people in the program - Al-Anon Family Group

willowtree · Veteran Member

people in the program

BRAlanon · Veteran Member

It sounds like you are having a tough time with a couple people. I can assure you this is not the everyday norm in Al-Anon but I have seen it happen.

Dominance is a tough issue and personality conflicts do happen. In the past when this has happened to me I spoke with my sponsor about it and tried to work the steps on that particular issue/person. I found that approaching a solution from that angle helped me grow as a person and in the program. I too have/had hugging issues and don;t like to hug much and when a forced hug that feels sooo fake comes my way I get antsy. I try and avoid those instances now by either putting out my hand or maybe go for the pat on the back move. .......... I have to keep remembering EVERYONE deserves a seat in the room, regardless of how I feel about them. One dominant person in particular, i made an attempt to get to know them better via doing service work together. We still have our moments but I understand her more and what her story is all about. This helped me see her as just another sick person, like myself, in the room. When we spoke or she shared I took what I liked and left the rest....... YES I know easier said than done at times....

as for the inappropriate remarks from the opposite sex I see from time to time ppl trying to use the program as a means to an inappropriate end. It's tough to confront people etc. Again consulting with your sponsor will help as will simply telling the person that sometimes their comments make you uncomfortable. Again working the steps on that issue can help too.

These are both tough scenarios to deal with but if you use what you have learned in the program you can find a solution. It may come down to having to do something you don't want to do but bottom line is you need to take care of yourself and if straight up telling someone to back off, in a nice way of course, is what you need to do then do it. It's possible in BOTH situations the other persons may not really be conscious of what they are doing.

GailMichelle · ~*Service Worker*~

When I find people that I "can't stand" I take that as an opportunity to investigate my feelings. I find it is never about them, but about me.

When I feel inferior, I investigate, too. I know the feeling is coming from me - my interpretation of the situation. The other person can't make me feel inferior without my consent.

In the not-to-distant past, I used to think it was the other guy that had the problem - and perhaps that is true - but when I investigage, I find that I have a problem too. All I can do is fix myself. With practice, this all gets easier. It's rewiring your brain; neuroscience has proven that the brain is capable of this.

Too hard · Senior Member

Many years ago, in a very small country town I had a very similar experience in Al Anon. A very small group and a difficult woman.

I struggled with it for about two years.

Eventually I decided that I was having enough to deal with ....a dry syndrome alcoholic at home, teenagers and working.

The situation wasn't helpful to me and I resigned from Al-Anon.

Unfortunately I could not go to another meeting, the next nearest being 50 miles away.

However I had a sponsor that I was able to keep in close contact with.

I believe I did the right thing, for me, at the time.

Good luck with your decision. T.H.

willowtree · Veteran Member

Thank you for sharing your ESH. I really do need to look at my part in this whole thing. I think I have a tendancy to play the martyr at times and I need to look at that within myself. But I also believe in my heart that my gut is right about both of these people. I cannot control them but I can control me. The serenity prayer is helping me with this. I don't have a sponsor yet and am keeping my eyes open for one. I really don't trust a lot of people. The 2 people that I do feel some trust with in the program are very close with this lady that I am having difficulties with and they all tell eachother what is going on with everyone else. Maybe I will try a meeting in another town nearby somewhere-it may be out of my way but it is worth a shot. I have to do what is right for ME. I can't believe how easy it is for me to "slip" back into old patterns. I know that I need to set a boundary with this guy and I plan on it. I don't want to play the martyr-I want to take care of my needs and not erase them. This is going to be a huge growth piece for me and I know My HP is helping me see this clearer. It is not easy but I know that I will be better for it. I do agree that I could bring this up in a group conscious meeting-but how would I do that? I have never done that-what would I say?

I love what you just said Dolly "It doesn't mean I have to stick around and listen" That totally makes sense!

-- Edited by willowtree on Wednesday 23rd of May 2012 12:11:20 PM

littlehawk · Veteran Member

Sounds like a great time to practice assertiveness and detachment. I have been in similar situations. If I were in your shoes, with the little bit I know, I would need to practice detaching from the condescending woman and work on assertiveness and boundaries to combat the come ons of the man. You don't have to just sit there and "take it". Most of us are too "nice" to tell people when they cross our boundaries and make us uncomfortable. But this is why we are in al-anon. Check your book index for help in these areas. I like to think of annoyances as challenges.

Good luck!

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

The other way to address these issues can be a group conscious meeting .. and it's something you can discuss with an long timer/sponsor whom you trust and get the inside scoop on how to help deal with the situation. It's not an opportunity to slam people in the group .. it's an opportunity to discuss what you like and don't like about the program and figure out the healthiest way to deal with it. It's important to have these meetings in a lot of ways it's that healthy way to deal with inappropriate situations, set boundaries within the group and so on.

I also agree that sometimes it's more important to look at myself and address my own issues vs looking outside of me to point that proverbial finger (not saying you are doing this thinking about how I react in situations). If I have done the work to look at me, if I have checked my motives, if I have done everything I can do to address the issue of myself in the situation then I can look outside and say ok .. that's not ok and I need to handle this in a different way.

A group conscious meeting is a really good way to address issues and not attack individuals. It does make a difference in a positive way. Now I say this .. LOL .. and have 2 group conscious meetings coming up in the next couple of weeks. I will be curious how they work. I know they are necessary just like in any relationship it's always important to check in and make sure that things are running accordingly keep what is good and let go of the rest .. kwim?

Hugs P :)

Dolly Llama · Senior Member

There's a phrase I have heard in Al Anon from time to time- stick with the winners. Of course in any group of people there will be personalities you don't mesh well with, or people you just don't plain like for whatever reason. Remember why YOU are there, focus, and spend time with the more experienced members who seem to exude the serenity and peace that you want for yourself.

I've only met one person through Al Anon that I couldn't stomach. She cross-talked a lot and started giving out legal advice during a meeting! :O After the meeting, we were walking to our cars and I decided to say hi and see if maybe she wasn't so bad after all. Nope, she launched into a monologue about how hard the meeting was to find, why couldn't they have a sign up, why weren't more people there.... Ugh. I decided she was stuck on a loop of complaining and now that I knew, I say a little prayer for her...and stay clear! We never know what someone is dealing with, why they are like they are, etc. So I try to be patient, but doesn't mean I have to stick around and listen.

Dolly Llama · Senior Member

Yay! It's such a wonderful thing to be able to dig just underneath our uncomfy emotional responses instead of following our old patterns...and GROW as a result! Truly amazing. It gets easier. The slips will become fewer and farther between. We all do it. :)

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.