Facts vs. Feelings - Al-Anon Family Group

stephaniej · Senior Member

Facts vs. Feelings

Bargee · Veteran Member

Hi stephanie,

Reading your post was quite enlightening for me.
I too probably let my feelings control much of my reactions and life. Many of your facts/feelings are very similar to mine.
I am going to be going to my Alanon meeting very soon and I'm really nervous about it, but when I read posts like your's,
it gives me the courage to go. So thank you for posting your thoughts.

Dolly Llama · Senior Member

When I was with my AH, my feeling were something like- I'm stuck and there is no escape. I'm a horrible wife for giving up on him. He is a horrible excuse for a human being.

These were my feelings, none of them true. Sometimes our feelings are indicators of the facts...such as, if you (and I mean the general "you" not any "you" in particular!) feel unloved and disrespected in a relationship, well then something is not right or healthy. And that needs your attention.

To say "I feel unloved and hurt but then again, feelings are not facts" could perpetuate the cycle of abuse. Just something to keep in mind.

I took the "facts are not feelings" message to mean that...the things I tell myself, I don't have to believe. That phrase takes the burden of judgement away from me. I may feel hopeless, but I am not hopeless. I am not stuck. I am not a horrible wife. My AH is a fallible human who makes mistakes just like all of us.

Sometimes I also jumped to emotional conclusions and the "facts are not feelings" helped me out here, too. Friend Sally didn't call like she promised, well, then I feel she hates me or doesn't want to be friends anymore; maybe she heard about my divorce and is judging me...or whatever I would have felt at my perception of rejection. With "facts are not feelings" I could slow down, have a chuckle at myself (Sally probably just got busy), and understand that just because I feel something doesn't make it true.

-- Edited by Dolly Llama on Thursday 17th of May 2012 02:22:53 PM

ilovedogs · ~*Service Worker*~

Well, I know I let my feelings run my life. It's something I really have to work on. Thank you for sharing!!

stephaniej · Senior Member

I absolutely agree that our feelings are very strong indicators of an unhealthy relationship...my issue in the past that I have focused entirely on my feelings, with little attention to the facts. And when one is not attuned to the facts, it is VERY hard to make any sort of practical, meaningful change. I just sat around and felt sorry for myself all the time. NOT the way one finds recovery. :)

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

Stephanie, I can't tell you what to do, but those stated "facts" you listed have all been relationship deal breakers for me in the past. What has changed with me is that they are no longer things I mourn, ponder, wish would change, or pray and hope will change. They are red flags and I won't tolerate them in a relationship. This is why I have my own relationship rules now cuz I just got so done with repeating the same cycle.

1. I will not date an alcoholic or addict (I even had to make a rule about sober ones cuz they have too many of the same issues as me LOL)
2. My partner and I always make time for intimacy
3. We must share in household tasks and finances equally as much as possible.
4. We must both respect and care for our bodies.

These are just some of the things that I talk to my current partner about. Thankfully, and wonderfully, he's in agreement with these values and for the first time in my life I am not annoyed as crap that someone else doesn't share my values and doesn't do things the way I want. More so, I'm most relieved that I don't have to try and make someone something they are not AND that I don't have to change me to be what they want. Being at peace with this allows me to put my energy into things that actually might change or might make my life better (doing a better job at work, being more considerate at home, enjoying my pets more, exercising....an all over more positive focus). I don't know how this will all play out for you, but you have my support while you are clearly growing stronger, getting a better connection with your HP, and figuring things out. It's not gonna be easy but if you stick with the program, you will come out way better than you imagined.

Mark

AStrongerMe · ~*Service Worker*~

This is something that I'm glad you shared because I know it on one level but often end up ignoring it. What I also find is that there is a place we can get where we allow our feelings to be OK and we use them to make changes. I spent many years with the same feelings you have, and I decided I needed it to change.

Right now I've got feelings/facts dealing with one of my kiddos. FACT: he has mental illness and some days come close to needing police help. FEELINGS: I am so worn out and burned out from being sad at watching my child ripped apart by "crazy thinking".

Change? I dont' know. We've already been working on changing his medications but now we are talking about sending him to a great Aunt about 7 hours away so that the family can get a breather. Mental Illness is a lot like alcoholism, it consumes the entire family. But I do know something has to change.

The good news is I can also use this. "I do not have to make any big decisions right now". And I've been using that as I think through possibilities and options.

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Stephanie

I like how you listed the facts and then your feelings It gave me a a very detached view of your situation. I think it would be helpful if you would detach with love(for yourself) and look objectively at the facts Then ask yourself if this relationship is benefiting you in any manner and what you are getting out of continuing it Then you would have a clear picture

Good luck.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.