why - Al-Anon Family Group

HAguirre · Member

why

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Why? Because he is not working on his disease. Drinking or using is just ONE symptom of being A.

We use the analogy of it's just fruitcake with out the nuts.

A's wiring is totally different than non A's. They need to learn not to be selfish, immoral , not lie, be dependable, respectful for example.

That's why its called Recovery for the rest of their lives, it is not curable.

Just not using can be even worse than when they use. Sooo we go to Al Anon, we come here, we learn how to make ourselves do better and what they do is up to them.

Dear my husband learned to come home and ask me how my day was!! He did not know how to ask a question or why it mattered!!! Being an
A is so deep. Honestly when they say they don't know, they really don't.

I hope you keep coming. I am so sorry things are so rough for you.

Al Anon can make your lives so much better. Love,debilyn

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

Hugs HA,

The "why's" of the question aren't nearly as important as the "what's". What are you doing to take care of you? Do you have a support group for yourself? Are you attending meetings?

What Deb has said is so true .. the drinking is only a symptom of a much deeper issue. I think of an ice burg with a tip of it sticking out of the ocean .. when you look at what is underneath the water there is soooo much more under there that needs to be addressed. Without some kind of support, without a program of recovery it is only a matter of time before an A will start drinking again. The A in my life is active again .. he is actively drinking. He went for a long period of time without drinking however other things popped up. Until an A starts addressing what is really going on which is the shame, guilt, blame, pain ALL of the emotions that the addiction represses they are only addressing part of the issue .. and it's a small part.

Sooo .. what are you doing for you? He's going to work a program of sobriety or not, he's going to drink or not drink .. the most important question is what are YOU going to do? Expecting him to make apologies for things he can't begin to cope with is truly an unrealistic expectation. He has no tools to do so. Neither do you .. he may have drank and dealt with his issues in that way .. however .. what you have dealt with on the other side needs to be addressed for you.

Hugs P :)

tiredtonite · Veteran Member

Getting sober and keeping sober for 11 months is a miracle. Keep taking care of you. Alanon meetings will help for working through feelings concerning what he is and isn't doing and helps family to better understand the effects of alcoholism on them. I hope you keep coming back and keep recovering with us. Welcome! TT

Tigger · Senior Member

Hi there. The making amends step doesn't come til way later in the programme. My question is...how do you know if he is working it??? He may just be on Step One, accepting his powerlessness over alcohol...which if he has successfully stayed sober for 11 months sounds like it could be. I have to constantly remind myself to ocus on working my own steps (including my own amends and seeing my own part in the chaos of my relationships with As). If I start taking their in entry instead of my own and judging what stage they should be in their process, I know I need to get back onto my own Step One. Hope this helps, if it doesn't resonate feel free to ignore it, but I know it is true for me. Hugs...Tigger x

maryjane · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi,
The drinking is a symptom of a deeper disease.... a mental disease. Don't ask why. Don't try to figure out why. Don't try to understand. If you aren't an alcoholic, you won't understand anyway. You would just be spinning your wheels and wasting your time. You can't understand this. I did not grow up in this disease and it totally blind-sided me.

You have to decide if you want him. Simple as that. Is there still someone in there that you want? Some decide yes and others decide no. I, personally, have been married for 41 years.... and he stopped drinking 12 years ago. There is still a lot of hurt in me and a lot of times that I seriously want to hurt him. I don't because I know it is the affects of his disease on me and it is my job to fix me. But I have to re-evaluate all the time (one day at a time) if I still want to be married. So far it has been yes, but I know it is a one day at a time kind of disease.

Don't sit around and wait for the "I'm sorry". I did that for a few years before I figured out it won't happen. He won't say it. That is his personality.

Your job is to make yourself happy and create a lifestyle for your children that they can be happy. It may be with him. It may be around him. It may be without him. I don't know you or him so this is entirely up to you. We can't tell you anything more except that YOU have to make yourself happy.

abbyal · ~*Service Worker*~

Sometimes all an alcoholic can do is Not Drink , amends come in all forms lower your expectations enjoy the good days .

orchidlover · ~*Service Worker*~

a lot of alcoholics don't go through the program. I know a recovering alcoholic at the moment who is mystified why his family is still mad at him for all the problems he put them through. He expects them to jump to it to forgive him for whatever right away.

For so many alcoholics they maintain their denial at so many levels for a long long time.

I can also say that in my own issues it has taken me years to get to how out of control my behavior was around the alcoholic. I know I upset so many people by the over reactions I had to his disease. I also know that at that time that was all I could manage.

Maresie.

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

I have an Al-anon slogan on my board over my computer desk that says.... " Focus on the What's, the Why's will drive you crazy." Not sure where I got it, but it surely has helped me to change my focus of irrational behavior a time or two. I am sending you love and support on your journey!

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.