"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"

Aloha · ~*Service Worker*~

I think I'm leaving

Bargee · Veteran Member

I really do think I'm leaving my AH. I don't think I can take this anymore. Everything is being made to feel like it's my fault and everything about our relationship has changed. He went on another bender last night. Was meant to be looking after our daughter. He stopped drinking for a while while he was looking after her, but apparently I made him angry, so he started drinking again. He had had about 8 beers by the time I got home. But it's not just that anymore. I am sick of always being the one in the wrong. I ring him too much at work, and I admit I probably do, but I only ring during his breaks and not everytime. Keep in mind I am home by myself all day every day and I get lonely. Whatelse....I nag at him, I do nothing for him, he's given up lots for me and I've given up nothing for him, he supports me in everything I do etc etc. So anyway when he finally drags himself out of bed this morning, half an hour late, I try to just ignore what happened last night and talk to him like normal. I just get grunted at. I give him his lunch, say goodbye and I get a brief kiss and another snarl. I asked him not to be grumpy with me (WTF is angry with me for anyway!!!) I know I shouldn't have said it, and in my own stupid way I was just trying to be nice. Anyway he's angry with me because I snapped at him last night when he got home from work, and to be fair, I probably did, but why keep hanging on it. He holds onto to lots of things like that. Like when we are arguging he brings things up that I used to do, or once did in the past. I don't know what to think anymore. I love him so much, but after readidng lots of posts on here and seeing people who have been with their partners for long 15 plus years and they are still living like this. I'm scared of leaving him. Scared of being lonely and never finding anyone else. I'm 29 years old with a 3 month old baby and I wanted a big family. I'm scared of how difficult he's going to make it. Scared of having shared custody because I don't trust him to look after her anymore. At least if we are still togehter he won't be looking after her all day/night by himself and I can make sure she is safe. I'm not saying he is a bad Dad, but the alcohol is just more important.

This sounds terrible, but yesterday and last night a guy has been texting me. My brother gave him my number. He know's I'm married and have a baby. Nothing has been said and I would NEVER cheat, but it's made me think even more, that maybe there is someone out there who will be nice to me. Who will still want me despite everything. I'm so confused. I wish I knew what to do. I wish I didn't still love my husband. Why do I still love him after everything that has happened?

I'm planning on going to my first Alanon meeting tonight.

I just want the man back that I fell in love with, but I fear that he was never really there in the first place.

katfshh · Senior Member

You are in a difficult spot. But, if you stay in this you have to know there is a risk. You already have a baby with him. Did you read the book, Getting Them Sober? It might help you to see that you may help him by leaving, even if it's just for a little while. You can always come back, he can always make a choice to get sober, and then you will support him. You don't have to do this forever. I am stuck in a similar situation, but I don't have any children with my AF, and I am financially independent. And even with that, I don't want to lose him. But, going through the bender, binges, etc. It's too miserable to live through over and over. So, at some point we have to draw our line in the sand. I am hoping I am at that line. Not positive though.

Bargee · Veteran Member

It's just so hard.
I am so lost.

orchidlover · ~*Service Worker*~

I did a lot of calling to the ex A. I think it was multiple times a day. Of course he hated it. I found it pretty hard to break that habit. One way I did was to be on the message board for this site. The live meeting room is always full of people who were able to talk and I was able to resist the impulse.

I also fought continously with the ex A. I found a lot of reason to and he fought back. We were really a spectacle and this was progressive. I was always enmeshed with him.

I think the al anon tools of detachment focusing on myself and working a program that way helped me to get detached from the constant and enduring drama. I also had a counselor.

I had some images of finding someone else before I left the ex A too. I didn't find anyone who wasn't exactly like him because I didn't have good boundaries and I was still pretty attached to being needed.

I'm so glad you are here. I can understand all your reservations about leaving and staying. I had many of them too and I didn't make a decision until I was ready. Only you will know when and if that is.

Maresie.

Bargee · Veteran Member

Thank you so much.
I feel such a mess.
I'm trying to keep myself together for the sake of my daughter who is the absolute love of my life, but there is a huge part of me that just wants to let myself fall apart at the seams.
It's not only my marriage falling apart, but my whole 'idea' of my life.
The hopes and dreams that I have for our life.
I guess that I am grieving for all of that.
I am so angry with him for being like this and I know people will tell me it's not him, it's the disease, but right now to me that just feels like it's an excuse for him to be an absolute ars@hole!!!
So yeah I am angry. Stupidly, furisoulsy angry and yet I have no where that I can direct this anger.
I am a compete and utter basket case

orchidlover · ~*Service Worker*~

Well I know my younger sister inherited the disease at a very early age. She began drinking when she was 16. At the same time she's a very intelligent person, very resourceful and if she wanted to could seek recovery. I think the disease can really confound many of us.

I do know that recovery is out there if people want it. To get to that point is sometimes pretty mysterious for the rest of us. Keep in mind that even if someone is sober it doesn't mean that they will necessarily be willing to look at and change some of the issues that go along with drinking.

Maresie.

Dolly Llama · Senior Member

The things said really have nothing to do with us. Hard to believe, but it's not personal. In my case, the words bothered me because they touched on something I already believed about myself deep down.

Working on my own life and self respect helped me detach from the A's words and actions.

Do go to meetings. If nothing else, it is so nice to be treated with love and respect for a change.

Sometimes we have to let go of our fantasy life, our expectations for what "could/should" have been in order to receive the wonderful gifts that life/HP has in store for us. I was where you are a few months ago. I was a mess, girl! If you had told me then that I would be starting a wonderful new career, excited and happy about life every single day, living in paradise and making new authentic friends, I would have not believed it. But here I am. All I had to do was let go of my fantasy, step into reality, and focus on what I COULD control (myself). It takes courage, lots of help, and faith in yourself. You can do it. Do one thing a day that will get you closer to your goals for yourself...one step, one day at a time.

A word of caution- do be careful to deal with your feelings and current situation before becoming entangled in some romantic escape fantasy. Get yourself right first, and the right man will come along at the right time. There are thousands of men out there who would just love to date a wonderful, positive minded single mother with her act together. And there are many who would love to play hero to an emotionally fraught, self admitted basketcase...but I would strongly recommend against that or you will likely find yourself in the same unhappy situation, just with a different man. You are not desperate. Your situation may be hopeless, but you are not. There are worse things than being lonely...like living with someone who is mean to you. You can make your life so full without a man so that crippling feeling of loneliness is not on the menu anymore.

Bargee · Veteran Member

I so wish I coud be as strong as you all are.
I was for a long time, but this last week has compeletly undone me.
I can't stop crying and I truely feel like I am going crazy.
I just spoke to my Mother in Law who is a recovering alcoholic herself. She told me much of the same things you have said as well as saying that I helped to turn my Husbands life around and that she believes we are sole mates and that we can work through this.
I feel so guilty for texting this other guy, but it was so nice to have someone 'interested' in me. I know what you are saying about getting myself stronger etc before meeting anyone else and to be honest I'm not even interested in meeting anyone else, but for some reason having this guy show interest in me has made me feel worse in a way.
Is is normal to feel this screwed up.
I know my Husband hasn't hit rock bottom, but I have.

canadianguy · ~*Service Worker*~

I'm planning on going to my first Alanon meeting tonight.

This was the line that made me have some comfort about your post, as your discomfort level (rightfully so) is obvious right now.... Choosing recovery - for you - really can be your ticket to serenity, and the place you need to get to, in order to make some of these bigger, life-changing decisions.... What you are going through right now is highly traumatic, and going through it alone is extremely difficult.

This board can help, and supplement your recovery, but Al-Anon is where the real recovery occurs...

Take care

Tom

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

((((Bargee)))) you're not alone and I'm also in support with the rest of the family here. Have a great meeting. smile

Bargee · Veteran Member

Thanks for your support.
Yes Aloha I have already recognised what he has said is bugging him, and I'm already working on changing that.
I have 'changed' so much for him already.
I never used to cook tea (he did, but one of the reasons I never cooked was because it was the only house hold chore that he ever did, and I felt like he should be contributing to the house hold jobs in some way), but anyway he bitched and moaned how I never cooked so lately I've been making a huge effort to cook a least twice, sometimes three times and sometimes every night. Also I try my hardest not to mention his drinking, although this is still definately a work in progress. Anyway I know what you mean about changing my behaviour, however I'm scared of becoming a pushover too. Is it hard to achieve the right balance? I am one of those people who try to do everything to please everybody and I'm worried of falling into this trap too deeply with him. I don't think he has any idea how much I do for him now.

Thank you so much everybody. Talking to you all has definately calmed me down today.

I have kind of come to the conclusion that I will stay in the house for now, but I am going to make a big effort to live my life and not my life around him (although he would say I do that already!!!). It might be easier now as I go back to work on Monday too.

Dolly Llama · Senior Member

Here's the deal on balance and not being a pushover...I'll use your cooking statement- "he bitched and moaned how I never cooked so lately I've been making a huge effort to cook..."

Questions for self-reflection: Do you enjoy cooking? If yes, then do you enjoy cooking whether or not there is someone else to eat your cooking? Would you cook anyway? Would you still enjoy cooking if the other person eating your food did not appreciate it or care about the time and effort you put into it?

If you do not enjoy cooking, do you get pleasure from the act of cooking, i.e. selfless service to your loved ones?

If you don't like cooking but do it out of guilt or obligation or fear of the person's response (I would exclude cooking for the care of children, that is something different) then that is an indication of doing something out of manipulation/codependent stuff.

If you do like cooking, but get your panties in a twist if your partner does not appreciate your time and effort, then that is an indication that your expectations need to be checked. (This was one of my issues!)

I eventually learned to cook for the pure pleasure of cooking, and for my own enjoyment of a wonderful meal. My AH could have cared less if I slapped together a quick sandwich or spent hours carefully selecting thoughtful ingredients and preparing a meal with artful attention. So, I learned to cook for ME. If he enjoyed it, great. If not, well I had a good time anyway.

I hope this example makes sense. You are a grown up and I assume he is as well. It is not your responsibility to feed him. Cook if you truly want to, if it truly gives you enjoyment to provide a fine meal for your loved ones. If other stuff is going on there, then reflect on that, talk about it in a meeting, and use it as a valuable lesson for self-growth.

Bargee · Veteran Member

Thanks Dolly Llama,

It certainly makes sense and when I think about it I guess it's a combination of the first two points. I don't overly enjoy cooking (sometimes I do), but I do like providing a nice meal for my AH. However it has got to the point where I do feel like I HAVE to cook to keep him happy.
I know that I do too much for other people, to make them happy and my AH isn't the only person that I do this for. It is something I have been doing my whole life. I have depression and this is one of the things that has come up when I've been talking to my counsellor. For me 'making people happy' means that I am happy and that they will love me. I have got better at it, but I think where my AH is involved he gets on these rants that I do nothing for him, which of course preys on this old habit of how I have to do something to make him love me etc etc. Vicous circle.
Also I am scared to ask him to help me out around the house because that seems to make him angry. He is always tired and says I'll do it later (and he never does). I used to get angry about it and would say something (I still do sometimes), which would then cause a big fight. Now however I hardly bother saying anything because it's easier, but now I am left doing everything, including picking his clothes up off the bathroom/bedroom floor and putting them in the laundry, to changing the toilet roll, which he seems completely incapable of doing!!! I then grow resentful that I now feel like the maid. Is this me being a pushover? The reason I do it is to keep the peace and if I just left it, it would just get more and more messy and that would drive me nuts too. I have thought about just putting all his dirty clothes in a corner of the room and refusing to move them/wash them unless he takes them to the laundry. Right now though it's just not worth the fight that it would cause.
Gosh I've moaned a lot today. Sorry.

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

Someone told me early in recovery -"You have no idea what a wonderful person you are." I was like "wow. really?" I didn't feel that way for another several months of recovery work. I will now tell you that You have no idea what a wonderful person you are also. Your journey in Alanon can be about getting to know that and to stop hinging your ideas about self, feelings about self, and your security on him.

I also identify with other things you wrote. It sounds codependent and what not but it was when I pondered the fact that I could find other people who would treat me a lot better and that I was actually not a burden but a catch - Shortly after that, I walked out. I was too scared to be alone so the thought that I could at least get treated better by someone else was a huge motivator.

Of course now I see that I was better off on my own and working on myself then made my relationships with others better - It was all too much at first though. 1 day at a time and just do the next right thing for you and your child. Don't look too far beyond the very next right thing to do or else the changes will make you too anxious to do anything true to yourself (whether that be leaving or not - going to meetings - building friendships....whatever).

Prayers are with you.

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

The book "Getting Them Sober" by Toby Rice Drews saved me also did the books "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie and "In All Our Affairs". Keep coming back, make it to meetings and read Al-anon literature and dive into taking care of yourself. I find the more I dive into taking care of me the more energy I have to give. I am sending you love and support on your journey!

sweeetr · Senior Member

Bargee, your original post describes my world(except for an extra friend calling). I do work. But with no ins and would not be able to ever afford it. Our seven yr old I would never trust with him. I also help support my elderly mother at times. I don't want this life for ever either. But not knowing what else to do. I'm staying and working on my own situation. My AH makes a lot of money and is a functioning full blown alcoholic/addict. We have separate accts and he gripes of I use his money. I live pay check to pay check and he sits with $16000 in acct He takes a lot of cash withdrawals for his habits. It's so frustrating

leel · Member

Its funny how u think that u are the only one in a particular situation.

and then u read someones else,and its the same as you pretty much! We are all just trying to do the best we can in this messy world. No one wants to be a victim,or blame our partners or not be fully responsable in life.

I'm having a child with someone I chose,I knew he had a problem,and by GOD I have a lot of my own....

Somedays,I'm super happy....because I feel lucky to be able to even be in a position to have a child financially before I'm too old. And its something that I wanted to experience in life very much.

Somedays I like my boyfriend. I think he is a hard working person with a good heart,and lots of qualities that I would like in the father of my child.

Then....he drinks,hes a child,hes an idiot....and it reminds me of my childhood...my parents...drunk....and making me as a child,so sad....and all the sad things that happened because of their drinking....

I'm filled with compassion with people in this world. How could I not be...My mother developed schizophrenia after having postpartum psychosis....and never recovered...my father witnessed this at a young age,with two children to raise....then married a very priveleged lawyer,who by the age of 42 had 5.0 alcohol in her system...very expensive whiskey.....why? did she die.... She had everything to live for...WHO CARES> Alcoholism is alcoholism....and life is HARD......for the wealthy see horror,as do the poor....

But,I need to know other people are going through the same struggles. I dont hate myself anymore for the way my life turned out.Its like a waste of time....I just want to try maximise my opportunity for the best outcomes everyday. And that can be so enormously challenging,RIGHT?

But....I do know ONE thing. I hate my bf when he is like this...I dont care that he listens to martina mcbrides in my daughters eyes and is happy to have a daughter on the way...He is drunk,he is a pig.And thats it. This drunk man,is a pig. And thats how I feel about him right now.Pregnancy hormones and all..Alanon has made me realise that with my background its normal for me to hate it.And whether I DO stay with him,whether his behaviour changes,or stays the same. Whether my daughter is affected by his behaviour,.....as of course she would....all I know...is I need HELP...to deal,to stay calm.....and shes lucky to have that...and so am I.So thankyou guys.

Bargee · Veteran Member

Hi all,

We had an ok day today I guess although last night was close to turning to crap.
I was planning on going to a Alanon meeting and stupid stupid me, let him talk me out of it. Here is the story....
He didn't come home from work, so at 6 I rang him. What a surprise he was having a drink. I wasn't planning on leaving my daughter with him anyway, but it pissed me off all the same. He didn't know that I wasn't going to leave our daughter with him and he knew that I wanted to go out.
Anyway he said that I could go and pick him up if I wanted. He doesn't normally offer to come home and I did think about it, but I didn't want to 'make' him come either as I end up 'paying' for this later when he starts his ranting at me, so I told him to do what he wanted and he told me he'd just get a ride home from someone then.
I told him that Mum had offered to look after our D and that I was going out.
He then said, "oh well if she's looking after her, I've just found out my friend is having a leaving party and I wouldn't mind going for an hour.' I just replied 'whatever then' he then asked me if I wanted to go. I was gob smacked!! This never happens!! I said to him that I was going to go to a meeting and he said 'Just go next week'. I have no idea why I agreed to go and put my plans on the back burner again!!! Why?????
Anyway I didn't know anyone there at all and when I had asked him whose party it was he couldn't even remember this "good mate's" name! How good a mates were they then!!! Yes I know it was just an exucse to drink.
While we were there I went to the toliet and came back and he had vanished!!!! Stood there like an idiot by myself. When he came back I said to him that I had felt like an idiot and could next time he just wait till I came back so that I at least knew where he was and I wouldn't have to stand there like a dick!! His reply "feeling like a dick is good for you!" God I so could have punched him!!
As we were leaving he said to me that he hadn't bought me a Mothers Day gift cause we had no money. Which is true as we are only on one wage (till Monday), but he had mangaed to buy himself a box of 12 beers the night before!! Before I could stop myself I made the comment "well you had money last night!!" He knew what I meant and just stopped talking to me. Stupid I know, but I was so hurt. Yeah I know Mothers Day is comercial and overated but it is my first ever Mothers Day and I had thought I'd get a card at least!!
Anyway I guess I shouldn't complain because I think he borrowed money off his Mum today and went and bought something, but I still feel hurt and resentful about it.
I had a big talk to his Mum about what has been going on and I guess it has made me feel better.
I tried really hard to feel love for him today, but I just couldn't do it. Right now I hate him so much.
It's our D's christening tomorrow and we're having a BBQ at our place for lunch afterwards. I don't think he had bought any beer, but I'm still scared stiff.

((leel)) - I'm glad you feel a little bit less alone. It's nice (is that the right way to describe it) to read other's posts and realise that there are people out there who feel exaclty the same as you do.

Hope everyone's weekends are as peaceful as you can hope for.

sookie · Senior Member

Really hope you can get to a meeting. Your words and emotions describe how I lived before Al-Anon. Constantly *terrified* about his drinking while caring for my daughters. All I knew was anxiety and fear, especially around any holiday or social event.

It ALL changed after i crawled through the doors of my first meeting and i kept going back 4 nights a week for probably 5 months. I cried non-stop at every meeting for months. But I have grown stronger and it can get better. If you cannot get to meetings, I hope you can read some literature and keep coming back here. Best wishes...!

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

The emotional terrorism and there is no other way for me to describe it .. THAT is what is so hard on a daily basis. Wondering what shoe was going to drop, which personality for either of us (my AH or myself) was going to appear.

Alanon so saved my life and this board has enriched my life beyond belief. I have been able to put into play all of the years of therapy I have been through as well as get basic tools on how to live life on a daily basis.

I also hope you find a meeting because it does get better. There are meetings here online if you can't make face to face .. there is something about those face to face meetings that mean everything!!! To really sit and be with other people who get where you are at, .. who understand how hard it is to live in constant chaos and there is sun behind the clouds. Yes, it's not always easy, alanon doesn't make all of my problems go away however WOW .. I so prefer to live in this life than the one I had and I so love the person I am becoming.

Hugs P :)

Bargee · Veteran Member

Well I went along to my first meeting tonight and no one was there.
It's the only meeting that I know of in my area, although I have heard there is one on Tues nights about 15 mins from me.
I don't know why no one was there. I'm positive I had the right day, time and place.
I feel gutted and upset and teary.
It took so much courage for me to go and it all amounted to nothing.
I'm really struggling to like my AH right now.
I wish I didn't feel so alone in my marriage.

Dolly Llama · Senior Member

I'm sorry, Bargee. Sometimes meetings aren't as active, it's a total bummer. You might try calling the local main number and checking to see what meetings are more robust. And I confess, I sat in MANY church parking lots before I found the courage to step inside a meeting room. It was so hard at first, especially with the anxiety and perception of rejection that many of us live with before we get into recovery. That you made the effort to go was a huge step. It wasn't for nothing. You got out of the house for a while. Please keep trying. I have driven 45 minutes away to get to an active meeting, they are that worth it to me.

It's okay to not like your AH at the moment. I don't really like mine either. :)

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.

"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"