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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Am I overreacting to a "damsel in distress" that my husband calls his friend?
Post Info TOPIC: Am I overreacting to a "damsel in distress" that my husband calls his friend?
pneys


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Am I overreacting to a "damsel in distress" that my husband calls his friend?
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I just discovered this site and am finding it helpful...thank you all for your participation.  I have been in Al Anon for several years and my husband has been in recovery for multiple substances/sexual integrity for 3 years.  For the past year, I have been dealing with a situation that pops up every 4-5 months or so (that I know about anyway).  My husband became close with a husband/wife and their 40 year old divorced daughter while he was attending church.  Last May, while attending service with him, he greeted the daughter with a kiss on her lips.  Kissing people on the lips is not his normal behavior.  I flipped out (after servicesmile). He defended, blah blah...I was clear that it was hurtful and not acceptable to me.  I also mentioned that I did not like the fact that her mother was texting/e-mailing him on a regular basis....It seemed that he was overly involved with her ongoing issues.  He claimed she honored his opinions/advice...her issues were usually around the drama in her daughter's life.  He finally agreed that there was definite co-dependence and, I thought, he said he would cut off the correspondence.  He did not, as I discovered e-mails in Dec where she was once again wanting dumping her distress on him and he was validating for her that his heart was always open to her and her familly (the husband is absent in all of this).  Once again I stated how I felt and told him that I believed this relationship was inappropriate.  Again I thought he said he was curtailing the contact.  Just a few days ago I discovered they were still having weekly e-mails..I flipped out again.  He justified stating they were "generic" and he was cc'ing her husband.  I believe in no way that these e-mails are appropriate, but am I overreacting?  What a codependent question, right???  Any feedback would be so greatly appreciated.....I get clear and then I spin again.  I did go to an al anon meeting this afternoon which helped and I took a trip by myself this weekend that we were supposed to attend together.  He didn't go after I made my feelings known.  I am caring for myself as best as I can.



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Fina


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disbeliefWow, you have my love and support and blessings and belief.  If you have a feeling and you are working a Program, you know the truth already.  Just envision the word "sick" or "insane" or "whatever" on his forehead and do what you'd do if you didn't doubt yourself.  Act as if you can believe your own senses and stay close to your Program.  disbelief



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Fina Of Nayarit
pneys


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Thank you Fina



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Aloha


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Aloha pneys

Thanks for sharing with us.

Do you have a sponsor? These are the sorts of hard questions I'd always bring over to a single trusted Al-Anon member for feedback. Otherwise I'd be faced with a ton of opinions and thoughts on the matter.

It's been my own personal experience that I had a hard time being willing to face the truth in matters like this. I would have ample evidence in front of me, but any time I would confront the alcoholic on it, his disease would turn the tables on me - tell me I'm crazy, tell me there's nothing going on, tell me whatever needed to be said so he'd be let off the hook for another day, week, month, year. I learned with my exAH that actions spoke louder than words, however. I told him such behavior was not okay with me and my moral views of what a respectful marriage and relationship were but apparently his views didn't sync with mine because he continued the behavior that did not sit well with me.

I drove myself crazy making an effort to catch the A red-handed. When I would get the evidence I was afraid I'd find, it only left me feeling more miserable than before. I would keep on not just trusting my instincts. For some reason, I felt I had to have the hard evidence so I could bludgeon him with it and be absolutely 100% sure I was justified in feeling hurt and being angry with him. I remained convinced that if I had that concrete evidence that when I'd confront him on it, he would feel compelled to stop or change.

Of course, that never happened - the change, that is. The A didn't want to change. Period. And that was absolutely his right. But I did not have to stay with him in a situation that didn't feel good to me. That was my choice and my right.

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Mattie


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What occurs to me is that whether or not he's up to mischief in this instance, he's a man with a background of sexual integrity issues, and his wife is anxious about another one, and he's not willing to dial back on the behavior to reassure her, and he's been lying about it.  I've noticed that alcoholic behavior is typically, "I'm gonna do whatever I want, and you can like it or lump it!" -- not a kind of compassion and negotiation that takes the other person into account.  It's not that healthy partners do everything the other wants them to.  It's that they listen respectfully and try to find a solution together, not dismissing the other person's concerns.  So he might merely have poor boundaries as far as this other woman is concerned, who knows?  But he's not doing much for his marriage in dealing with your concern. 

It took me a while to be sure I wasn't crazy when my A was doing all kinds of crazy things, because he maintained they were perfectly normal and I was the crazy one.  It's good to have other people to check in with.  I hope you can get to a meeting.  Keep coming back.



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pneys


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Thank you all for your responses...Aloha I do have a sponsor, thankfully. It helps to have this reframed from a few different sources and has helped to hear, Mattie, your comments re: listening respectfully. I react like a wild woman when I feel dismissed When I get hard on myself I do remember I did not create the atmosphere of distrust in our marriage. I will keep up with the meetings to keep me sane. Thank you again.

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Chaya


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RE: Am I overreacting to a
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I'm such a believer in trusting your gut instincts (except for when it comes to my own codependent relationships). If you know in heart that something doesn't feel right then it probably is not.

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Love, Chaya
pneys


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RE: Am I overreacting to a "damsel in distress" that my husband calls his friend?
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I, too, am a believer in trusting my gut, but in my marriage I get it all twisted!



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Debilyn


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I know this is all very hurtful. May I give you my esh? How I see it and have learned all these years is this.

If we are going to live with someone, be their friend, be married to them, we accept them as is. We have a choice to be there or not, be part of them or not.

We can change no one, only us. NO it is not easy. For me I have to follow,"To Thine Own Self Be True." I am not friends with someone I saw steal and lie. I could not accept this.

I divorced my AH when he commited adultery. That was that.

It does not matter what the A does, just doesn't. It's more do you choose to live with this behavior? You made your feelings known, he is choosing to continue.

So now its up to you to decide. You can stay and be miserable, or learn skills to live and let live and how to take care of you so you can be happy in the relationship the best you can, or you can walk away.

Myself I would not be able to live with that situation. It would tear me up. I would not allow the A's disease to make me sick like that.

NO it was not easy for me to let go, hurt like horrible!!!

Nothing changes unless something changes.

I invite you to think about how you want to spend your life. Do you want to be a detective, finding things that tear your guts out that you can do nothing about anyway?

What makes you stay with someone who so blatantly does things he knows hurt you? Not saying leave at all! More inviting you to think about YOU. 

I am glad you shared, it was very open and honest! You are beginning your recovery, we are so happy you are here!!!

love,debilyn 



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canadianguy


~*Service Worker*~

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Are you "overreacting"?  I am sure that I have no idea....

What I DO see, and I was very much the same way, is that you appear to be enmeshed in his disease, his life, his recovery (or lack thereof). 

For me, one of my "aha moments" was when I sent a long e-mail to my wise old sponsor, talking all kinds of things about my horrible A-wife, and what she was or wasn't doing, etc.....  I got a reply that simply said "38".  To which I responded (to my sponsor) "huh"?  He replied - 38 is the number ot times you referenced your A in that e-mail.... I am here to help YOU, not her.  Keep it down to reasonable level - i.e. 3 or 4 - or I will simply delete the e-mail and not respond"

Wow - I learned so much from Don, as blunt as he always was.... bottom line - one of my favourite old sayings: 

"He is gonna drink (or text, or be codependant with others, or kiss other women on the lips, or.....) or he won't..... what are YOU gonna do?"

Focus on you, and your recovery..... it is the best path towards serenity.

 

Take care

Tom



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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"

"What you think of me is none of my business"

"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"

 

 

 

 
pneys


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I have been enmeshed in his life and looking for evidence to refute the truth that I know..I relapsed big time in my co-dependency. I appreciate the wisdom and TRUTH from you all.

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