Family planing with a newly recovering addict... - Al-Anon Family Group

Temple · ~*Service Worker*~

Family planing with a newly recovering addict...

bdl978 · Newbie

Hello. New to the board and I have a question about family planning, control and the addict. a little back story...

My wife is an anorexic/bulemic/alcoholic. she began outpatient treatment last July after hitting bottom with a legal incident that also involved our then 18 month old daughter. at the time we were foolishly (in hindsight) trying to get pregnant. She had five months of sobriety (from alcohol not her ED) when she first relapsed in December/January. After that she did some hospital treatment for ED in addition to her outpatient treatment for alchol, but has had several slips since then. more recently her slips have been minor and she has been contacting her sponsor immediately. I think her commitment to AA is growing but she still has a long way to go.

she has decided that she is now ready to start trying again, but I am not sure she is ready. she is convinced that pregnancy will help her recovery as she immediately stopped drinking and acting out with ED when she found out she was pregnant with our first child. however, post partum was when things really went downhill.

I have tried discussing with her that I would like her to have more recovery before we start trying, but I don't really know how to define what I expect to see. additionally, she has pointed out that this may be me trying to control her recovery, and I am concerned that I may be doing this a little, but I am very confused. I don't really fear her drinking or acting out during the pregnancy, but I am concerned about it distracting her from recovery work and having a serious backslide post partum again.

I know there is nothing I can do to control that outcome, but I do have the responsibility to myself and my family to do what I think is right in this situation. the problem is, I am not sure what the right answer is.

I guess I am just looking to hear from people who may have been in a similar situation.

thanks.

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Aloha bdl...welcome to the board...the only thing I can and will suggest to you is go to the white pages of your local telephone book and look up the hotline number for Al-Anon. Call that number and get the places and times we meet in your area and get to the first meeting available. Get into the meeting and sit down and listen. After the meeting talk to others and get to the literature table. Mostly they will already have given you a new comers packet...read it all and get their meeting schedule of meetings during the week. Then keep going back.

My exspouse is an alcoholic/addict...Al-Anon saved my life and allowed her the freedom to seek her own recovery.

This is what I did. This is what worked for me. Keep coming back. ((((hugs)))) smile

bdl978 · Newbie

Thanks. I actually have a home group and attend 2 meetings per week.

Jadie · Veteran Member

Hi.......welcome to MIP. Glad your wife is working on her recovery.

Im reading a lot in your share about what she wants......

What do YOU want?

Has she spoken to her sponsor about this, I know its recommended in AA not to make any changes in the 1^st year of sobriety.

Big Red Flag to me is she says you may be trying to control her recovery........hmmmmnnnnnn?

Pregnancy may stop her drinking for its duration, but the disease will still be there, pregnancy is not a cure.

Face to face Al-anon meetings will offer you ongoing support, is this something you have available to you?

In support

Jadie

bdl978 · Newbie

I want another child, with her, and soon. I just want it to be under the right circumstances. I am fully aware that her comment about me trying to control her recovery is manipulative, but there may be some truth to it. she has talked to her sponsor and her therapist about it, and they recommend her waiting, but no specific amount of time. I think this idea is really difficult for both of us for several reasons...

1. we don't want our kids to be too far apart in age.
2. she has PCOS and is almost 30, the longer we wait, the harder it may become.
3. if we can't get pregnant again, adoption is unlikely because of her alchohol related legal problems

in addition to this her addiction/ ED is significantly fueled by guilt and self hate/ self esteem issues. she see's me as controlling the situation unfairly and making her feel guilty about things that have happened in the past. I know that is not my intention, but I may be trying to control the outcome of her recovery by saying things like if you surrender to the AA process and really make that commitment then we can have a baby. this is all made worse by the fact that everyone around her is having babies.

I realize that even having this conversation probably gives me a pretty good answer to the question, but how can I know when it is right? do I have to just go with my gut? also, I do have a home group and go to face to face meeting twice a week.

katfshh · Senior Member

30 is still very young. You aren't even considered Advanced Maternal Age until 35, and very many people have babies into their 40's. Usually after having PCOS followed by a pregnancy, it can be easier to concieve a subsequent pregnancy. The ED is a big deal when it comes to pregnancy. That fetus needs a healthy mom, physically. Aside from what she wants and what you want, what and when would be the best time to have another baby? I think if you think of nothing else, really weigh the facts involved from the baby's perspective and go from there. Not telling you what to do, but trying to reassure you that taking some time isn't as big of a deal as you might feel it is. My younger sister and I are 12 years apart and are very close.

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

well this is a new one on me, using a child to help someones recovery????

This is definitely not an idea from a sane person! You are very wise not to believe this is wise!

We all know having a child is NOT going to help a marriage either. Plus if this is to help her recovery, why is it not helping her as she already has a child???

Sounds like manipulation in some way to me.

Plus addiction is a disease, it is also genetic. She will always be A. You said you could not adopt becuz of legal problems from her addiction, so to me this is a red flag to have more kids!

Also to not be concerned about her drinking during her pregnancy is a HUGE red flag. She is an addict, she does not even know what she will do! She has a very insidious disease, does not matter that during her first pg time she may have not used.

You said yourself she has a long ways to go in AA.

Addiction is a progressive disease. It does not get better. She may go into recovery for a long time or not. But the chances of relapse are HUGE. Her being A is going to be hard enough with one child. Plus babies do not stay babies! I have seen it sooo many times where mom relapses and is a drunk and the kids suffer so so so much.

There is no such thing as a slip. She is not in recovery at all. She is still using. She may not be drinking all the time, but she is in relapse, no question.Then she says she is ready now???

I am so sad you are in this situation. Let me tell you, your wanting another child is natural, but who are you putting first? Do you really want to bring another child into this? Believe me it is one of the most horrible things on kids to have an A parent. It is almost impossible for her to be the kind of mother a child needs. They usually cannot even keep a plant alive.

I am sure you are a strong parent. You guys are young too. The reality of this horrible disease takes YEARS for us to really accept and understand. She has NO idea what ready is.

I hate to be so blunt. In your position, I would step back from her recovery, her sponsor any of it. It is none of our business. Her disease is her own. I would say to my husband, hon that is your thing. I just love you.

They need to be 100% taking care of their own disease. Whether they slip or whatever, its all their stuff.

Rereading your post I know you already know the answer. We cannot always have what we want. Our spouse comes up with an illness, or dies or leaves us. We have no control. Already yours has a very powerful disease that needs a lot of her attention and her recovery has to be number ONE. Does not work well when you have kids. Spouses are adults and can learn al anon skills, kids do not understand addiction. All they know is they have needs that need to be met and most A's just cannot do that.

Keep coming. I agree read on the board about others with kids.

plus just was thinking, she is already relapsing when she has a child!

I do feel for you and her. sending you love,debilyn

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

geez I just realized what ED is. I was starting my premed, have taken extensive classes and have lots of experience with this disorder.

This is another big big red flag.

My wish for her is to focus on herself. She already has a child, so this won't be easy. She is not well, not ready. Seriously would like to see a person who wants to have another child happy, healthy, strong in their recovery for many years, not using even once.

A strong recovery person usually won't even drink juice or take aspirin. NOT all of them, but I have seen strong recovery people who really take it seriously for years. Sadly every single one of them relapsed, many are no longer with us.

you are all in my prayers!! debilyn

Michelle814 · ~*Service Worker*~

I can really relate to this.

Before I found out my husband had relapsed (on drugs) I had gotten pregnant twice and had two miscarriages. This was very hard for me emotionally and physically (there were some medical issues.. but I am okay.)

Just two weeks after my second miscarriage I found out about the drug use and realized the extent of my husband's disease which is alcoholism, addiction.. but those are the symptoms of the spiritual and emotional disease he (and I) have. My life fell apart but lucky for me I started al-anon and therapy and realized that I was not even living at all. I had no idea how full and wonderful life can actually be. I don't actually think it was luck at all that I found al-anon.. I am just happy I was sane and humble enough to keep coming back. I actually think this was all my HP.. but that is another story. This story is about planning for the future.

I was very sad at this point to know I may never have children with my husband.. I may not be able to, one.. but also, who was to say if he would find recovery and ever be a fit father. What I have learned now is that I do not want to have a child right now because I am so intensely growing and learning and discovering who I am. But the other thing I now know is that when I am ready.. if he decides he is ready we will try again. I know what I need to do to maintain my own sanity and health and that is al-anon and my other spiritual aspects and therapy for as long as I need. I know if I continue on my path, if we do get pregnant, even if he relapsed, I could handle it, I would have boundaries set, and I can't say exactly how I would act but I know it would be different than I did last time. I could raise a child on my own if I had to. Someday, if my HP decides this is His will for me.. I will be a mother. I will be happy to see my husband as a father.. but I also know that I can't control him any more than I caused his addiction. I can only be the best Mom I can be, but I can wait.. because right now I am just trying to become the best me that I can be.

I hope you figure it all out.. and in al-anon we do not give advice but I will say this.. what has helped me most about issues like this have been praying for guidance and then turning over the when and how I find the solution to my HP. I am almost 28 and I am so glad I won't be raising a child in an alcoholic home... and that is what we were living in before we both found recovery.

sookie · Senior Member

As someone who was pregnant twice while living with an active alcoholic husband--stepping over his passed out body while hugely pregnant and being terrified of him being alone with our children (especially driving drunk), well...I wouldn't go through it again if I had a choice. I went through a roller coaster over the last 9 years thinking he was better and then not and back and forth and now am stuck deciding if I have we will separate, because he is still not in control of his drinking. It is terrifying sometimes if I let my thinking slip about what the future can be like for my kids...I cannot let my mind go there.

I also wanted another baby at one time--when I came to grips that he was a true alcoholic (because I lived in denial a LONG time)--I grieved the loss of that dream for a long long time. And for a long time, I was bitter--it was one more thing his drinking "stole" from me. I still think about it when I hold a baby, or look at pictures of my angels when they were babies. Because in many ways, I blamed him for actually making me 'miss out' on my kids' lives early on--because I was obsessed with HIS problem instead of focusing all my loving energy on them. I had to control the chaos while nursing, not sleeping through the night for a year, working full time, paying all the bills, cleaning the house, dealing with his binges.

Quite frankly--it sucked. I've had a lot to work on and thank GOD I found Al-Anon to help me heal so I can be a better Mom. Hurray--it works if you work it!

But never ever ever would I want to bring another infant into this family now--I hardly have the mental and emotional energy to keep us glued together now and I am in a program. I cannot fathom running on 2-3 hours of sleep each night again. Ooof. I can't count the number of times I thought, "if I didn't have kids--I would have left him years ago."

But everything is as it should be--we are blessed with two amazing, healthy girls and god knows, they may be the only thing giving him hope most times because he loves them more than anything in the best way he can. I know that in my heart. And they LOVE him, too. In so many ways--he is an amazing father and husband--but his addiction makes him unreliable and emotionally empty often when we need him most. On his end, this compiles into even worse guilt and shame (thinking he is a failure as a father on top of everything else).

This is a hard personal choice that should be given deep deep thought--because there is no turning back and a new baby NEEDS safety and love and positive energy. Something I know my AH cannot promise...

ragdoll · Newbie

Hi bdl,

I am also new to this board, but something really struck me in your post...that your AW thinks you are trying to control her recovery and you're confused about this.

My AH has made many comments like this both while he was actively drinking and a few times in recovery. I think I've finally figured out that my personal boundaries "seem like" a control issue to him. But in reality, it's the opposite--I'm not trying to control him, I'm trying to control me and my own serenity.

Now, when I start to get that confused feeling, it's kind of a red flag for me. I try to honestly reflect on my motivation for whatever boundary it is I'm trying to set. If it's healthy and good for me and/or the kids, I can feel good about it. Regardless of how he sees it or feels about it--that's his business. I'm done with the explanations and justifications.

I think it's starting to sink in for me that I have both a right and a responsibility to set healthy boundaries for me and for my children. And I don't have to let his view of things make me second guess myself. I trust that my HP is guiding me to the next right thing.

bdl978 · Newbie

Thanks to everybody for the responses. They were very helpful. I had a long discussion with my wife yesterday, one which hopefully put things into perspective for both of us.

I told her that while I understand that she is trying very hard, and making some progress, that we are simply not stable enough in recovery to even begin this discussion. It was very difficult for her to hear, but I think she (and I) finally understand that this is best, and that her intense desire to have another baby is actually another symptom of her trying to fill the void in her life that needs to be filled with her higher power and recovery. she expressed to me that her anger and resentment about the situation is her grieving the loss of a life that she wanted, but was unable to attain on her own. I thought that this was pretty insiteful and hopefully it pushes her to finally accept the reality of her situation and invest the time and energy necessary for her to gain real recovery.

I have also had to accept this reality and i'm experiencing some grief of my own. fortunately I am more patient and realistic about the situation.

There is a part of her (addictive/ obsessive/ negative thinking) that is convinced that this means she will never have another child. I just hope that she is able to reach out to her sponsor and her recovery family and gain some clarity. she is a good mom. unfortunately shes sees that as her identity and that it is being taken from her. I realize that this is not true, and hope that she is able to come to this realization.

we are fortunate that our daughter is young and surrounded constantly by loving family members (both sets of grandparents live close by and are very involved in our lives). I hope that my wife can see, as I have, that the only way to truly give our daughter what she needs is to first work on our own defects through the recovery process.

her commitment to AA and her recovery has been impeded by her unwillingness to sacrifice the time necessary away from our family to truly become commited. Her therapist told her that in all the years of working with addicts, that she has some of the most significant control issues shes ever seen. this is a bit disheartening, but at least it is out in the open.

I am encouraged by the fact that she has not, even once decided to give up on recovery. its in God's hands what happens now.

as for me, I found a temporary sponsor at my meeting last night and made a commitment to attend more meetings and begin my own step work.

thanks again for the comments.

-Brandyn

Jadie · Veteran Member

Brandyn...thanks for your update & for sharing the power of Al-anon at work. Humbling.

A great reminder that it works if we work it.

I wish you both well

((((hugs))))

Jadie x

sookie · Senior Member

Wow--I am sure that was a very challenging, emotional conversation for you both but it sounds like it is already promoting some spiritual growth for you both. Really good to hear and you sound like you are on a very positive path, very aware. Best wishes for peace.

Michelle814 · ~*Service Worker*~

keep coming back here, I hope!!!

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