Will the relapses ever end?????? His family involved now! This is too much! - Al-Anon Family Group

Julie3310 · Veteran Member

Will the relapses ever end?????? His family involved now! This is too much!

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

The short answer is: No, the relapses will likely never end. He is not seeking recovery. And in fact not being recovered seems to be working really well for him right now. The only thing that will change the way things are going is changes that you make.

My therapist said to me, "Sometimes you have to keep touching the stove to see if it's hot." It was always still hot. It sounds as if your stove is still hot too.

As for his brother, the Al-Anon saying is "What people think of you is none of your business."

One thing you might ask yourself is: "What do I get out of hanging out with these people?" His brother is predictably no healthier than he is. Anyone who hangs out with them will most likely be sucked into their orbit of insanity.

Do you have a meeting? More support helps us learn ways of dealing with things that give us new serenity. I hope you can take good care of yourself.

Julie3310 · Veteran Member

Your right. His brother cheats on his girlfriend and smokes weed too and he lets his brother smoke with him too. I just hate that I have to take the blame for most of this since I am his weakness. I didnt know the impact I had on him since he would hit me, use me and cheat on me. I thought of it as him not caring or loving and all I wanted was to take it slow, I lived in a fantasy trial and I woke up to a failed reality. I know people say give it time with brother and who cares, but It hurts that people wont see my battle and struggle. they would probably stop talking to me thinking I am a crack head too. And his brother should know I am a good person just influenced by my drug which is him. He will never understand it from my view and see how hard it is for me. He tells me to be with him and I tell him I wont be with him like this I want to take it slow and than he says why are u being nieve my brother has a problem.

But he doesnt want to take responibility for his brother which hurts bc while he knows his brother has a problem he decided to leave his brother homeless that night too and i will not take full blame for this just because I care too much which is enabling.

katfshh · Senior Member

If he isn't in recovery or even considering recovery, then why even answer your phone? I had to end a relationship like that, because he was drunk and denied needing to be in recovery, and really never attempted recovery. My current AF, has been in recovery most of his life. And this is all in his head while he is drinking, without a headfull of recovery how can he even think he needs help? If you are giving him money it is not helping him. My son was addicted to Heroin at 18 years old. I had to kick him out! If I didn't kick him out, he would have never gone to rehab and straightened out. If he still lived at home, he wouldn't have HAD to choose to get sober. Giving them a roof over their head, and money in thier pocket isn't helping them, it's helping their disease kill them. Hugs. Get strong. Read, read, read, and go to a meeting.

Julie3310 · Veteran Member

The thing I am afraid of and I guess that this is the hard part of letting go, is that I want to have a relationship with him clean. I wish I didnt have to let go in order for him to get clean. I am his source to those habits and I dont want to be viewed that way. I am afraid I will let go and he will get clean and he will look at me like i was the bad one, I was the bad influence and I am no good for him, when in reality he is no good for me, but knowing that someone does this too and were to get clean, I would hope he would see the good i wanted and to work things out but in my head i am afraid he will get clean and blame me for whats going on now

katfshh · Senior Member

If he gets clean, and works his program, he will not blame you for what's going on. That will become evident in his recovery. He will have to look at himself and see what HE did. Stop thinking about the "What if's?" Thinking what if he gets clean and then blames you? Honestly, read what you wrote. Does that make any sense to you? Fear is all it is. Don't like fear motivate you to do the wrong thing. Keep reading and posting.

Temple · ~*Service Worker*~

Julie,
Do you remember back in March, when you hadn't seen him since January, and were so much happier?
I think you had decided to bow out and leave him to the mother of his young child?
Maybe rereading your old posts would help you to gain some clarity.
Good luck,
Temple

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

Remember that the majority of addicts and alcoholics never get clean. Those are the statistics. Around 75% of people who enter recovery programs do not achieve longterm sobriety. Not trying to get clean guarantees that it won't happen. If he should enter recovery and be one of the 25% that makes it, you will have plenty of time to get back together with him after he's stayed sober for two or three years. Before then it is a crapshoot. But the situation hasn't even arisen, because he hasn't shown any sign of heading toward recovery.

And remember that you don't have to "take the blame" or "not take the blame" or any of those things from his brother or from him. All you have to do is not to talk to them. Then whatever crazy ideas they have, they can have on their own. They won't affect you because you'll be doing your own happy thing. Their opinions are worth exactly as much as the opinions of a crazy person who says the sky is full of noodles. There's no point arguing with a crazy person unless we like feeling bad. As the saying goes, "Recovery isn't winning, it's not playing."

It takes a while to realize that we have everything we need to make our lives sane and serene. Take good care of yourself.

Jennifer · ~*Service Worker*~

3 C's - you did not cause the addiction, can not control the addiction and cannot cure the addiction. Once you are truly able to accept being powerless over another's addiction, othe rpeople's opinions of your part in the cycle of this disease will not matter. Only your opinion of your part will matter.

In my experience my exAH's family was angry with me because he lied to them about my part in his addiction. As alcoholism and addiction affects the whole family they chose to believe and continue the cycle of denial. A very smart person once asked me, would you rather your AH find recovery without you or progress to death in the same cycle with you? Eventually with AlAnon tools I was able to see my part of the cycle and set healthy boundaries that led to my complete acceptance of wanting the best chance of recovery for myself and him. Now years later the time I spent worrying about other's opinions of my part were so pointless ... once I was not enabling him any longer, he gave the job to a few of them. The experience of walking in another's shoes does alot for anyone (Yes I still need a little work there because that fact makes me a little too happy) Since then my exAH has done a couple more rehab stints, jail and prison and is now sober but not in recovery. While I have found what is healthy for me, school, work, puppies, serenity with AlAnon and daily (for the most part) peace.

I hope you find the same serenity that I have no matter what route your journey takes to get there. Try to get to meetings and read as much as you can. I highly favor The Merry Go Round of Denial pamphlet.

Jen

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Julie many of us feel as you, well what if he gets clean and i don't get him back? What if he finds someone else and she gets to be with him clean?

Truth is, they are still an addict with that addict personality.

Believe me we are not helping them by getting into their disease at all. It is their business not ours. Mentioning rehab or quitting or whatever is none of our business.

Sounds like his brother is an A also. My ex AH's family loved to blame me for every bad thing my A did. Funny how the only time in his life he was in recovery was when he was married to me.

Yes it's hard to let go, but look at what this is doing to you? As far as his brother, mayself I would go on with my life and find happy, healthy relationships.

hugs, debilyn

Julie3310 · Veteran Member

I was a sociology and pyschology major in college and I think the quest to figure out an addicts mind and be fascinated (not in a good supporting way) but to constantly understand it can and has drove me crazy. I feel hopeless that nothing can be done. I feel so sad that i look at him like a lost soul. He is 31 yrs old with the mind of a 16 yr old. To have the personality myself that I get satisfaction by helping people and not being able to help the person I love hurts a lot. I will pray for him and wish him the best and cut him off.

I havent spoken to him since yesterday, he has not called. I dont know if he is ok, hurt, dead, using like crazy still or with another woman or back home to his baby mother. I dont know and any other time i think i would be crying myself to sleep but Its been hard to cry over this. I wish the time i had to wait to recover and move on would come faster. I like change but not the pain.

Julie3310 · Veteran Member

For feeling so bad for him, I feel like its my fault for dropping him off.

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

You cannot turn an apple into an orange. You cannot turn him into something he is not. None of what he does and who he is is your fault. The way you choose to interact with a drug abusing sociopath is pretty much on you.

Aside from not being able to help an addict who doesn't want to be in recovery - It's EXTRA difficult to try and teach morals and empathy to people who have spent lots of time in jails and who commit crimes...etc. They typically view people as a means to an end. They are not capable of being the person that you think he could be. They are charming and act loving, but only to the extent that it gets them stuff.

Julie - Do some soul searching. You are clearly a giving and wonderful person but your energies will be spent better on people that are more able to take your help and then help themselves. Furthermore, the type of person you are describing your exA to be is one that will take all your help and drain you to the point that you have nothing left to give.

You don't need to be "liked" or "loved" by sick people. That will make you sick. You seem to know that. Even if this guy did get clean, he has deep seated antisocial/criminal personality leanings (sounds like) and that would remain. Nothing (not you or anything else) is going to make him a kind, giving, loving person.

In support,

Mark

Julie3310 · Veteran Member

I'm really nervous. I have made the choice to cut him off but I haven't heard from him since Thursday. He usually calls me or texts me. But I'm thinking worst case scenario right and thinking he could be in trouble or god forbid hurt or dead. I couldn't even live with myself knowing I'm the one that dropped him off and he did this.

katfshh · Senior Member

Sometimes they don't call, and they disappear. We went crazy two years ago when my AF seemed to fall off the face of the earth. We actually got to the point that we filed a missing persons report and we all thought we would get a call that he was dead. But, guess what? He wasn't. When he had enough he called. He was sick as a dog, but wanted help. Sometimes when we let go, they really do have to look at themselves. Whatever happened, or is happening is something you can not control. I know how badly the unknown stinks. Just get through it..I know it's very hard.

Julie3310 · Veteran Member

I have come to the conclusion that I am done with him and this phase of being with him period is over. I can not wait anymore for him to change, the physical change of going back to ignoring him and not talking to him will happen but my mind can not fathom that right now.

Right now, I am going in circles wondering where he is. The worst part about it all, is that i would be more upset knowing he went back to his baby mother than be in the streets. and that is what will break my heart more. I dont know where he is, or what he is thinking.

The unknown is driving me crazy. The crazy part of it all, is that once i know where he is, whether he is with her or not, i will be content and move on. I just forgot what it is like to let go again and this time its really messed up because there is no communication.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.