Need advice on dealing with bitterness. - Al-Anon Family Group

slogan_jim · Senior Member

Need advice on dealing with bitterness.

ilovedogs · ~*Service Worker*~

Have you tried working with a professional counselor who specializes in addictions and/or codependency issues? For me, I had a lot of resentment towards my dad because he was the alcoholic in my life at that age. Now, it's my AH. I forgave my dad by working through some forgiveness books, really being honest about my childhood, and being honest about who my dad really was. I let go of the power I thought he had over me and I saw him for what he was: a sad pathetic man who needed his bar stool more than his family. He passed away at the age of 62 just a few months ago and I have to say that I am actually at peace in regards to him. I let him go, I let go of my childhood expectations, and I let go of my preconceived notion that my childhood was perfect. I am still working through all kinds of crud from my past, but most of it is related to my parents and family of origin in general, and not just about my dad. This stuff takes time. Believe me, everyone has to work through 'stuff' at some point or another. The sooner you start working through it and being honest about it, you will find real peace.

And, sometimes anger is necessary to help us work things out. It's when anger gets rooted in bitterness that it becomes a problem for us. You do have love, it comes from your Higher Power, it comes from learning to love yourself, and it comes from within the walls of Al Anon. Welcome to the site, I hope you come back and visit us often!

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Slogan Jim Welcome to Miracles in Progress

I love your log on name.

I too grew up in an alcoholic home and carried a great deal of resentment deep within. I tried counseling, self help books etc to no avail. Then I found alanon and the steps These beautiful simple tools lead me out of the pain into the peace I know today. After working the 4 thru 10 step on this issue I was freed from the anger and the pain, I still remember all of the issues however the pain and anger have lifted and I wm free.

I urge you to continue working this program/ You are worth it.

pineapple · ~*Service Worker*~

(((slogan jim))) Welcome to MIP! You are in the right place. I was completely innocent of alcoholism as a child, never really had any personal dealings with it until I was in my 40's with my AH. But many on this board have experiences to share. I invite you to read other posts and replies, there is much to be learned here. Sending you positive thoughts and support. Please, keep coming back and keep on sharing.

slogan_jim · Senior Member

Thanks Guys,

I have worked the steps and have been going to Al-Anon for 2 years. I love it. I have spoken at a few open meetings. I speak with my higher power everyday. I thank him for all the blessings he has given me and for guiding me through the doors of al-anon.

One thing that I 'learned' to do was to hide any hurt that I am feeling once it comes so as to not look weak. Sometimes I will see people that will trigger certain emotions I've felt growing up. Instead of processing what I am feeling and expressing it, I tend to put on my 'sit of armour' and not allow anything to seep through. Growing up, I wasn't used to people (my mom, step-mom's, my dad sometimes) being nice to me and was neglected. I have a hard time accepting when people are nice to me. I dont let love through my suit of armour.

An exercise I have been praticing is sometimes I watch sad movie clips and force myself to cry, so I can experience what it's like to feel again. I have to say that after, i feel great ! ahhaha.

I've felt joy,happiness, anger, love, hurt and sadness....I just have to practice and remember what those feel like again.

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Aloha Slogan Jim and welcome to the board. I relate to your share and must also relate that one of my early spiritual enlightenments was on this subject and while I was at a home group and someone related that they had heard the following from page 449 of the third edition of the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous. It was said my Dr. Paul and it goes in part "...and I have found that acceptance is the solution to all of my problems". I had an immediate positive reaction to that meaning that I knew if I was able to learn and practice acceptance the resentments and anger and rage and other me stuff would go away. In practicing this with my former sponsor he also mentioned to me that if I didn't like the overall powerful emotion of anger I could practice the opposite and get the opposite...which was acceptance (again). I was told I could not feel acceptance and anger at the very same time and he was right so I went with learning acceptance of everything and person around me without exception and practiced it continually. Years later anger doesn't much show up in my life anymore and when it does I replace it with acceptance. Not the acceptance of the morality of a situation but just he face that it happened and I had not caused it, could not control it and wasn't able to cure it. It happened in spite of me.

And just a little add on in response to your statement of the prime of a man's life...I didn't get into program till I was 37 and then still didn't get as much as I have now until I was 46 and older. At 50 I was in the prime of my life...the happiest I had ever been and use to tell younger people that I wouldn't trade what I had then for what I didn't have when I was a younger person. Of course today I'm older still and guess what...still in the prime of my life. The promises came true for me and I'm living them. You can also. Grab on to lessons on acceptance...have the group teach you...find a sponsor who has a skill at it...tell your HP you want as much or more of it than HP can get you...meditate on Dr. Paul's statement..."And I have found that acceptance is the solution to all of my problems."

In love and support. (((((hugs))))) smile

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Jim for me, once I believed that addiction was and is a disease, and also that it is genetic, all my anger and blame went away.

My A would never have chosen to be an addict. With his backround he did not have a chance.

I hope this tiny piece of experience will help you. It was never personal or about you.

He is a very, very sick person.

I hope you find serenity Jim. love,debilyn

Tracey C · Senior Member

Jerry's reply has hit the mark with me. Growing older is a pleasure after going through all the pain before I found this program. It would've been good if things were different, but they weren't. Have you tried looking into the acoa room on this site? It stands for adult children of alcoholics ( but it can be used any dysfunctional family situation though). I myself can't access it, but I have a lot of literature that helps me here at home. Acoa was the first place that helped me.

Kind Regards,

Tracey

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

I very much understand where you are coming from Jim. What has helped me is to really work the steps to the point of feeling more self-esteem. Do you like the person you are? Are you happy with what you do? Are you happy with who your surround yourself with? Are you happy with the life you create for yourself? These are all things that ARE largely in your control. When the answer to those questions is a strong "Yes!" then it's much harder to feel strong resentment because you internally know that whatever hardship or difficulty you went through and endured - it all made you stronger and into the good person you are today. When you start looking at it that way, it's easier to let go of the resentment. The things that were done "to" you become more like things that were done "for" you so that you could learn and be a better person. That doesn't make the actions of the alcoholic okay - but it does make you healthier and less hurt by your past. I hope this helps some. I wish I was perfect at putting this into action myself - but we are all works in progress.

Mark

orchidlover · ~*Service Worker*~

You know looks can be deceiving. For many 20 year olds it is a time to be in denial and not work on their childhood issues. Believe me everyone has issues. My ex husband had many many issues with his father who wasn't an alcoholic but just not "there". He felt tremendous resentment and anger towards him. We always judge other people's outsides by our insides.

I hope you will seek out help for yourself. There are many mediums to find it in. I would agree with Jerry there are many "primes" in life and it isn't necessarily when you are young. I think the best time is when you have processed stuff but guess what its an ongoing journey. I process things differently now than what I did at 20 but I didn't get "help" until I was 30.

So in fact you are far ahead of so many other people. Some people are never willing to look at their family of origin issues. It takes tremendous courage, strength and resilience to be willing to live in reality.

Maresie.

Oksie · Senior Member

I am part of this board and the ACA board. I find different things from the different boards focus.

I too am trying to learn how to let go of that resentment and hate

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

Hugs Slogan Jim,

I have really been looking at step 1 and part of step 1 for me is what Jerry has shared .. I am powerless over other people, places, things and for me I have to add to that the past as well.

For me to move forward I have to let go completely of the past. There are a lot of things that I did learn from the trials that I went through and currently I'm working on my first step 4 blue print. Listing out my assets as well as defects. I survived that time that maybe I was suppose to be maturing from child to adult. I didn't know how to have fun. I did survive in spite of those circumstances. The biggest thing is I don't want to hold on to the anger and bitterness. I want to move on and feel good and teach my children how to cope with their circumstances and live vs just surviving.

You didn't mention if you have a sponsor or not. Working the steps with a sponsor for me was and is key. Knowing that my life is blessed with my sponsor in my life is huge huge huge. I have made great strides during this time and as I hit these hiccups in dealing with the anger of my own situation I can turn to my sponsor and figure out where I want to be and what I need to do. Using this board is also an awesome tool when she may not be available.

Alanon has def blessed my life and I've been working the program now for about 1 1/2 years.

Keep coming back.

Hugs P :)

likemyheart · ~*Service Worker*~

Hello Jim - I took a different approach towards healing the child within. I explored my mother and father's childhood. Seeing them as real people who went through hard things themselves as children allowed me to empathize with them and better realize that it wasn't ME that was the cause of their unhappiness that caused them to be abusive. My father drank because HIS father drank, it was what men did and no one could tell dad that it might not be right to do so because HIS father did it, right? Once I understood my parent's past it was not hard to let go of the resentments, it was pretty easy once I saw them as real people and that they didn't hurt ME specifically and purposely.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.