My daughter - Al-Anon Family Group

LeahC · Member

My daughter

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

Hugs. I think the fact is: it is what it is. She is trying to figure out her world and no doubt wonder why he comes and goes so much, or whatever. But even though many situations are less than ideal, children are adaptable. You don't have to manipulate the situation so he spends more time with her -- in fact you can't manipulate the situation so he is a more responsible and attentive parent, because we can't control anyone but ourselves. (Sadly! smile )

In my experience children have a lot of insight and they know what's up. Not at the age of two, but as they grow. They will need some explaining about what alcoholism is and why it doesn't mean that they're unlovable or doing something wrong. But it's fruitless to try to hide the fact that something is "off." They will notice, but they'll just think that it means that "off" things must never ever be talked about. Which causes its own problems.

But that's down the line. I'm afraid it's too late to keep your daughter from having an uninvolved father. But the good news is that the other things in her life can make all the difference. How you speak about him, how you react to her confusion, how you relate to him, how you run your life -- those will all be very important.

I hope you have meetings and a sponsor? There are many good ways to move forward. Support is so important.

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

oh Leah I am so sad for you all. This is exactly what makes me cringe when I hear someone wanting to have kids with an A.

Want to make it clear I feel sad for all involved, the A too!

I let my kids and their dads figure it out. I never put him down or anything. For a two year old its as simple as Daddy went bye bye, maybe then just give her some pans to play with or something....redirect.

Redirecting is such a neat tool with kids. They are so curious and easily led to something better to think about.

I am sure your A knows, but the disease does not care. The disease is taking him away. We cannot control that so you are showing HUGE progress by not even giving it any attention. no arguing, no nothing.

You are so right how it will suck the life out of us. Not unlike when we have someone in the hospital for a week and we are taking care of them. THAT is freaking exausting and here we are living with that level of a disease!!!

You are doing the right thing being the best mom you can.

It is my experience to not depend on the A. Since you are fairly young in your relationship, for me I had my own money, my own car in my name, never signed anything with him, got him off my house deed, I treated it like all I did was love him. I expected nothing.

They are very sick people.

Good for you on boundaries too. For me to remind myself that what he chooses to do is none of my business. What is my business is deciding if I want to live with the person he is. We cannot change them to be what or who we want.

I loved your post. Showed such great progress. I hope to see you more.

love,debilyn

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Aloha Leah...I remember increasing my participation with my children when the addict wife was always gone. She was gone and I was there and the kids and I combined our lives as best we could at that time. Doing the best you can with what you have is doing your best. Him not being there for you means (in program) that you self focus and self love. Find the Al-Anon Family groups in your area and strike up some relationships. I've never regretted that. Keep coming back here also. In support. ((((hugs)))) smile

LeahC · Member

Thank you for all your responses. It's very comforting and insightful.

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