The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
One of the things I'm really focusing on in my recovery is in trying to not take things personally and keeping control of my emotions, but also maintaining my serenity and sanity at the same time.
I got the perfect chance today. My AH, son, and I were sitting outside a grocery store waiting to get burgers from the outdoor grill area. I was telling a story about a baby bird and I get excited about animal stories. My AH says, "I can hear you, I'm sitting right here." And, before I could say anything in response he says, "People are looking at you."
Ugh, well that just about got my tears rolling. You'd think I was a child being reprimanded. He could have stopped at the comment about me bing too loud or something but he just had to make it seem like I was embarrassing him. I held it together, didn't cry(thank goodness), and got my act together. Seems like it should be easy to most people, but for me it's not because I take everything too personal. Granted, I still think he was out of line and could have taken a different approach but I chose to not let it ruin my day and that's what matters.
Now, if I can just figure out how to say something in response that sets a boundary, I'll be on my way!
i can so relate to this ,my daughter does me the same.thanx for posting and shareing this,sounds like yur doing great.and i wished i knew what to say in response also that would set a boundry.
It is hard to maintain serenity in those situations. I had a time that I was with hubby on a cruise, also with his sponsor and his wife. My hubby made a crack to his sponsor (in front of me) that he didn't have to attend every argument he was invited to. I was speechless. I looked at him with my mouth open, just not knowing what to say or if to say anything. I elected not to say anything and let his disrespect stand there and be noticed. I get hot even thinking about it now. I had a hard time for the rest of the night.
What I think now when things like that come up is on the lines of, "if that's what makes you feel like a real man, then go for it!" It is my own personal sarcasm, only said to myself. It is a really personal thing, though.
My therapist suggested that I say, in a mild but focused manner, "What exactly is your point?" I have found that this tends to render people speechless, I think because they find it hard to explain jabs because their meanness would be apparent. So anyway, that's one option among many, I'm sure.
(HUGS) I understand this completely and it sounds like your focus on you is on the right track Maybe people were looking at you because it was an interesting story!!
Only a suggestion - "Honey, I know how loud I'm talking. You don't need to point it out and I don't care if people are looking. People look at each other all the time." He would probably try and argue after that or exaggerate and say that he doesn't want the whole world thinking some emergengy is happening cuz of how loud you are or that he is going to go deaf or something nasty like that, but that is where you use the tool of not attending every argument you are invited to.
I always believe that a person's perception is their reality. That said , what was really going on at the time was how he interpreted the situation.
If you were exuberant in sharing your story and focused on the people you were talking to what others do or how they react is not your concern.
My suggestion is that you validate your actions. Such as" I know I was excited and full of joy in sharing that precious story, I am sure that others felt that and appreciated my energy. " Enough said.
I always take it back to me and my principles and perception. I will validate my actions when necessary as above or if I am wrong own it by saying "I am sorry I just got carried away by the story" Either way you are a winner.
Pinkchip, I was going to retort with this, "If people are looking at me that's their problem. People were looking at you at the Macaroni Grill when you got into it with your family. Should I have said something to you and pointed it out? I guess you'd want to know if you were being a distraction to other diners, just like you thought I'd want to know, right?"
Instead I kept my mouth shut. That's my first step, learning not to defend my actions all the time and then getting into a fight or finding myself in an argument I can't win. Next thing will be learning the correct responses and comebacks that find me serenity while at the same time setting a boundary.
Oh, how I identify with that! I take things personally and am frequently in tears or angry. I am trying to remind myself, I can't control what others think about me. I ask myself, "was I wrong? obnoxious? unkind?" If I am not, then I have to let go of the opinions of others.
If people are staring because there is joy and laughter, let them stare. Hopefully the joy and laughter is contagious, the world can always use more!
I used to hear this all the time to the point my AH started shushing me ... THAT is so not going to fly in my world. So I tend to go above and beyond at that point .. if someone was looking I will lean back to the people next to us and say .. am I bothering you with my story? This stopped the shushing in public .. LOL .. and ironically the people next to us would laugh and say absolutely not!
You are right if he's having issues HIS issue.
Hugs P :)
__________________
Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
I would probably say something like- People may be looking at me. I don't mind. I do mind being spoken to like a child, so please just kindly ask me to lower my voice next time my volume is bothering you.
Well, in the past I would have probably gotten LOUDER and said- OH, AM I EMBARRASSING YOU?!
Haha.
__________________
Only to the extent that we expose ourselves over and over to annihilation can that which is indestructible be found in us. -from Pema Chödron's When Things Fall Apart
Y'all are gonna love this: HE DID IT AGAIN! Not the same situation but a similar one. I was talking in the car TO MY SON, not directly to my AH and I provided information that he felt wasn't important towards the overall story itself. So he says to me, "Is this relevant to the story itself?" Well, in my mind it was and I told him that I wanted to tell ds about the farm this woman owned and that yes, it was important. UGH, I got caught defending myself didn't I? Some day I will learn, right? He just makes it so dang hard, though, to keep my serenity.
He's walking around all huffy this AM probably because he can't go play tennis as usual(I won't drive him 40 mins there, sit there for 2 hours, and then drive home 40 mins) and maybe he's frustrated about not having a license, whatever. I'm tired of feeling like he's taking it all out on me! I just want to tell a freaking story without him interrupting me and making me feel like crap!
It's one of those deals where the THINK tool would come in handy - this would be where you go (Is it thoughtful, honest, important, necessary, kind?) and then communicate what you want. What Betty suggested is actually the most true to what I consider program values (sorry to crosstype). Going back to point out where he did the same thing any you did not call him on it is a tit for tat game. Any manner in which you can stick up for yourself but in a way that is consistent with that you love him and are not so hurt or wounded by him would be ideal. Also, he can't make you feel like crap if you don't let him. I used to hover in between feeling like crap over negative interchanges or being mad as hell (or both). Who knew there is a middle ground where I could just choose to not care or also choose to respond assertively and then just let it go and not make it such a big deal?
It sounds as if you are picking up on a pattern. It's amazing how awareness changes our understanding of things. It sounds to me as if your AH expresses his grumpiness by micro-managing the way you express yourself. So ironic, eh?! Like alcoholics are in such perfect control of themselves!
It sounds as if this is one of those patterns where it helps to ask yourself, "Is he capable of hearing about a problem and acting on it, or does he react dismissively and defensively all the time?" Then you know whether to bring it up gently at a calm time or to just figure out a way to keep from taking it on board. I remember Reagan was really effective when he said to Jimmy Carter in a debate, with a kind of amused shaking of his head, "There you go again." Some people felt it wasn't fair of him to say that about what Jimmy Carter was saying. I bet few people would feel it is unfair to say it, again in detached amusement, to a criticizing alcoholic.
Maybe people were looking at you because it was an interesting story!!