The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My AH has quit drinking for almost 3 years. In that time his behaviour has gone from bad to worse. I've been trying to analyze - somewhat to my own detriment - what is causing this. His sobriety is killing our marriage. He was once easygoing, fun, caring, inquisitive but has seen become abrasive, suspicious, accusatory and down right verbally nasty. He drank for nearly 15 years before stopping all on his own and I wonder if anyone else's has experienced a spouse's behaviour changes like his or would know of a good book to help me stop trying to help him become the man he use to be.
You did not mention if your AH is in a program of recovery such as AA. Something I have come to discover is that drinking is merely the tip of the iceberg as far as symptoms of the real issue at hand. So image that a little tip of an iceberg can be seen and how big the other issues are which are emotional, coping, how to deal with life on life's terms kind of stuff and the size underneath. That little iceberg can take down the titanic because of what's below the surface.
I have found a great deal of comfort in the AA lit, such as The 12 Steps and 12 Traditions. Understanding better that side that I really don't know, at least I get what someone who is working a program of recovery looks like and I know that they struggle with distorted thinking just like I do. It helps me have compassion and be able to detach.
Anyway, hope that helps and hope you will keep coming back,
Hugs P :)
__________________
Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Welcome. I'm sure you will get lots of information as you continue to ask questions.
It is helpful to remember that when a person starts drinking, often at the teen years he or she drinks to also 'cope' with life, as they grow.
My husband started drinking at 15, and more when he left home....so that the maturity....clear thinking and rational responsibility would not have matured the same way as another person who was not having their brain affected by the drug of alcohol.
When he married at 28 he was drinking a lot and it got a lot worse as I 'enabled' him and protected him from the consequences of his drinking.
When he stopped with the help of an AA program it took years of maturity for him to find enjoyment in other activities and to take responsibility for his behaviour.
Plus years for me in Al-Anon to find a way to live my own life while staying married.
Aloha Audhead...welcome to the board. I'm in support for what Too Hard suggested because that is my experience also. He's dry and not sober. Al-Anon and AA are 12 step programs and they work because we support each other in recovery. He doesn't have the support and doesn't have the information that with the help of a power greater than ourselves we get restored to sanity. Too Hard says she found the sanity and so did I. Only one of the consequences of unarrested alcoholism is insanity...the other is death. Keep coming back and look for the hotline number for Al-Anon in your area in the white pages of your local telephone book. Call that number and find out where and when we get together in your area on a weekly basis and more. Some will suggest 6 meetings in a row to decide if the program is for you. For me the suggestion was 90 meetings in 90 days...however it happens that is how it works...I did the 90+ a long time ago. Keep coming back and let us know how things come out for you...we're insupport.
Well, my AH was an alcoholic when we met and he quit drinking before we married. He was sober for 15 years and I remember thinking, right before I married him that 'maybe I'm making a mistake, who is this guy?' My AH was dry and not truly sober because he wasn't working a recovery program. He started drinking again 2 years ago and he actually got a bit nicer, more compliant, less aggressive, etc and I didn't realize he was drinking and hiding it. Now, he's dry again because he got a DUI a few months ago and has sworn off alcohol forever(which is a crock because he still has a hidden stash of liquor) and he is angry, aggressive, condescending, etc and I'm at my wit's end. I can totally relate and I suggest you try an Al Anon meeting in your area. I honestly believe it will save your sanity!
After drinking for 15 years my husband stopped on his own. I came home one day and he scared not just himself but our grown kids and me. One minute he'd be crying (never cries) one minute he's joking around. I finally got him to lay down and sleep it off. Ever since then he hasn't drank. He has ADHD and after being off of alcohol he saw the family doctor and started taking Ritalin. I plan on attending Al-Anon next Tuesday. When I spoke with an RN she said that depending on how long he'd been drinking and the amount he might have done some serious damage to his liver and that could cause his thinking patterns to adjust. I'm hoping to better understand why he seems to have control issues. In the 29 years we've been married it's just the last 3 years that he's changed so dramaticly. He didn't drink until we were married about 10 or 11 years. So for about 15 years he's abused alcohol. It started out just weekends then a couple of beers after work to 6 packs and chasers. His drinking would ruin trips and social events but he was very functional and no real behviour changes.
"His drinking would ruin trips and social events but he was very functional and no real behviour changes."
I want to say right here that this statement, ... please reread that and really look at what you wrote.
His drinking would ruin trips and social events but he was very functional and no real behavior changes.
That is not normal behavior, .. functional is a relative term as well as alcoholism is a progressive disease. Maybe he's been functional however it doesn't mean he will stay that way because it always gets worse as long as the drinking continues.
I would say if he's been ruining trips and social events his behavior is not normal.
Just think about that part of things .. because our lives revolve around what has become to the "new" normal for us.
In tremendous support, hugs P :)
__________________
Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Yes, rereading those lines made me realize that I accepted his behaviour. I hate conflict (as if anyone does) and usually try to make everyone happy. That is until now. I think that's why I need at least to be able to vent because the frustration builds and builds and builds until I say or do something I regret. Definitely trying out a meeting next week. Thank you for your opening my eyes.
