I had to learn that it was ok to say no to somebody who wanted something from me.  Hearing that over and over again at Alanon meetings and seeing the people who had said no the next week were OK helped me find the courage to start saying no to others and starting putting myself first.  I needed the strength of the group in the beginning to stick with it.  I think when the pain becomes too much my desperation gave me the courage to try something new. One day at a time with the help of other program people and my higher power I began to learn somehow to let go of unhealthy people and get sane. If I wasn't sure if I should say yes or no, I spoke with others in the program by phone and got some thoughts about stuff they'd been through and how they handled it and then they lovingly let me make a decision for myself about saying yes or no to someone.

We say in Alanon, we'll love you until you can love yourself.  I was loved unconditionally and treated like I belonged at meetings without doing anything for anybody.  It was the beginning of taking my personal power back, the beginning to understanding that I had personal power to choose myself and a right to do that. I've been coming back to face to face meetings ever since. There is so much experience strength and hope there from everyone - newcomers and oldtimers. :)  Hugs.  TT

ty so much ,and pinkchip i never even entered my mind,lol that yes im actually focused on my self for a change instead of my ex,ty for pointing that out to me.

Silent, I had the same question for myself. Always considered me a patient, kind, helpful person. And confused as to why it seemed I also had DOORMAT tattooed on my forehead.

For me, the difference was boundaries. Patience is a wonderful virtue. But without boundaries, some people would take advantage of my nature. I am learning to spot these kind of people (it's hard), take relationships sloooow (not only romantic ones, new friends too). In the past I would always drop everything to help a friend in need...now, I ask myself if I really want to, how much energy will it take from my life, can I contribute in a special, worthwhile way or am I just filling space to feel needed? For example, a friend asked me to help her pack in preparation for moving out of her apartment before military basic training. I said yes because I actually love organizing and sorting, am looking forward to spending some time with this friend, and it will be good for me to get out of the house and give a bit of energy to another person.

I am also learning when to speak up for myself when I feel taken advantage of. In another friend-moving example, a few years ago I went to help a pal clean his apartment before the move-out inspection. I was doing all the work, and he was on his computer looking at Facebook. At first I ignored it, but as time went on and he didn't pitch in, I had a word with him- if this isn't a task that requires 2 people, I have other things to do today. Or something to that effect. Guess what, he apologized and started cleaning haha.

So I think it's especially important for us patient people to know how to call foul if we need to. Also, don't mistake your patience for fear, obligation, or guilt. Those kept me trapped for a long time. I would be so patient with my AH because I knew he was struggling with a mighty disease. Now, I look at people's actions instead of their lip service, another great way to decide if you're being taken advantage of. In time, I have learned my needs are just as important as anyone else's. An empty pitcher pours no milk...my first responsibility is to myself, and I am learning to be patient with ME!