Hurting again - Al-Anon Family Group

MeTwo2 · ~*Service Worker*~

Hurting again

Bargee · Veteran Member

Hi MeTwo2.
I'm sorry you're finding it hard right now. It sounds like you have been working hard for yourself though.
I like the fact that you know that this pain will pass if you keep on moving forward. It shows me that you have hope.
It's weird isn't it how much you can miss the person that caused all that heartache.
Thinking of you.

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

".. the idea of him with someone new .."

I don't know why this part of your post struck me so much. Big hugs, .. I understand what you are saying for me it's really not about my AH in the sense of I KNOW this isn't healthy .. for me it's really about the rejection that serves as the deflection of what the reality is in my own situation. Feelings aren't facts and you are right this too shall pass. It's what people do .. they think that it's not them .. it's a new haircut, a new location, a different sig other, different kids even will fix what is wrong with them. Change anything else for a quick fix, however don't work on the real issue. If you keep doing what you are doing you will get what you've got .. I love that saying .. along with if nothing changes .. nothing changes. You are changing and those deeper layers are all about getting even healthier. Isn't it nice we aren't hammered with all of these changes all at the same time?? HP gives us exactly what we need when we need it.

The idea .. the idea of his potential, the idea of what I know he has shown me in the past, the idea that he can appear more normal than I am, the idea .. not the reality the idea that is the hardest to grasp. That whole the furthest distance is from the head to the heart really is so true. My head understands so much more than my heart and I know this whole thing really isn't about me. It helps though to remember that it's not personal even though it truly is a very personal situation as it's happening to me.

Hugs, sending you lots of love and support, keep working your program and keep taking care of you!!

P :)

surfgirl123 · Senior Member

Who knew we were all married to the same guy? :) Seriously, I too get the crazy thoughts that can consume us during these times. I reread some chapters out of my Getting Them Sober last night and they really hit home. When we start to realize that the addict carries their problems with them I think it gets easier to think of them moving on with someone else, their problems WILL NOT disappear, they will only transfer over to another person on which they can inflict their blame, anger, weakness, etc. We all want to believe in this idea of who they are underneath their addiction, but sadly many times they fail to shed off what lies on top of that with their disease. In AA they say something to the effect of there are A's who are incapable of being honest with themself and they sadly are the ones that cannot find sobriety. Anyway, I'm rambling. Stay strong, instead of missing him, try welcoming back yourself - your thoughts, your feelings, YOU, often our A's crowd out who we are and we have to regain it. Praying for you today, you can do it! Hugs and prayers, sg

MeTwo2 · ~*Service Worker*~

Thanks for the smile surf, we really all do appear to be married to the same guy alot of the days .. I woke up this morning and .. I still miss him, but i also woke up with the wonderful reminder that all of these deeper layers really do lead to deeper recovery .. Everything you each wrote gave a comfort so thank you again .. and yes, it is wierd to think I can miss the person who caused so much of the heartaches .. At least contributed in a Huge way; I realise I could have handled things better (for me) with healthier recovery .. I never did see how very much of the relationship was hurting me .. I smoked so much when I was in it, I didn't take the best care of me because I wasn't focused on me .. basically could see what was happening to him only .. I'm to the point where i Need to quit now and take better care of myself .. keep me in your prayers if you will that I end up able to and back in ok shape .. Thanks ..

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

I too fall back into some old habits (free trip to crazytown) and thought patterns (stinkin thinkin), but I find the longer I work my recovery program the shorter they last these days. It grips me and takes me on a quick spiral, then it releases and I am back! That is why we have to keep coming back and practicing to focus on our self care with MIP nad Al-anon face to face meetings and talking to my sponsor. I find it to be most beneficial for me when I realize feelings are not facts and as jealous as I may get or obsessive about what he may be doing, I remember I made a choice and I am good with that. Thanks for the reminder to stay on my side of the street. Sending you love and support!

Temple · ~*Service Worker*~

What I love about all of you who have posted on this thread:
In spite of the pain you're going through, you find it in your hearts to be so supportive of each other.
When one is suffering, it can be so hard to see past one's own nose.
I think the fact that you can be compassionate with others is a real sign of strength and health.

Hugs,
Temple

sookie · Senior Member

Love this: If you keep doing what you are doing you will get what you've got (SO applicable to many areas of life!!!)

and the rest of this thread. I have often laughed at the end of my meetings because Al-Anon opens up this awareness to these layers you mention and we joke about how blissfully ignorant we all were before and now we realize, "Dang! I got some WORK to do on myself!!!!"

Grateful for the awareness despite the hard work though.

MeTwo2 · ~*Service Worker*~

these are so great .. this morning specifically in regard to feelings are not facts .. i went to the meeting and listened to a woman say quote .. pretty sure feelings are not facts neither are thoughts .. and i sat there ' thinking .. what do you mean thoughts are not facts ? my thoughts are facts .. (i) just know they are tehhhhe .. ahh the insanity ... and the gentle 'light reminders .. recently i've also been hearing about the Exact nature of our wrongs .. and how the wrongs are the times we criticise ourselves, get hard on ourselves, blame, etc.. the exact nature of our wrongs for example for me is that the alcoholics defined me from a very early age and sent me messages of what I can't do by not allowing me to participate, etc.. that and all of he definite addict thinking I had no Real idea was even in the room .. it's hard for me to change because i truly believe some of those messages today but praise god for all his light because i am able to see what they are .. i can't see them until i see them but when i do then i know i can turn them over by admitting them outloud .. i am so grateful for the admitted to ourselves and to god And to another human being .. in my home we admitted to god often and to ourselves through confession but admission to another human being ?? lol well that was often unHeard of ..

maybe god never even intended for this man to remain in my life .. Some of him Always will but the rest is really in hp's hands .. love is the essence of all healing .. i read that this week and know when i'm beating me up i'm working against recovery so much easier to see than change but the changing is still taking place even as i type .. we really are miracles in progress .. thanks for being here with me ..

MeTwo2 · ~*Service Worker*~

and stinkin thinking ? thoughts being facts ? i hate to admit it but stinkin thinking was a major effect of alcoholism .. it was is will always be (to some degree) in all of us .. have to get out of my head and others .. i laugh at the other side of the street because i've been sharing in meetings .. I (See) what goes on on the other side of the street .. why on earth would i want to cross it .. and yet when the alcoholic waves the hands i still for so long have wanted to accept the invite .. course if there's an alanon meeting on My side of the street .. I would Much rather be there today ..

MeTwo2 · ~*Service Worker*~

last comment .. so much pain and still supportive .. can only happen through higher power's grace in the rooms and in us ..

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.