The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I came across this web site and am in desperate hope that I can get something out of it,
My husband, whom I have known for many years( and even married twice) has a alcohol problem, and has for many years, although it's not the every day type, no it's more when he is stressed, and feels like "letting it all out" and once he has one then he can't stop there.. we have 2 children together, both are in there teens and twenties, and I have a child that for all intent purposes, is his. (we got back together when the child was 2)Anyway, time after time again, I threaten to leave, and the part that most bothers me is that my husband continues to drink and drive. I have called the police and he has had 3 arrests and it always seems to be more of a birden on me when the authorities have something to do with it.I know how cleche it sounds but I am just so darn frustrated and tired of his actions. In the middle of his last dui, (which would have been time #4), he has drank 4 more times before we knew that the outcome of what would have been the 4th was dropped because of lack of evidence. on one hand I am greatful, but on the other I am just pissed that there was no consequenes.
so bottom line is I am going to try and educate myself the best way I can to help deal with things and realize that I am not the one making bad decisions and that my husband can use every excuse in the world, but it's all on him.
Have you made it to a face to face alanon meeting yet? I hope you will consider going if you have not. These boards are wonderful and have been a life saver for me the reality is that this is a tool and it is different than a face to face meeting. There is something about hearing the stories and seeing the faces it makes all of the difference in the world.
I understand how angry you are about the DUI situation, my AH is on DUI #3 and it's very scary, crazy making as well as expensive, both emotionally as well as on the marriage. We are no longer together. I also have a similar situation that my AH doesn't drink daily. Suffice to say at some point his drinking will become every day as alcoholism is a progressive disease and until he is ready to deal with it he is going to continue to get what he has gotten.
Alanon is a program about you. It's not about what to do to fix the alcoholic; we did not choose our spouses by accident. I'm so grateful for the program because I only known I want to do something different. I no longer want to continue doing what I am doing. I also want to heal, mentally, physically, emotionally and spiritually. Before I came to the program I could tell you what my AH liked and didn't like, what he would do or not do, however through alanon I'm finding out what I like.
There are so many wonderful people on this board and I truly hope you will keep coming back because you are worth the effort and time to put into yourself.
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Hello tired and welcome to the message board. You have taken the first step toward your own recovery. Gradually we come to take care of ourselves and focus on our own lives even if we love an alcoholic and even if we live with one. Al-anon is a fantastic program and gives us the tools we need to get our lives from total chaos to managability. It has saved my life and I hope you find the love and support that I have found since joining. Sending hugs your way....Tigger x
Welcome to al anon. As someone who personally went through hell around the now ex A's drinking and driving I am very sympathetic.
Al anon can help you a lot. I don't know that any of the program will "make" your husband get sober. What it will do will give you tools to not be so overwhelmed. I know that seems impossible but it is the reallity for me and so many other people. No one here is going to tell you what to do, judge you or label you. That alone is worth a lot. Give this board a chance, try a meeting. Look for ways to increase "support" in your life.
Thank you so much for all the replies and support. I have gone to a few of the local meetings, and really didn't feel comfortable. I live in such a small town that there are very few people that attend. I am exhausted and besides finding this site, have also began therapy for myself. Unsure what or how I feel, I am in the phase of trying to make sure my AH doesn't go off the deep end and am complicating my life by trying to prevent him from creating "my drama" and as crazy as that sounds it is if I have a hard time going out of town to see my folks because I know what will happen if I am not here to babysit... Trying to make sense of what I can do FOR ME. I am and always have been a housewife, with little to no education and work a little on the side as a caregiver for the elderly. So I feel that I am limited since he is the breadwinner of the family. With that being said, my folks would and have always been a great support and resource, but I really need to give up the fact that I am not taking care of myself and doing more education, because like a mother and wife, I always put everyone else first!!!! The excuses I get from my AH is that I am always cranky and never happy and I think that that's the most difficult thing for me to realize, is that he is just making excuses... Nothing is going to make my husband sober, except himself!! That I do understand!
There are some really great books out there .. the one that really opened my eyes was Melody Beattie, Co Dependent No More, .. the other one is Getting Them Sober, Toby Rice Drew (Toby Drew Rice, .. lol I always mess that up!).
I'm also from a smaller town and some of the options are going to meetings outside of the area .. based upon how small the town is and how far the larger town is. I know it is difficult to try and open up in situations like that .. the other option you have is going to open AA meetings. Those have made a BIG difference in my life. I am grateful that there are open meetings I can go to and people there have opened their lives and arms to me.
There will always be something in the way of getting sober until it is their idea to get help. All I can say is keep coming back here for you .. you are very important and have a right to be healthy.
Hugs P :)
__________________
Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
