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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> WHY?? When is enough enough and the fustration STOP!
Post Info TOPIC: WHY?? When is enough enough and the fustration STOP!
Julie3310


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WHY?? When is enough enough and the fustration STOP!
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So it has been a week or two since I wrote on here and i just need the reassurance everything is going to be ok.

my crack addicted ex is going to rehab tomorrow and it isn't by his choice. After last weekend when I thought I had a full proof plan for him and his daughter to hang out with my friend and her daughter for a birthday party it all was downhill from there. Make a long story short, I picked him up and of course, his daughter was not coming and he of course told me he was going to steal my keys if I did not take him to the trap house. I made a promise to his mom he would be back that evening because she was watching the baby and she had to go to work. I respected his mom so much that I even went with my friend to find him and take him back to his moms. he didnt want to go back and ended up staying there for a week.

I had to deal with his mom not being able to go to work, his brother stopped talking to me because he blames me for going back (which yes, he is right but he enables him too) and his baby mama screaming at me saying she will never leave him even if me and him are together (yes, crazy woman as well) I was very upset because every single one of them put blame on me and want to be done with him but when he comes to me they want to help him.

This past weekend I went to Key west. I didnt hear from him all week and he calls me to tell me he is staying by his baby mamas house and she left for the weekend (which was true) He tried me make me feel bad for being with my family and having fun. He wanted me to stay with him in her house and be with him this weekend. Basically he wanted me to give him money all weekend to get high.

I faced my trouble and this guy and my problem with him for the last time. (yes, I know I am probably the most hard headed nieve, dumb woman in the world) When I got back from the keys, I went to see him yesterday bc he said I just want to hang out. it was during the day so i didnt think anything of it. I saw him and he looked horrible. The big baggy eyes and dirty looking skin. He had on a brown shirt, black and red jeans and green and yellow shoes. (not that fashion matters, but u can tell he didnt care) He said "please take me to the barber I need a haricut I just need 20 bucks) I kept lying saying I didnt have money and i hid my purse in the trunk but he knew i put it there. He kept saying take me to get a haircut but it was in the direction of going to the trap. I said I miss you clean, I dont know this you and he said I dont know who i am either. He wanted me to pick him up after and I said I would and later told him my car was towed bc there was no way I wanted to be around him anymore.

Today he calls me from his baby mamas phone and he told her he was on the phone with his sister.

He called my phone 10 times during work and didnt care I was working. When I got out of work he said I am going to my moms later please come and see me we need to talk, I want to see you. I told him I had to babysit after work and it went straight to "its like that, thats how your going to do me??? fine forget it and 'xxxx' you!

 

He sister called me and said listen I know your a good person and you care but you have to stop. he doesnt love you and he is going to continue to bring u down. and so on and so on.

 

I had enough of everything. My patience and fustration level is really high even at work, i get really hard on myself if a guy hangs up or i dont get a sale. i know I dont love him and i dont want to be with him but I think I am fustrated my life has to be like this (for now) I am fustrated that he could go to rehab and decide to change and I cant. Or he could change and realize I wasnt the one for him.

I know I constantly repeat myself, but im mad at everything I had to go through to be there for him. I feel stupid and I am taking it really hard. I am mad that I feel lost and contemplating what is my role in life. why am i not motivated about anything anymore. why do i feel like I am completely confused like I have been talking to a wall this whole time. everytime I have seen him since he got out he had drugs on his mind.

I know im ranting, im just depressed i guess, annoyed as well. just want some reassurance some comfort.

 

thanks!!!



-- Edited by canadianguy on Wednesday 30th of May 2012 01:33:54 AM

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Mattie


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Hi, Julie -- I guess life is showing you the kind of turmoil that arises when you have dealings with your ex.  I sure had to touch that hot stove so many times before I was satisfied that it was always going to be hot.  Each time it was so painful (sometimes not immediately -- but always eventually) that it was devastating.  Then I felt I needed extra rewards to compensate.  And where was my source of good feelings?  He was.  (So I thought.)  Boy, that was Crazytown.

Keeping on trying to "win" did keep the focus off my own life, though.  Which is part of what I think I wanted to do. 

I guess the answer to "Will it change?" is: Which person is going to make the change that changes everything?  Addicts aren't known for anything but keeping on with their crazy behavior.  That leaves us.  When what we're doing hurts enough, we change.  For me, it sure had to hurt bad before I was willing to change.  Hope you'll take better care of yourself.  smile



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GailMichelle


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When is enough? You'll know it when the time comes.

When will the frustation end? When we change. Al-Anon has the tools for that to happen.

Glad you are reaching out here!

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You have to go through the darkness to truly know the light.  Lama Surya Das

Resentment is like taking poison & waiting for the other person to die.  Malachy McCourt
Debilyn


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Well as you can see the disease makes us crazy.

So if something makes ya sick, do you keep eating it? His disease is poison to you. Sounds like the family is too. Plus from all the evidense you share, he is using you.

It's not your fault you are sick! You are not doing anything that others haven't done kiddo. So its up to you to say stop, and go the other way.

You are not stupid for facing how badly this disease is eating your up. Good for you for  paying attention.

The sickness robs us from ourselves. Believe me once you cut the whole poison off, you will start healing and feel better. YOu will find what you are into, what YOU want to do.

It's ok to take it slow. Go eazy on yourself, let your heart heal.

Its up to you!!! You may want to go to a doctor about how you are feeling. I know we can get so worn down we don't take care of ourselves, then it makes it harder to heal up from it. It is like any wound.

Glad you came back again. Keep coming! love,debilyn



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sweeetr


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you are at the right place.. the insane behaviours of him,his family and yourself have been the norm for my life in the last five yrs. I have found from the awesome ppl on this board... its normal for most of us involved with this disease... It IS a disease !! My AH sponser told me, if you try to understand it youll drive yourself crazy. Ppl that have this diesease of addiction cant explain it. I have found that working on myself,detachment and knowledge (reading informational books.. and I am SO NOT A READER) have been key to me finding a happiness/calmness in the crazinest I havent had in years. I was told this too will pass.. and it applies to the bad, and even the good times that I dont want to pass, but when they do the dissappointment doesnt upset me as bad ..... The ppl on this board offer ebcouragement and sanity to an unsane world that we live in ... Keep coming back .... sending prayers your way !!

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 ..."expecting the world to treat you fairly because your a good person, is like expecting a bull to not attack you because your a vegetarian "
Julie3310


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Thank you everyone for your ongoing words! They truly Truly are priceless for my recovery from him. I think this issue is more about my problem at hand and he is just a figure. I am feeling like this because I feel like a failure and stupid. Why Did i give up when i stopped talking to him, why did i give him another chance and really try to believe a leopard can change his spots. He mad a fool of me again and that is what makes my blood boil. I feel like a failure bc i feel like i have given up even more this time bc i should have known better.

I feel empty and hopeless and even more now I feel like not changing bc this little moment of trying again failed. His baby mama has been texting my phone for the last hour, calling me a hoe and saying im ugly and how he was on drugs to be seen with me. I know i shouldnt have but i took out all my anger on her and it felt good. I will not let him or her or his family do this to me. I know she is just mad bc he comes to her when i am done with him. he curses me out behind my back and makes fun of me to her. but he uses both of us. She wants to paint a picture that he is good and she will never leave him no matter what he does to her.

I am very fragile right now and the littlest things are setting me off. I know this is my moment to never look back.

FOOL ME ONCE,SHAME ON YOU
FOOL ME TWICE, SHAME ON ME!

I hate him, I feel like i dont want him to get help or change, I want him to be a bum because of how much pain he has caused me. I am afraid he will change before me. I am afraid i will feel this resentment and he will be happy with her. I am afraid he will change and they will laugh about me and think I am the one that caused everything. I dont like the feeling of being used or feeling misunderstood from their eyes.

I am afraid of change right now bc i am numb to what has happened. I know she knows the truth and I made sure to repeat that he is the one doing this.

Thank you everyone. I wanted to start reading Codependency no more. is that a good read for me?

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Pushka


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Yes, it's a very very good read for you.

Alanon is also for you even though he's no longer in your life. It's more important that you are healing and getting well vs whatever he is or isn't doing.

It does get better, detach from the drama you don't have to play and be involved if you don't respond it will stop.

Hugs P :)

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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Breakingfree


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I hope you can dive into al-anon face to face meetings as well as here at MIP. I also recommend "Getting Them Sober" by Toby Rice Drews and "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie. There are 3 daily readers ODAT, Courage to Change and Hope for Today that help start out my day right. Keep coming back. Sending you love and support!

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Chaya


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I have been in the dark place you are right now. I've been there over and over. I put myself there. It really isn't much different from the despair of a chemically dependent individual. There feels like no way out. The anger and resentment and pain are unbearable and the only thing that makes us better is the thing that makes us worse. I relate so much to what you wrote. I, too, have tried to control my guy when it was really his addiction controlling me the whole time. I am powerless over addicts. I am

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Love, Chaya
Chaya


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I am powerless over addiction. My codependency has become so out of control that it impacts my life in a really destructive way. I don't want to live like this anymore! All I have is today and there is hope.

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sweeetr


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Julie .. I use to feel the same way.. How stupid can I be to forgive and try again and again and be lied too over and over....I spoke to a valuable friend and she said ... you are never stupid or wrong trying to save a relationship. You are not the stupid one for him lying and not dealing with his issues... You deal with your life and NEVER feel stupid for tryig no matter how many times he is "wrong".

I recently read.. if your not sure about leaving ...just work your own program, when the relationship is over it will have no pulse it will be dead and the decision will be made... If made by him... you did all you could and your HP will provide for you...

please never feel stupid for trusting and trying.. (meant a lot when I was told this and I hope it helps you also )

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 ..."expecting the world to treat you fairly because your a good person, is like expecting a bull to not attack you because your a vegetarian "
Julie3310


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It hurts so bad. I put my foot down today and although it feels like i am the fool and hurts, i cant feel like this anymore.

He called me after 3 days of not hearing from him and he tells me he wants to go out and wants to talk and see me. (in my head, i am thinking he wants to go use, or even if he doesnt he wants me to pretend like nothing happened and make up with him)

I told him I was having lunch with my friend and i was running errands. he got mad at that and says I put him second now. (when every chance he had with me in person he messed it up by wanting to use)

When he called me 2 hours later i told him i wasnt feeling well (which i really wasnt) and he decided to stop talking to me and said F*CK me and started making other plans.

He said he wanted to go get a drink or smoke and i told him i dont want him to be under any infulence, he didnt want to hear it.

He has been told by his PO he has to seek treatment or else he is going back to jail. I am assuming he will be going to jail for treatment. He justed wanted to have me back while he went in there.

I put my foot down and he couldnt understand, I am not as upset as i thought i would be, but it always makes me feel like my pain has taken a step back again in my process, i just cant afford the pain anymore.

i wish things could be different, should i feel bad for not going out with him tonight??? for him not getting his way, but of course in his head, i am lying.

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Pushka


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Hugs julie, it's a process for us. This is about you, you need to heal and get well .. Truth be told so what about him. Not meaning to sound hard and all, just so what. Your recovery is about you. If he isn't in to you getting well and not supporting you .. My honest opinion is I know I want someone who cheers me on vs looks for ways to crush me. He is def not cheering u to get better. Hugs p ;)

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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Julie3310


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I know and i have. I just always feel guilty for ending things right when he is about to go to jail or go get help and i feel like i give up on him or at least he makes me feel like i give up on him. He always wants me to stay by his side and make sure were 100% on the same page! I guess im always waiting for the potential or change and i have a fear of him changing and leaving me behind.

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Pushka


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That is stinking thinking right there .. "i have a fear of him changing and leaving me behind". I think the question should be "what if I change and leave HIM behind"? What happens then? What would Julie think of herself, how would Julie feel?

No one else out there is going to "fix" him .. he's got his own journey to go on. That's not even the focus here .. the focus is YOU have your own journey to go on. No matter where you go, you take you with you.

It gets better just keep the focus on you.

Hugs P :)


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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Julie3310


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Thank you all for your support. It feels like i am running a marathon with no finish line sometimes. It feels like a child trying to learn how to read or write. its sooo frustrating bc I have NEVER put me 1st and I dont know how to love me to fill this void.

Instead of filling myself up with good things, it was his posion and his words that did the damage.

I know in the end it will pay off and i will feel rewarded but right now I cant help but wonder why he hasnt called me or where he is. I actually would feel more angry knowing he went back to her house and didnt call me instead of him being on the streets.

I wish karma can show its face now bc i am bitter inside and dont want him to change until i am completely and utterly done with him.

wishful thinking but I know for a fact he isnt the one for me. even with out the using and drugs and lying and cheating his level of motivation and ambition lacks. and the level of communication is not there. He is stuck in a high schoolers mind at 31 yrs old without a job or car or dollar to his name.

I just wish I can constantly tell myself YOU ARE BETTER OFF!!!! TRUST YOURSELF!!!

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