The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have been reading some posts tonight about some of you setting boundaries and finding your inner strength with your marriages/relationships. I am so glad to see how al-anon works if you work it! I thought maybe I would share some of my expereince strength and hope (e,s,&h) on the board regarding these topics.
I have been married 4 times, all dealing with alcoholism. Three were alcoholics (2 active and one dry drunk not in a program) and one adult child of a alcoholic father who was severely abused sexually, physically and spiritually. The latter was probably the most dramatic expereince because of the incest and how it effected him, he became an addict of child pornography himself.
In each of these marriages when I finally got the strength to seperate from the alcoholic... there was an inital feeling of euphoria and release! This lasted for about a week to two weeks. This may just be me, but shortly afterwards there was a realization that it was over and a period of depression. I have come to realize this is normal and to be expected.
When something or someone dies that is close to us (and divorce is the death of a marriage) we go through 5 grief stages...
1. Denial - this is not happening to me
2. Anger - Why am I being put through this?
3. Barganing - surely there is a way to salvage this?
4. Depression - realization that there is no way to salvage this.
5. Acceptance - finally coming to terms with what is
I mention these stages, because we often don't associate them with grief, but we definitely greive the death of a relationship or marriage... it is part of being human. I believe the more that we realize that these are normal emotions and it's ok to feel them, the quicker we will come to the fifth step of Acceptance.
The other thing I'd like to mention is that it is a process. In most cases marriages didn't get the state of dysfunction they are in overnight, and it will take time if they are to be healed... whether that be through reconciliation or divorce. We must give ourselves time. I have heard in other Relationship rebuilding courses that for every 4 years of marriage we should give ourselves a year of recovery from that marriage before moving on (into a new relationship.) At first I thought this a little extreme, because when I divorced my daughter's dad (third marriage) I had suffered for so long, I had no desire to move on, but after a year I did decide to start dating again. We had been married for almost 12 years (together 13) and it had been 14 years since I had been married to an active alcoholic by that time.
I thought I could surely handle a dry drunk, said I. So I set out to date a guy who admittedly had medical issues from his heavy drinking and had decided to quit because of it. He did this without the benefit of program. The dry drunk "isms" ran rampent in his life... and still do to this day, and he is still dry 6 years later, but the moral of the story ... for me ... is if I had waited the additional 2 years before getting involved again (after the 3rd divorce) and spent that time working on me instead of trying to save yet another alcoholic (although be it a dry one this time) I would have saved myself a lot of pain.
But it's Progress Not Perfection, and I have learned my lesson well. I am currently not dating and have no plans to in the near future. I have male friends, but even with that I have to be careful not to "get attached". Just for Today, I will work on me and my Recovery. And as far as the "formula" for recovery goes, well it's different for each individual and I have often wondered, "if it's one year of Recovery for every 4 years of marriage what is it when you multiply that by 4 marriages?" LOL
Overcome
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I can Overcome all things through my HP who strengthens me.
Overcome!! Mahalo for that...it was my meeting for the night. Sooo right on the truth about how it was, what you found out and what you need to do now. I gotta do it to and your share is from my journals.
I agree .. that whole issue of taking time to step away and work on yourself is paramount. Thank you for the share it is a reminder that if we keep doing what we are doing we are going to get what we got.
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
I read to give yourself 5 years to recover from a marriage gone bad; time to process the stages of grief, examine the dynamics of the relationship and exorcise the ghosts of the marriage so they don't haunt any future relationships. I know a lady who after the death of her husband she said no more and stuck to it twenty years later (he was that awful). I have been alone for 21 months, divorced for 9 of them and I have no desire to date at all. There are SO many single men exactly like mr ex and I just don't want to join the circus anymore.
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I am strong in the broken places. ~ Unknown
All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another! ~ Anatole France
It's pretty critical to heal up before getting involved again. I grew stronger and less needy in the time in between my relationships. Hence, I was able to draw better boundaries and make better choices about what kind of partner I wanted. I was able to recognize red flags quicker. I was able to know when someone was not for me and didn't fall for the first person that was interested in me (regardless of what was wrong with them).
One saying I have heard is that "we attract what we are." If you are whole, healed, spiritual, and functioning independently, than you will stand a much better chance of attracting the same. If you are needy, desperate, lonely - you will probably also attract the same.
Very interesting and thank you for sharing! I didn't set a "time" but I did watch for my reactions as I dated. I was married 15 years - and it was well over 5 years before I felt like I was truly ready. I took a few steps thinking I was and would find that, nope, not ready LOL.
One saying I have heard is that "we attract what we are." If you are whole, healed, spiritual, and functioning independently, than you will stand a much better chance of attracting the same. If you are needy, desperate, lonely - you will probably also attract the same.
Oh how I love this! I think it is true of all relationships. Some of my friendships are as dysfunctional as my family!
I used to judge myself by all the relationships I had had. In theory in each one I got to work out some elements of my past. The kind of standard I held myself to was incredible. There was no compassion, no insight, no self care in there.
I don't have a relationship these days. Some people do believe I have one with a neighbor but we're friends. Before I would have been desperate to make it into a relationship now I'm not.
The person I was is gone that's what is so key for me. I judged myself entirely on relationship in the past. Now I don't. My own self judgement was one of the things that kept me in so many of those relationships and of course an abiding terror of being alone.
