The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Pushka, I get it. I can wax on and on, too...a good descriptive story is awesome! I guess my thing is when someone is asking for something, just come out and ask!
I used to live in Germany. Hadn't spoken to my folks in a couple of years. I called them for something and my stepdad started asking all sorts of weird questions...what was the water pressure like in my house...how many bedrooms...did the spare room have a mattress AND boxspring or was it like a futon type of thing...
I eventually cut him off and asked what was he trying to get at?
Turns out, they wanted to VISIT.
Well, that's really all they had to say. Hey, we'd love to see you and take a trip to Germany. And then we could discuss details. I mean, the approach was just crazy in my opinion. Always had to be on guard talking to them, trying to discern their real intentions.
Now, I just don't bother! :)
Kat, I'm having flashbacks after reading your post! Yep...same deal here. Now I just leave her to her assumptions and mindreading. I say what I need to say to her (which is not much these days) and move on. She's going to twist everything in her mind and be upset anyway, so why get myself all worked up about it, trying to over explain, etc. She is who she is. She has that "what will the neighbors think" syndrome too...sounds like a sad way to live, in my opinion. It's like someone's signature here...Jerry, I think...have a nice day, unless you have other plans.
My mother has other plans!
-- Edited by Dolly Llama on Friday 11th of May 2012 04:44:35 PM
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Only to the extent that we expose ourselves over and over to annihilation can that which is indestructible be found in us. -from Pema Chödron's When Things Fall Apart
I didn't grow up in an alcoholic family, but I might as well have. All the same traits were there. My folks were abusive and my mom probably has a personality disorder. Don't really talk to them anymore, but I had to call my mother yesterday to see if she had one of my old military records that I will need shortly. (She did!)
Anyway, the convo wasn't stressful for me at all... I have detachment and awareness and certainly deal with my mother a lot better with the tools I have learned in Al Anon.
Maybe some of you can relate to this or maybe even think this is funny. It is a prime example of the sort of communication many of us experience in alcoholic homes. I find it rather annoying, though I can laugh it off now.
I have a young nephew that I've only seen a time or two. I forgot his birthday earlier this month. I don't feel bad about it because I don't know this kid at all and am not even sure he remembers me. Plus, he is only 5 and I am sure he is not sore his Aunt on the other side of the country didn't send a gift.
My mother mentioned he had a birthday and said to me during our phone call- I'm not sure what you want to do about it...if you want to send something like a belated type of thing...or maybe he is too young and won't remember...just not sure what you felt like doing.
Haha. Well, I don't feel like doing anything to be honest. I thought it was sort of funny that she just didn't say directly- Dolly, you forgot X's birthday and it hurt your sister's feelings.
Or better yet, my actual sister with the hurt feelings calling me. And I don't even know that her feelings were hurt that I forgot her son's birthday. My family's way of not really saying anything directly, but implying stuff and assuming, speaking between the lines and laying down subtle manipulations and expectations.
She went on- you mentioned before that your in-laws were going to stay in touch and write you while you are at training. Well, *I* don't even have your address.
She doesn't have my address because I don't know what it will be yet until I get my military orders! Instead of directly saying- hey, what's your address at training going to be? she does this dance and why bring my in-laws into it??
I remember how messed up in the head I always felt when I talked to her more frequently. As it stands now, I am quite good after our brief convo yesterday. I'll call her on Mother's Day, maybe.
I have learned I really, really like direct, honest, straightforward communication.
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Only to the extent that we expose ourselves over and over to annihilation can that which is indestructible be found in us. -from Pema Chödron's When Things Fall Apart
I struggle with being direct Dolly .. LOL .. same issue exactly non alcoholic home until I was in my teens. There was an issue with stating what the needs were combine that with my mom has no filter at all. Her statements were often followed by "did I say that out loud?" .. LOL! She has been diagnosed turrets, nothing huge however that lack of filter as well as some ticks.
I like direct honest communication as well .. I swear I have grown up thinking I was speaking another language to people who were speaking english and it used to just drive me to distraction as to why am I communicating so horribly. At least now .. it's starting to come easier. I love the fact so many people here can say what they need to say in one or two lines and I've learned a whole lot in that area .. it probably doesn't help that I like to tell descriptive stories .. hey if I'm taking my act on the road I want to be able to make someone smile as I do it. ;)
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
I have a mother like that. My dad was an A, never in recovery, and she was the one going around covering up everything, making sure no one thought badly of our family or my dad. Even today, (my dad passed away 3 years ago May 14th.) Had health problems before he died relating to his alcoholism, Esophageal varices for one. Which she still says were a ulcer. He wound up dying of multiple myeloma, not really sure if it has a connection to alcoholism, but many cancers do. So, even today if I say a word about my dad being an alcholic, she gets upset and acts like I am calling him Satan. "Your father was a good man, he always went to work, and supported his family." blah, blah, blah..she won't even consider that he might have been an alcoholic. But, she wonders why I keep having relationships with alcoholics. She doesn't come right out and ask or say what she means either. She dances around everything. My sister is having a baby Monday, scheduled c-section, and it's 3 years ago that my dad passes away. She told me "please don't bring up the fact to our extended family that ____ is delivering on the anniversary of dad's passing." Really? Now this is a secret? Why? Who cares what they think, honestly they probably don't think anything! But, now it's a family secret? When I was going through my divorce she wasn't even supportive, she was saying things like, "Oh no, what am I going to tell my sister?" She was worried about what? How it made her look? Her sister has grown children, some who have gone through divorce! Ugh..sorry, didn't mean to highjack the post. I just felt like I get it. And your post makes me realize that I need to keep my conversations with my mother to different level. I cannot include her in my situation, and she is not the person to talk to. Keep the conversations about the weather and what's on sale at the grocery store...Thanks for your post! Writing this is helpful, and reading what you wrote turned a light bulb on in my head about my mom and what I expect from her, but never get.
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Katfshh
~The most beautiful sunsets are made by cloudy skies~
For whats it'S worth- My sister (whom I haven't seen in 30 years, has eight children, those children being my nephews.) I used to send books amd educational toys. But they're way too old for that now. Yet I still want tht connecrton, even though I've never seen or met them.
Yesterday my sister text messaged me that my niece is pregnant. My 18 year old niece who is still in high school and doesn't even have a driver's license yet. Well, that is another story. If any 18-year old were ready for parenthood, I'd like to shake their hand...my niece is especially immature and clueless. No plans beyond "we'll see what happens." Ugh.
The point of this isn't to rag on my niece. It was a fine example of the communication in my family. I feel so blessed that I can see and hear the sickness in how my family operates. Al Anon has taught me so much about healthy communication and interactions. God, I love this program.
Here's how it went down. Niece went to her mother's house for a family birthday party. (She lives with her dad.) Her stepfather noticed she looked a bit, uh, filled out. Niece went home, stepfather and mother (my sister) had a conversation.
My sister texts her daughter...uh...stepfather wondered if you were pregnant?
They text back and forth for a while, niece confesses that she is, and that was that.
My sister texted me the news (seriously, can anyone in my family pick up the phone and actually call?). I call her. She is saying things like- I'm just glad it didn't happen on my watch. I don't want anything to do with the baby, I don't even want to see it when it's born. She made her bed hard, now she has to lay in it.
I wanted to vomit.
My HP sends me a message. There is a scared 18 year old pregnant girl out there who clearly doesn't have her mother's support. So I called her. I was able to tell her I loved her, encouraged her to go to the doctor (she hasn't been yet and could be as much as 4 months along), ask if they were using birth control, what her plans are, etc. You know, adult stuff.
We get off the phone and I say a little prayer. Ok, a BIG prayer.
My sister texts again- did you talk to her?
And starts pumping me for information. Note that my sister has not had an actual conversation with her daughter since this news dropped last week. Won't call her. But wants me to spill the beans on everything my niece said to ME.
This is my family. Whisper whisper behind everyone's back. I mean, if my kid was pregnant, I like to think I would find the courage to take her out for lunch and a chat, regardless of the circumstances. After 10 minutes on the phone with my sister, the air was so toxic and yucky I had to go.
Am now thinking I want to put a lot more distance between my family and me. The level of ick was stunning. Detach, detach, detach.
Anyway, thanks for letting me share. I am off to have a fun day...going to a baseball game! Ahhh...it's been too long!
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Only to the extent that we expose ourselves over and over to annihilation can that which is indestructible be found in us. -from Pema Chödron's When Things Fall Apart
