Al-Anon Family Group

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.

Members Login
Username 
 
Password 
    Remember Me  
Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> ehh,, it definatly gets better, I wonder how much better???
Post Info TOPIC: ehh,, it definatly gets better, I wonder how much better???
glad


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 687
Date:
ehh,, it definatly gets better, I wonder how much better???
Permalink  

He is now with someone like him (and it's weird how happy that makes me, spooky weird) , I now have someone (I am taking it very very slowly with) who is so much like me it's awesome!! really it's odd.. but good odd..

I'm glad for both of us,,, but will I ever stop wishing my ex A well and "holding him dear in my heart" even though that in itself still seems crazy sick?

The following ramble explains what I mean... -- PS (written after the ramble below)  actually I'm going to get on with my day now (as opposed to a year ago when I would have laid in bed all day cried and contemplated this question) so all is well but I do wonder will I always care about someone who may have never given a poop about me ?? lol just typing all this made me think ehhh,, maybe not..

 I've wondered so much, why,, what were those seven years all about,, today my higher power mentioned to me that my love for my ex is not a romantic love,, but more like the love of a mother wanting the best for a critically ill child, trying to take away his pain wanting to believe his sickness was temporary and all would be well soon,SEEING ALL HIS POTENTIAL, believeing if SHE WAS A BETTER PERSON, SHE could "help" with the cure, getting angry that her child can not run and play with her, he can't "connect" because he just can't, not with her, because he's not like her, HE IS DEAF, he can't hear her good intentions, he seems REVOLTED AND DISGUSTED by them,  and she is not like him, and  they don't communicate love together, she wants to, so she twist and turns until she is crazy, she strugles till she can't breath, she becomes almost more ill than he is in a different  way,,, sometimes even mean...and even when she reaizes that she can't (change) help or make anything better, even after he dies, GOES TO A BETTER PLACE, FOR HIM and she accepts that he is gone, AND SLOWLY SHE GETS MUCH BETTER TOO and in many many ways her life is so much better, she is no longer in a bubble where she can't see anything but him, she hears her family, she connects with friends, SHE FEELS A KIND OF LOVE FOR HER GRANDSON THAN SHE HAS EVER FELT IN HER LIFE, something she most likely would have missed out on had the illness not killed the old her, she accepts that the obsession is gone,,and in a very strong way is glad the PAIN is gone too,, yet she holds (even the bad) memories dear. It's as though he will never leave her heart,,,,she can't really remember a time when she felt he was truely happy, she can't remember one single moment of security that there was even the slightest belief that there was a future happy life with him and she is now free to experience happy things she would have never been able to with him... he still he has a huge piece of her heart in a way that is not romantic,, but deeply caring, and if she could she would still "save" him from any pain, and GLADLY be happy he is still in his BETTER PLACE, GONE IS GOOD.

but IS IT GOOD THAT SHE STILL FEELS LIKE SHE WOULD DO ANYTHING TO SAVE HIM? that still seems crazy does it stop?



-- Edited by glad on Sunday 20th of May 2012 11:16:41 AM

__________________
Pushka


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 3870
Date:
Permalink  

Hugs,

No glad I don't think that feeling every stops because these people will always have a piece of our hearts. I think that's ok. At least it is for me .. something that I've learned is I don't believe I "wasted" 16 years of my life. Now .. there are parts I would gladly trade and then there are parts I can't trade because I wouldn't have specific things such as my kids.

I have recently said to my AH as I was accused of wanting him only for the check he brings in .. well, maybe there is a little truth to that .. the money means I can keep a roof over the kids and my head at the moment, food on the table, as I look to what classes I can take this summer as well as classes I can take this next fall. At some point that responsibility will be on me. So yes, that is a relief to have it. You know what and I did tell him this .. I would give it all up. I mean ALL of if up, money, job whatever, if he would get sober and be healthy, mentally, spiritually, physically and emotionally. Not that we would be together .. that he would be sober, suit up and show up for the kids, have compassion for my situation at the moment. I would gladly give it all up so he could get well. He is so not and continues not to be, I feel sorry for him. He is missing out on many different levels. I can now see it's not my job to save him. Those are all choices that are up to him.

Anyway, I think it's normal to care for someone who has been a significant part of our lives and want them to be well. I think that is part of a compassionate human being make up to want those we care about to be well and want to help if it is possible to. We can no longer loose ourselves to if they get well or not.

Hugs P :)

__________________

Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
pinkchip


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 5663
Date:
Permalink  

This sounds similar to my feelings about my ex that I also spent 7 years with. I wish the best for him and hold him dear to my heart, but he has to live with his messed up life choices now - not me.

__________________
Debilyn


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 3653
Date:
Permalink  

This was beautifully written.

I am thinking it seems more like you are his very, very best friend. I got to the place I had tried it all. Faced I cannot do anything else. Would if I could, but because of Al Anon skills, I know its not possible.

I alway have a placed tucked inside for my ex AH. I still want to go over there just to look at him. Just to check. I want nothing from him. Want to see him before I see him cold.

You love so purely sweetie. thank you ever so much for sharing.

love,debilyn



__________________

Putting HP first, always  <(*@*)>

"It's not so much being loved for ourselves, but more for being loved in spite of ourselves."

       http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/meetings/meeting.html            Or call: 1-888-4alanon
alexmaui


Veteran Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 95
Date:
Permalink  

I thought I was "detaching with love" so I checked up on my ex. Just to make sure he was still alive, or whether he was drunk or sober. If he was sober we would go out eat ice cream, take a walk, see
a movie and I would think "now he will see that life is good and he will try to get better".

I did this even after being in Al-Anon for a year. I thought -well i have my boundaries-I wont see him when he's drunk..Today, I suddenly realized that I wasn't working the program at all. I was fooling myself and still waiting for him to change.
I went back to basics spent the day reading the literature and calling people from the meeting. Small steps..

Progress Not Perfection, right?



__________________
glad lee


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 1235
Date:
Permalink  

Hey glad, I understand. I used to fear that he was going to get well in his next relationship. Why was that such a fear? All I can say is I spent years trying to figure out how to string the right words together for him to "get it," and to be his savior. I truly believed it was in my power, and often exerted myself, trying to force solutions. I wanted what I wanted. In recovery, I learned that was just a sign of my spiritual immaturity. I have since been working hard, very hard, to be a lover of what is. Arguing with reality just puts me in the god position again. My sponsor is always telling me, "you're telling yourself a story again." lol, my thinking problem in a nutshell.

 His recovery, or lack of it, is not my business...  it's either his business or god's business but it certainly isn't  my business.  And it never was.  What is my business is to practice my program as best I can, staying in this present moment with trust that the universe is unfolding just as it should. The universe loves and supports me.   And the more I focus on gratitude for that, the more I can release him.  I am my life's work, that is enough.  That is all I am responsible for.

How much better can it get?  I think just to the extent that we let go and let God. My serenity is in direct proportion to my level of acceptance  ((hugs))


 



-- Edited by glad lee on Monday 21st of May 2012 02:12:56 PM

__________________

The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
glad


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 687
Date:
Permalink  

Came on here and looked up old post because it dawned on me that I really do have a different, happy regular life now... I no longer have that turning in my gut.. the constant pain that comes with allowing the Alcoholic room in my mind or heart... 

About two years ago I think....

I literally felt like it was death or improvement so I forced myself out of bed and tried all I knew to do: replace bad memories with new good ones...and trusting my higher power to show me how.

Each time ANYTHING about him crossed my mind I pictured a huge broom sweeping the slightest thought of him from my mind, I gritted me teeth and tried to stick to this no thinking of him plan, no matter what.

I listened to only Christian or classical or big band type music and avoided any "romantic" stuff as much as possible for a long while...sometimes I couldn't listen to music at all!

I worked out, read and forcefully filled my mind with facts or new information ( because it was like force feeding someone who didn't want to eat this was often hard) I cried during yoga, no one really minded, I cried during bible study at church, the roof didn't fall in, but when my body cried I still didn't allow my mind to obsess about anything.. for a while I forced myself to move on,,, no matter what my emotions were doing..  I cried at a few Alanon meetings .  I did not put All my recovery hopes in Alanon alone, I new I needed to find some other "helps" too!!

I forced myself to take small steps to rebuild bad family relationships, I stopped by to say hello to family members and smiled and tried to look normal, even if I could only do this for a minute, even if they didn't seem to buy into my "change" I just kept putting one foot before the other, working on normal as much as I could ( I stopped calling him "my" anything, not my ex, not my A not MY anything) ... I eventually stopped talking about him at all to anyone ... I forced myself to MOVE ON, sometimes I "faked it till I made it" .

I was blessed to have the help of a group of ladies from my Church!!

Some friends from alanon helped at times some respected my need for space too. ( the ones who were still working to stay in their troubled relationships didn't fit with what I knew I had to do for me in order to survive) at one point I couldn't even come here and post or read litature... I just needed to not think one single thing about alcoholism for a bit, I needed a detox for a bit.

Forcing myself to improve my self and my family relationships no matter how it felt uncomfortable or how minimal the improvements seemed at the time was very helpful.

Replacing bad old memories with new happy ones seemed to be the best medicine for me.

I can honestly say I am not the same person I was and I can't believe how different it is to live life not obsessed with any other person.. I'm not "fixed" or perfect but I do feel much more like I'm walking in sunshine, most of the time!

Love and happy holidays... to all!



-- Edited by glad on Friday 13th of December 2013 09:01:02 AM

__________________
Page 1 of 1  sorted by
 
Quick Reply

Please log in to post quick replies.
Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> ehh,, it definatly gets better, I wonder how much better???