Need someone's experience or insight - Al-Anon Family Group

kissers · Senior Member

Need someone's experience or insight

Temple · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Kissers,

Like your avatar.
OK--here's my experience:
Decades in, I wish I had had three pieces of information early, early on. I think that's all it would have taken:
1. He is an alcoholic. I really did not know that--he was atypical, and it was the Dark Ages, and there wasn't that much information out there.
2. Eric Berne said "Alcoholic is a three-handed game, played by the Alcoholic, the Wife and the Bartender. And it cannot be won." I read that a decade later--after I was married to him and had a child. And when I finally realized that he was an alcoholic, I asked if he were going to continue to drink, because I needed to plan my life. He quit. I thought that was enough. It wasn't. And that took me a long time to figure out. Way too long.
3. Dr. Phil says Alcoholism is a deal breaker. This was a long time before Dr. Phil. Sometimes I think he's a bit of a loose cannon. I think he's right on this one.
I hope you are reading the posts from women who have married and had children with alcoholics and are going through the throes of leaving them a decade or two or three in.

As they say, take what you like and leave the rest.

Good Luck,
Temple

sweeetr · Senior Member

I knew my AH had a lil of a drinking prob mainly thought it was how he was raised, all his family drinks. I just didn't know to what degree. He had a baby I absolutely fell in love with and later adopted. The baby had bad environmental issues. The birth mother had recently over dosed and I was totally lied to about the situation by all his family( which btw set the definition of enablers &/or addicts themselves) . When I realised my AH was a full blown A it was too late (child involved). Alcoholism is not only a disease it's a personality and way of life and death of souls. I am at crossroad now that I am getting my ducks in a row so I can possibly file for a divorce if a miracle doesn't happen. Either by my getting better with handling or whatever.... If this were a place to give advice I would say RUN Alcoholics have many personalities that's why we fall in love. It's the other personalities that tear us down. I still love that one personality I just don't see it often anymore .,, just my opinion

Oksie · Senior Member

I grew up in a home with an alcoholic. The youngest of five children. This is a family condition. Both genetically and environmentally. Two siblings have addiction issues, and one nephew. The rest of us have had relationship or 'other' problems.
I often wonder wht it woudl have been like if the abuse was not so rife in our home due to the alcoholism.

I am married to an addict. I knew he was before I married him. I don't ahve kids. He had ceased his drug of choice and we were going well. But he relapsed. This is a chronically relapsing condition. He is currently not using, for no particular reason.. so I know it will start again one day, maybe even today... who knows.

This is part of the person you are in love with. Is this what you want to choose for your life? Maybe it is... I chose it for my life. I knew what he was, I grew up with addiction and I even work in the addiction field.

I really honestly thoughts things were not going to be like that 'this time'. In all honesty, as much as I love my husband very much, if I had known 'then' what i know 'now'....... I would not have done it. I really didn't need this, but I got it now so it is what it is.

You say you are in love with him... are you living with him? Do you have kids? HOw far into the relationship are you.. what are the current commitments.

Should it be this hard at this stage?

pineapple · ~*Service Worker*~

(((kisers))) I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this. We are not supposed to give advice here but I have to tell you that if he is addicted to alcohol it will only get worse without treatment and working a program. Even then, there are no guarantees. I love my A very much although there isn't much to love about him anymore. He gives me nothing in the way of support, affection, companionship...all the things one should have in a partner. I guess I love the him he used to be and could be again if he ever get sober. BUT if I'd had any idea that he was an alcoholic when we first met, and what I was in for, I would have run the other way. Please stick around, read other posts and replies. There is much to be learned here. Please keep coming back.

kissers · Senior Member

Thank you all for the guidance. We are living together right now. I am broke, have no car, and no job. It got to the point where I thought God wanted me dead. I told him today that his words of saying I love you do not match the little ways he tortures me. I got too mouthy one night and he punched me a few times. I should have kept my mouth shut. I read about being quiet in the book Dilemma of the Alcoholic Marriage. I can't keep up with him much longer. I really love him, but I want a better life for the both of us. It seems he doesn't want the same thing. I'll be reading some Melodie Beatty literature today to help guide me, as well as lots of praying. Thank you all very much for your experience.

Too hard · Senior Member

I see you are in a sad place.

My experience is that my sober, for many years, husband does not communicate with me well...but can to others in social situations.

For many years, like you, I was the 'talker' and shared my day to day information with him but gave up about 15 years ago because he hardly responded. Certainly did not share his day, thoughts or feelings with me...and still very rarely does.

I often hear from other people or adult family members what he is doing in the community....or even in the back yard...minor things.

This is hurtful of course.

I have accepted I cannot change him.

Be very clear that your partner punching you, for any reason, is domestic violence.

This behaviour within a relationship usually gets worse.

Learn more about protecting yourself. Lots of information around, look in the front of your phone book too.

Every good wish. T.H.

katfshh · Senior Member

I have been in a relationship before like this. I read this book and it saved my life.... Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men, by Lundy Bancroft. It is excellent!

xxoo.

Bargee · Veteran Member

I am pretty much just going to repeat what some of the others have said.
I love my AH dearly.
We have been married 2 years and 3 months ago we had our first child.
He is almost impossible to live with.
I didn't realise he had a problem until I loved him.
If I could go back and choose again, knowing what I know now, would I have chosen this life....hmm hard to say in a way as we have had some beautiful, wonderful, happy times and I wouldn't have my darling little girl, but in all honesty, I don't think I would have chosen this life.

glad lee · ~*Service Worker*~

He punched you?

A few times?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Physical abuse is an ABSOLUTE DEAL BREAKER, al-anon does NOT support physical abuse. Ever.

You MUST protect yourself, that is completely unacceptable behavior, my friend. You are worth it, you are a beautiful human being and no human being deserves to be punched! Please take care of yourself, you can do it, you will be okay without him. This is not love, sweetie, this is very, very sick.

Please find some meetings to attend, let the fellowship surround you with love and support. All you have to do is walk through the door and fall into their arms, as I did (((hugs)))

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

"I got too mouthy one night and he punched me a few times. I should have kept my mouth shut. I read about being quiet in the book Dilemma of the Alcoholic Marriage."

I want to point out as glad lee has done .. at NO point and time is it ever OK for another person to put their hands on another person, especially someone they "love". Also NO where in ANY alanon lit is it said that is EVER ok!

Yes, please get to some meetings, get a support group, please also call a domestic violence hotline, .. they can counsel you best on your situation and help you have a plan B as an escape route.

Hugs, .. keep coming back .. P :)

Bettina · ~*Service Worker*~

Being married to an alcoholic for 26 years and knowing him for over 30. If I had it to do over would I do it again. NO!! only if I could do it over with him sober.

Its a difficult path to choose. Even with Alanon, its a difficult path. I wish for everyone to discover Alanon as soon as possible so they can know and be educated on the disease of Alcoholism and make the right choice for their life.

Luv, Bettina

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.