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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> My story
Post Info TOPIC: My story
glad lee


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My story
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Welcome to MIP, I am so glad you can use this board as a good supplement to your meetings, for me, I needed lots and lots of support.

I don't know for certain if my AH had cheated on me, I suspected it because there were plenty of lies. My AH and I are divorced for this reason, it was simply not an equal partnership any longer, the trust was gone, it was not a "marriage" and I realized I didn't have the power to hold it together on my own. It takes two to have a relationship. I had prayed and prayed for God to keep us together... yep, I prayed for a specific outcome. In recovery, I learned to leave outcomes to God. So I just kept it simple, just started praying for peace and serenity in my life and left it to Higher power to work it out....

And it happened, it happened when I let go of my resistance, when I let go and let God  (I kept heavy focus on steps 1-3 at this time.) It didn't happen the way I wanted it to, it was very hard to go through a divorce after 26 years together.  But today I do have peace in my life.

You can still love an alcoholic, I still love my ex-husband. But I don't have to sacrifice my life today, I can love him from a distance. I don't know if it's so much about abandoning anyone else as much as abandoning MYSELF and my dreams, that stuff is spiritual and MY responsibility. I totally lost myself and sacrificed myself in marriage, I had become very sick too. Today, I try to just live in reality, just accept life as is.

For me, it's not about regrets or "lost time," it took me as long as it took me to stop playing god and demanding that this thing work out MY way. It took time for me to Let go. And let God. (it's two parts, haha) I did the best I could, I met God when I was ready, when I was completely broken.  My divorce was about surrender and meeting reality with love.  And I have that option every single day, with whatever situation is in front of me. 

Ramble on, my friend. Get all the poison out so you can feel better.



-- Edited by glad lee on Saturday 19th of May 2012 01:41:44 PM

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Country Boy


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My father was an alcoholic. Never abused us kids, just drank, passed out & wasn't part of our lives because of this. He went into treatment & was sober for over 25 years before he passed. I had pretty much come to terms with all of this until I married an A.

I have been with my AW for about 15 years, during the last 5-7 I have noticed her drinking was a problem. She is the same kind of drunk as my father was. Just pass out & check out. I went down the whole codie road at 100mph. Finally I wore out. My life had become unmanagable. I found Alanon & it saved my sanity. I have been using it's tools & has helped me so much I can't even effectively put it into words. But, AW is getting worse & worse. She is lying, drinking more & I have some pretty damning evidence she is cheating. I know it is not the woman I married making these decisions but this F@#%ing disease! I had just started to get my mind around holding strong to hopefully get her some help. I know I can't make her, but to follow  the advice of the program & it's members.

I'm not sure if I can/want to be married to her any longer. I feel like I've been through this once & was prepared to go through it again, but the lying & infidelity I think are too much. I know I can make it through & maybe save our marriage but at what cost to me? I feel I have given this disease enough of my life, don't I deserve to be happy without having to be happy in spite of alcoholism? Even if she goes into recovery I know I will have moments where the triggers will get me to wondering if she has relapsed. I know I'll be able to deal with them but again at what cost to me?

I feel like this is the point in our marriage where it is make it or break it. It is absolutely the hardest decision I have ever had to make. there has not been love in our marriage in soooo long & I have been alone even though she is physically there. I don't want to abandon her. I care for her a great deal & would love to see her find sobriety. But it is also killing my soul & spirit. Working the program has helped but.......

A lot of thoughts here. Some make sense, some don't. Some I'm working on, some I don't know how to work on. Writing it out seems to help sometimes so here it is. I'll get through it & come out stronger, right HP?

Thank you for being here & letting me ramble.



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pinkchip


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All of your thoughts make sense. It will take time and spiritual reflection within your alanon program to figure out what you are going to do. I guess you are really going to have to pray on it.

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Jerry F


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Aloha Country Boy and welcome to the board.  That is exactly part of my story...Al-Anon included.  I came to set boundaries for myself and followed thru on them.  I didn't have a wife I had an alcoholic/addict who would not and could not participate in recovery.  Infidelity is a contact breaker it is a value system violator.  It is evidence of no commitment.  I ran up against my boundary and didn't cross over. I use to attempt to fix the unfixable.  I don't do that any longer and have the permission, skills, tools, reasons and justifications to let them go away broken.  My real relationship is vertical then self focused and then with others as I am allowed to.  Alcoholism and addict doesn't allow you to have a mutual relationship.  The consequences of it are either sobiety/serenity; insanity or death.

Welcome to the board...let us support you thru this and your efforts and plans to reach and maintain your serenity.

((((hugs)))) smile



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orchidlover


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the ex A who was with for 7 years was a liar too.  He wasn't unfaithful per se but his friends came first and I came last.  I had the whole boat with being last on every occasion even my birthday.

I went through years of indignities and betrayal. I'm not going through them anymore.   I left.  I have to say it got to either I left or I went down with him. By the time I left he was bankrupt spritually and more.  He'd been there before, been to jail and everything and I glossed over that.  There were many many red flags for me, many boundaries were crossed.

By the end there was no mutuality there was a mutual hatred and dependency that didn't constitute a relationship.

I've spent 5 years recovering from that hell.  I may never rebuild my life to what it was when I met the ex A.  I know I had to go.

Maresie.



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orchid lover
Debilyn


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I think if you read your post and pretend it is someone else you will have an answer.

It sounds like you have made the choice, but still hanging on to threads.

So what do you get out of the marriage? What would make you want to stay?

The thing is she is very sick. And you are right, she could go into recovery but relapse is always a possibilty.

For me it all became way too much. I would have him leave when he really blew it, it would tear me up,then I would go get him and bring him home. I gleaned all the time I could with him, then out he would go again. (he was physically abusive from brain damage)

It got where one day he hurt me physically, I didn't get himout in time. that was it. I had to have him stay away. I made the ultimate decission.

I was ready by that time. NO it was not ez. Took years and Al anon skills to get me where I am today. MIP honestly saved me. The people here kept me going.

Now my friend I met here, now my best friend in La. hung in cuz they had two kids. He was where you are. He told her she was going to have to leave. She got herself into rehab, AA and is in recovery,even works at a rehab place.

He said he is back in love with her! huge smile here.

But as he says, she is still A, still not like the woman he married.

One kid bonded with her again, the other has not.

Anyway only you know if you are ready. I guess I have seen so many sit down with their A and tell them it is over, "I don't blame you as you have a disease, but I cannot live with that,nor can I make you go into recovery. " Being honest is best.

Now for me the infidelity I found out about  I knew I was free scripturally. plus I will not tolerate that. I got a divorce. hurt like holy heck. ugh honestly almost killed me. horrible.

Please keep coming and letting this stuff out. It will help you make decisions. I believe in honesty with people. So to catch your A in a sorta sober time, and letting her know where you are at, is probably vital. My experience.

sending you strength, debilyn



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Putting HP first, always  <(*@*)>

"It's not so much being loved for ourselves, but more for being loved in spite of ourselves."

       http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/meetings/meeting.html            Or call: 1-888-4alanon
Country Boy


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Thank you all. I am getting a lot out of this. I guess what is REALLY holding me back is the feeling that I haven't done enough. I know I can't/shouldn't make her do anything but I feel I am only starting MY recovery & thus have been focusing almost everything on getting myself better. I know I'm no good to her or anyone without getting myself better.
I feel like if I was further along maybe she could see that it works. We had so many years where I did so many things wrong & feel I really haven't had much of a chance to do it the right way. I would hate to give up on her too early. She is away for a few days so I will continue to reflect on this & then see where she's at when she gets back. I think it will give me a little more clarity after that. Until recently I couldn't get past the thought of leaving her, my sponsor showed a different point of view so I am examining both sides now instead of being hung up on one option. I feel like I don't have to force it & let it come to me as a choice instead of the only way out. Thank you all, you are helping me.

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nmike


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Welcome to MIP! Your story is our story. I thought my AHSober and I had a relationship for over 30 years. It was all the disease. We are separated because that is what he wanted. I think that it was about power and control - that feeds the disease. I still love him with all my heart but I get nothing back. Our obligation is to not feed the disease but to take care of ourselves. Hard I know. All the best.

Nancy

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david62


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Hi Country Boy,

My story with my alcholic ex-wife is very similiar to yours.  How long have you been coming to Al-Anon?  It is great that you have a sponsor and are working with him/her. 

Focusing on yourself is a great place to start making the decision of what to do.  While I was doing that my then wife made the choice to leave our marriage, a decision I was at that time incapable of making myself.  I choose to believe God stepped in and did what I could not do for myself.

Keep coming back....and keep working with that sponsor!! 

It all gets better.

Yours in Recovery,

David



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