The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have been going to Al-Anon since two months and I can already notice changes in me and changes in the relationship with my AH.
I noticed that many people do not really talk about the roots of their problems, rather about the present and how to think and live in a better way. I cannot help though getting back into my childhood when I discover unhealthy patterns in myself.
My mother was ill and my father was in many ways a codependent. When they divorced, I stayed with my father. A year later he married a woman who brought her son into the family. From then on our family had a new "problem", we could make the little boy responsible for all the bad things in the world and my father could enable him in his drug career later.
For so many reasons I am angry with my father. The facts described above are a "proof" that there is a problem in this family and I am somewhat thankful for the circumstances allowing me to enter Al-Anon and to ask for help. Very often when my Al-Anon books describe a character defect, I see it in clearly my father. He once described his motto as "Live and let live", but practised "Don't live and don't let live".
In the family I was the nice one who was always perfect, shaped in a windtunnel, without any boundaries or real feelings. Because my parents stepped over my boundaries so often I had many bad experiences with people testing and walking over them, especially at work. I can go on lamenting like this forever, but is this the way to recovery? Is Al-Anon the right place to talk about these problems or should I try counselling? How do you deal with issues like this?
Hi there.... in answer to your question, I would say that the correct answer is "sort of", lol...
You may find that you get more direct help with those issues on an ACOA board, and certainly counselling is always a good option (with the caveat that the counsellor should have addictions-based training)
Al-Anon can also help - not so much about the dealing with your childhood issues, per se, but more in the way of recognizing our own character defects, and finding better ways to deal with people & things....
Never any harm in trying all three :) It's all good, and it's all about our respective recovery.
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
Welcome to MIP and I am glad you found us. It does sound like you could use some ACOA (Adult Children of Alcoholics) as well as here. I had many issues growing up in my family with an addict and alcoholic parents. I have had to do a couple years of counseling as well as Al-anon and having a great sponsor. I feel the best I ever have within myself and I believe if you keep coming back and find face to face meetings and a sponsor things will only keep getting better. Sending you love and support!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
Thanks for your answers, canadianguy and Breakingfree. I am sorry, I had not made one point really clear. I am the partner (say fiancee) of an alcoholic. My mother had other illnesses, one of them schizophrenia. If I can compare at all, my family developed very similar patterns to families of alcoholics. My mother would deny her illness, my father was the martyr and the family clearly dysfunctional. My step brother is a drug addict, enabled by my step mother and my father.
Although I can identify with many things children of alcoholics say, the AA related family groups are not a platform for me in my child role, right? I wish there was an ACOA for children of mentally ill or so.
Is there anything I should look for in a counsellor? Would addiction based training help me here?
I grew up in a home that did not have alcohol flowing as an issue until I was in my teens however up until that I def grew up in an alcoholic home.
Because my spouse has addiction issues, for me an addictions based counselor has worked wonders for me combined with Alanon. They get the alanon program and what it's trying to do so she works hand in hand with my 12 step program.
I also identify with the ACOA stuff as well, .. what is so wonderful about the program is you can take what you like and leave the rest. While I might not be completely able to say .. ok .. mom/dad was an alcoholic the behavior is still there and because of that I get a LOT out of the ACOA books and I relate very much to what people share regarding feelings of growing up in an unstable environment. I grew up with no filters as well as no boundaries.
There are CODA groups as well that will help in regards to the codependent issues you are identifying.
Keep coming back, hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
