The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
What does your Higher power say? What does your sponsor say? When I get stuck, I make that call, and in early recovery, I did it every single day.
Until I know the exact nature of MY wrong in why I suffer, things will never change. Over time, my sponsor was able to see my behavior patterns, we would do spot-check inventories often. It seemed like everybody in the world was an a**hole trying to take advantage of me, until I learned my part in the dance....
I eventually learned that Higher power doesn't choose us over the alcoholic, we are all equals. Step 4 helps me understand what's really happening and I have learned, I am never upset for the reason I think...
My experience was, I never gave myself the love and care I was extending to others, I seemed to care MORE for others than myself with the attitude, "sure, I'll suffer, better me than you." My people-pleasing abilities were over the top because I believed I had to EARN love, approval, appreciation and validation. I didn't give enough care to myself, so I became a bitter, resentful person, whacking people out of my life when they "took advantage" of me, not realizing, or remembering that it was me who had volunteered!
The problem is me, was always me. The spiritual lesson was for me to learn how to love and value myself too. Today, I get to choose. I didn't know better before.
Maybe you'll like this version of the Golden rule as much as I did: "Treat yourself as you would treat others." This could be an opportunity for you to practice that golden rule. If your experience is anything like mine, you'll get MANY opportunities to practice self-care, again and again, and EACH time you choose to honor yourself, you'll feel stronger. I lost my self in every way living with alcoholism, but it's never too late to get your self-esteem back.
It's not about making anyone the enemy, it's about you surrendering your lack of self-care, surrendering your low self-esteem, the past we cannot change. Today, it's about making amends to yourself, about honoring yourself and letting the chips fall where they may, it's about the courage to change the things you can. It's between the Old you and the You you wish to become. That's how it works for me.
Special thanks for your post, I really needed it today ((hugs))
-- Edited by glad lee on Tuesday 8th of May 2012 09:52:06 PM
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The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
I believe that guilt is a huge component of what I am dealing with. I don't know if this is common for any of you all, but I have a lot of guilt that I throw on myself even though I know it's not rational, at all.
For instance, AH has supposedly lost his license for the month of May. I told him that I won't drive him to his tennis engagements on Sundays because it's a 40 min drive and he's usually gone for about 4 hours. I need that time to do laundry, write up my son's lesson plans, go grocery shopping, etc. I told him that I would drive him, though, if I was included in the tennis so I asked him to ask his friends(these friends are an older couple we've been friends with for 15 years and they are like my surrogate parents) if I could play in for the month. It's just that, to me, if I'm not making good use of my time out there then I can be home getting things done. I don't want to sit there in the heat for 2 hours just watching him play tennis and I thought it was a fair offer. My AH said, "Don't worry I've got it taken care of." I asked him if he would ask them if I could play, and he just kept repeating the: I've got it taken care of, don't worry. UGH, how hard would it have been for him to just tell the truth and ask if I could participate?
So, now I feel guilty that I am depriving my friend's of my AH's tennis skills. Yes, my AH used to be a tennis pro and he's quite good as a player and our friends have been playing tennis with him every Sunday for the past 13 years. I know it's only for a month so why do I feel guilty? Well, I guess that's because I am terrible at setting boundaries and lousy at sticking up for myself and now I feel guilty that I actually set a fair boundary. UGH. And, since I have no idea as to what AH told them, I feel that my relationship with them will be tenuous if I see them in the near future.
Um, if anyone is depriving your friends of AH's tennis skills, it's AH.
Even if you wanted to sit home and chill out all day, it doesn't make you obligated to haul him around to tennis matches like he's a 9 year old. He's a grown man. His response to you was defensiveness, plain and simple. It worked to make you feel guilty. What a neat trick.
Boundaries and sticking to them take practice, just like anything else we are learning for the first time. Be easy with yourself. Get some positive self talk going.
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Only to the extent that we expose ourselves over and over to annihilation can that which is indestructible be found in us. -from Pema Chödron's When Things Fall Apart
First off .. here's my take .. if he really wants to get there he's going to ask OR he's going to find an alternative way there .. that is not your business to fix or worry about. Your business is taking care of you. Which you sound like you are really trying to do without the lovely twinges of self induced guilt. Second off, .. his relationship with these people once again his business .. you don't have to be the truth teller, you don't have to rat him out. Trust me when I say his truth will come out at some point and time.
This issue to fix is not on you. He's given you an answer that he's got this .. let him have it .. let him be the one to deal with the issue. I can pretty much say without hesitation even though we don't know what goes on in the mind of another person .. chances are he's told enough truth to allow himself to be ok with what he's said. He's probably relieved you aren't going because you may blow his story.
Take small steps in the changes you are making and you are making them. It's overwhelming to set big boundaries when the little ones are just as hard as the big ones. You have the right to change your mind, boundaries are flexible. The bottom line is if you take him to his tennis stuff are you going to be resentful or is it just something you would be happy to do. Not you should be happy doing it .. would you be happy doing that? How would you feel if you did take him to the match? When it was over are you practicing being the grieving widow or are you happy just to spend some time with him in the car? Check your motives is what I'm trying to say .. LOL!
Hugs have a great day and put a different spin on the guilt. What are you getting out of feeling guilty? What is the emotional payoff? For me the guilt when I hang on to it only allows me to remain stuck in what I'm currently doing .. and what I am currently doing if I remain stuck in the guilt isn't working for me.
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Dolly, I know that deep down inside and then the guilt comes creeping up. OH, and I do cart my 13 year old around to his own matches and that's enough driving for me, LOL. Well, this Sunday AM issue will definitely be a boundary for me anyway because I've recommitted myself to attending church and I want to go on Sundays. He's going to have to make a few decisions in the future about what is important to him and what isn't, but I have to rid myself of my own guilt in the process. It's not easy, I've been way too hard on myself for way too long!
Yeah, I had a lot of guilt after he got his DUI and couldn't drive for a month and then after that it was only business driving for 6 months. I told him I wouldn't drive him to work either. I would drive him to his AA meetings and wait outside. That was all.
The guilt I had to work out was the guilt that I was stepping away from the communication and closeness and "coupleness" of the marriage. What I had to work out was that he had already started the process with all his drinking and black outs and all the fallout of his drinking. He had already stepped away from the marriage and he was using my guilt to manipulate me. Oh, he can say he didn't manipulate me, but with all the lack of communication and my own guilt of "lack of coupleness", I could easily fall into his manipulation.
That was just my working through it all for the last 10 years.
You know what else...who are we to deny them the lesson in being inconvenienced? Courts suspend people's license for a reason...and it's not to burden the family/friends by providing rides at will. Maybe if they remember what a headache it was to not be able to drive, how they missed out on things, or had to wait around until someone could transport them...they would think twice about drinking and driving next time.
It's not our job to buffer the consequences of a DUI, that's all. In fact, I think feeling the full force of that is really important...not as punishment or to manipulate them...
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Only to the extent that we expose ourselves over and over to annihilation can that which is indestructible be found in us. -from Pema Chödron's When Things Fall Apart
Put down the stick. I felt absolutely overly responsible for the ex A. If he didn't have a car, didn't have a job I dropped everything.
Who said boundaries happen overnight. No one is an expert day one.
I also tried to control everything around me. Since I've been working on minding my own business its been easier. Where we begin and end is pretty hard in a alcoholic relationship. They blur the lines so skillfully.
For me the guilt usually comes from not believing I deserve to set those boundaries. I have to give myself a pep talk and determine if it's appropriate guilt. I'm Catholic, it's nearly never appropriate, it's like genetically branded in. But at any rate - I have to remind myself it's OK to take care of myself before others sometimes!
Glad Lee, you always have the best answers. And the part I love best is this: It's between the Old you and the You you wish to become. It's exactly what my therapist and I were talking about today. Thank you for sharing!
