perceive him now (as a person with a drinking problem). He believes that he needs to be able to drink in social situations. Because that is the world we're in. When we have dinner with neighbors, parents of our kids friends, sporting events, we "have to drink".
Most of his close High school/college friends are alcoholics. They quit because they were going to loose their families if they didn't. Most of them were like your husband, belligerent, embarrassing and sometimes violent. We don't make time for them anymore because we moved 30 minutes away from the closest friend? Or MAYBE because they don't drink anymore? My husband is not belligerent but recently at a work function was embarrassing. My husband is the binge drinking alcoholic that quietly goes on drinking whether it be to celebrate, relax, de-stress, when he is depressed. It has become his go-to for every emotion. He is slowly killing himself.
I have touched on the elephant in the room many times over the years and I have finally had enough. When I was knee deep in young kids I didn't have time to address the way I was feeling. Then I chose to ignore the situation and the way I was feeling. Now that my Children are older 17,15,13,11, I am thinking about what they are seeing and have seen. I finally spoke with all of the kids individually. My only daughter(13)seems to be most upset. She has known that dad drinks too much but adores him and like myself didn't want to make him feel bad.
I say that I've had enough and what does that really mean? I don't know yet. I have told him that I would never leave him while we have our kids to raise but people have said that I have just given him a free pass for the next 7-8 years. I know that I cant control him and someone also told me that some people will never heal. When asked to make the choice they will choose the drink every time.
so, purpleFlower, I understand how you feel and because we are not supposed to give advice on this board, I can only say read between the lines.
Sorry to hear about your situation Forge Ahead. It definitely sounds a lot like my situation minus the kids. When my husband and I met I was the one who drank more but I am a social drinker and at this point in my life have one glass of wine a week, if even that much. I can take or leave alcohol. My husband also thinks we need to drink in social situations because that's what everyone does. He just cannot accept not having a drink when we go out. He too is a binge alcoholic and drinking is his go-to for every emotion. I worry about his health as he has high blood pressure and takes pills for it and alcohol does affect blood pressure. He also takes anti-depressants/anti-anxiety meds and ADHD meds and combining that with alcohol makes me worry. I keep wondering how much this will effect his liver.
I am living with my mom right now and I have told him that I am no longer going to let his drinking effect me because there is nothing I can do about it. I stopped by my house to pick up some stuff and talk with him and of course he was drinking. I did slip today when talking to him and told him I am worried about his health and of course he got defensive and pissed off. I know there's a nice guy underneath all of this, it's just so hard because he is angry at me for getting upset about his drinking and that anger isn't going away easily. I miss my old life and my old husband and I don't even know what to do anymore.
