The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
This week has put me back on the roller coaster. My separated AH, who was presumably sober for several months began drinking and hiding it, inlcuding going to work drunk and showing up here drunk on a day he watches our 2 girls so I can go to Al-Anon meetings. Once again, my boundaries were pushed to the limit.
That ONE hour he watches them, and the time we spend together after, is critical to me and I thought to him, too...we had an explosive argument and I guess it helped me realize BOTH of our pain and suffering. He keeps saying he is ready to just let go of it all...and give up? It isn't clear to him WHY he is bothering to get sober....Is this alcoholic manipulation or should I take him seriously?
I am SO confused...I feel like that should be the last straw: contact a lawyer--he cannot be trusted and is about to lose his job if he keeps it up. Yet, part of me is still the guilt ridden doormat: Maybe I am not supporting him the right way, I am unemotional towards him--he has nobody else. Won't it be worth the effort if in the end, it is better?
I *hate* feeling this way--at a tug of war with myself. AND I know deep down, he is sick...I cannot really depend on him or believe anything he says. I love him deeply and I hate him at the same time. I am grateful I have space, and I understand I do not need to DO anything, it just sucks. One thing is for sure--I am sick, too...so grateful I found Al-Anon.
These are my thoughts of my own situation .. yes on the alcoholic manipulation. You don't have to make a decision today .. you can sleep on it .. you can take time and make an unemotional decision based upon what is best for you and while you are in the throws of emotional upset now is not the time to make life changing decisions. It is ok to wait.
Now is the time to take care of you .. now is the time to figure out what you do and don't want .. now is the time to focus on you and your own recovery.
I just sooo understand and I echo the sentiment without alanon I have NO idea where I would be at the moment.
Hugs p :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
The disease is cunning, baffling and powerful. I truly believe they/we lose all perception because the addiction/obsession is soooo strong. It can happen to me too, I can't MAKE myself stop thinking a certain way, sometimes my perception is that my thinking is totally justified.... even though I might be totally in someone else's business, LOL !
The tug of war is real, it's like the mind is a battlefield. If he's not clear anymore, it's likely because his clever brain told him he no longer has a problem, probably told him he has already proven he can easily quit, so there's obviously no problem..... the addiction talking. They completely forget the pain and humiliation of the last drunk, it's common.
And your disease talks to you like mine did, my brain always told me that I was never doing it right, never "enough" for him to get well, if I was, he might stop. Ugh, we can't listen to those lies, that is our disease talking. You are enough, sweetie. You are powerless over alcoholism, but not powerless over working your program of recovery and taking care of yourself and children...
You may need a plan B to get to meetings. I have been to lots of meetings with kids, we do whatever it takes to get our serenity. Recovery is a gift because we "get it," how great is that?! We never get to graduate, but at least today, we don't have to do this alone.
In early recovery, I had a misunderstanding about BOUNDARIES, today I know that boundaries are for us. We can state our boundary if we feel we need to, but if we have the EXPECTATION that people shouldn't trample all over them, we just end up with a big fat resentment. A boundary is knowing what our limits are, and honoring them. My boundaries look like this, I have an escape plan if A, B or C occurs. The goal is to protect my serenity, I give MYSELF what I need.
You're doing great, just keep coming back ((hugs))
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The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
So hard to deal with - when my ex was sick (not with A, but with bad thinking) I had to quickly come to terms with not relying on him for anything regarding our kids. That is a very difficult road to cross because our justification system cries "but wait, it's his kids too, I should be able to count on him to parent them responsibly". But reality has to take over unfortunately. I don't know what you will ultimately decide but what I had to do (given that I had no one around me I could use for babysitting) - was to schedule things so that I never had to rely on him.
It sucked. I did that for nearly 5 years. It pissed him off badly. Problem with my ex was not drinking, it was "the hell with HER I'm not going to do anything to make her life easier" and he would back out of stuff at the last minute.
He's slowly coming around, I think years of him not being able to 'get me back' like he wanted eventually turned to losing steam on revenge. Now he cooperates but I still do not count on it.
You're in the right spot thinking-wise. You get that you can't rely on him. Now it's just the action part. I really relate though.
Why he drinks has nothing to do with you. You have no power over his drinking. Quit beating yourself up.
Believe it or not, its not about Trust, trust we get sometimes with normal people. Involved with somewhat normal relationships. Its about what you will accept and what you wont accept. Of course its not safe to leave your child in the hands of an alcoholic.
We sometimes forget and let our guard down, unfortunatlly we can never do that with an alcoholic. Its a liability of the the disease. "A stronger me" is correct when she said you have to deal with the reality of things and not what we wish was so.
Keep coming back and work for a strong program, it works.
I have reminded myself of the three C's a lot today and I even found something about the 7 C's: I didn't Cause it. I can't Cure it. I can't Control it. I can Care for myself By Communicating my feelings, Making healthy Choices, and By Celebrating myself.
Feeling a lot better after some time with my literature and my kids. I needed to be reminded, too how quickly serenity can go out the window if you are not careful and also gentle on yourself and others. Thanks--I appreciate these replies and have taken away some great help here.
Yes the tools of the program...all of them are gold in recovery. Using them results in miracles. I am grateful for the patience tool cause trying to rush God doesn't work.
Love the alcoholic and hate the behavior was a good lesson for me.
Sookie, I really feel for you. Self-sabotage is one of the halmarks of alcholism. A lot of people have to lose everything in order to get sober because sobriety can be contingent upon nothing. If he actually did get sober for you - as soon as you got into a fight or if the relationship went through troubles - he would drink. Perhaps that is what already happened. Anyhow, you stated the 3 C's already, so it sounds like your alanon tools are helping tremendously. There are tools out there for him in AA, he just needs to make use of them and, if he chooses not to, you obviously know that's not your fault.
You just stated you didn't know where you'd be if you didn't find recovery. He has to find his own enthusiasm for recovery. Until then, what exactly are you supposed to support? His "poor me" self-sabotaging behavior and attitude? You can praise and approve of someone working a program of recovery - but even then, there's enough support in the rooms that it's not that crucial.
My ex-A's chief complaint was always "You don't support me!" It was ironic because towards the end of our relationship, I was paying all the bills and he started passing out randomly after choking (due to some medical conditon from the combo of smoking and drinking). I stood behind him literally at the bars cuz I never knew when he was gonna start coughing, turn red, pass out, and smash his face on the floor. So - basically I was supporting him in every way possible and still getting accused of being unsupportive. You cannot make a broken person whole. Only they can do that for themselves.
I'm sorry you are going through this. I don't know if you have been to any open AA meetings. There are people there who get sober for any number of reasons generally its because the consequences of their addiction catch up with them.
I do know I spent years in the sea of resentment you speak about and I can go there in a minute. I have to watch my resentments like a hawk because they soon sink me into depression, guilt, rationalizing and more.
Boundaries are so key to me. I rely on no one for anything anymore because I was so incredibly absolutely dependent on the ex A. I lived my life hanging on his every word. If he was up I was up when he was down I was down.
I watch people around me who are in codependent relationships and I think it is actually the silent killer. We spend so much time focusing on them and their issues we neglect ourselves to the point of dying. Personally I know one woman whose migraines are now so bad she is searching desperately for medication. Another woman I know is ill. Her addict son recently gave her an ultimatum that its time for her to go back to work.
My health was in the sink hole by the time I got here. I'd had one life threatening illness. I had another chronic condition I was not taking care of. My dental work went out the window. I spent thousands taking care of the A's fines, car issues and more. Whatever I did was never enough.
We lose all sense of balance, perspective, and self enhancing up against alcoholism.
