The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I will try to speak with my sponsor about this later today.
I am feeling shame because I have worked the steps through 8 & 9, and not find myself totally confused and angry and scared in a situation. Did I not work the steps well enough?
My boyfriend is a recovering Alcoholic, 20+ years of sobriety. He sponsors others, both in AA in Al-Anon.
I attend Al-Anon, a member for about 2 years.
My parents did not drink, but were dysfunctional. My mom is the daughter of an alcoholic (who came from a long line of alcoholics).
My mom is alternately warm and supportive, then critical and sometimes raging.
Anyway, let me get to the issue. My boyfriend was traveling for 1 week. When he returned (1 week ago now), I feld distant and not in the mood for lots of affection or sex. I am not sure why not. But this has happened before - that after not seeing him for a while, my first reaction is to be distant, less affectionate. Not sure why. It scares me because I can see how my mom would be distant to me and now I am doing it.
A few days after his return from his trip, we had still not had sex. In the middle of the night, he initiated sex and I was not in the mood but I went along with it. But I felt violated. I see that I violated me, because I did not say no.
I did not think I should say no, so I didn't. That is, I thought I should want to have sex and should welcome him home and not be distant.
Understandably, it hurt his feelings to know I did not want to and did anyway.
This week has proceeded from there, with me feeling distant and him feeling hurt. It seemed to me he was angry and I asked him about it, and my asking triggered of anger for him.
When he is angry, his face gets stiff, he sometimes talks to me lying down, or with his head back, his hand gestures get sharp.
This triggers me. I get scared. I need him to not be angry. I point out to him that this is happening. I ask him to not be angry.
He is angry that he would be asked to not be angry. A boundary violation because he has a right to his emotions.
Yes, I see that. I see that is a boundary violation if I ask him to not be angry and he is.
Later, he said he was no longer angry, just worn out, emotionally. His reactions were still stiff and sharp. I was reacting that way too.
Finally, after us trying to talk this out and share and find our parts in all of this, I will still just so stuck in the emotions.
And feeling hatred for him. Ugh, why hatred?!
So I asked him for space; I told him I did not know in that moment how to get out of the cycle and that as long as I kept trying and failing I was going to continue to feel anger, shame and feel bad about me. So he agreed to go home to his house.
Phew. A break.
But now I am left with this event. And trying to figure out what really happened.
Relationships are complicated aren't they. I dont' really have any ESH to offer you here but many other may that have been around longer than me, I just wanted to reply so you knew that someone was listening
Yes I can relate, I had a huge empty black hole in the middle of me and I always felt alone and unloved, I wanted my exAH to help fix me and fill me up, but he couldn't even do it for himself. When I learned to go to my HP (God) and get what I wanted, I was on the right track of feeling loved! I now take better care of myself and have stopped taking his drinking so personally. I can now say what I mean, mean what I say and not have to say it mean. I hope you are able to dive into your Al-anon program and not sure if you have read the book "Getting Them Sober" by Toby Rice Drews, but I have read it twice and it helped both times. Sending you love and support!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
This is a very helpful thread. The idea of going to one's higher power with the empty cup is so illuminating.
I've had that experience of feeling cold when someone comes back. I also had it just before they went. I think I was feeling abandoned. But I felt like I shouldn't feel that way, so I closed down my awareness.
I don't know what the good way to reconnect would be. My partner was not very emotionally aware, so when I felt abandoned and didn't act wisely in response, he descended into poor choices too, and the whole thing went downhill. I wish I'd gone to my higher power with the empty cup.
Thank you Breaking Free for your reply and support. I have seen that that book is mentioned on this site in a few places. Thus I just ordered in on Amazon.
Yes, this is so interesting - the empty needy cup. It dovetails for me with another forum string I read today about what is a Higher Power or how to have belief in a Higher Power.
I don't know what a Higher Power is, but I can certainly "get" the idea of praying to a higher power to help with my emotional neediness. And doing that before I go see my boyfriend, or a parent (my parents are big triggers for me).
I found something neat in "How Al-Anon works" on #40 "A minister works through childhood pain": "[I am] a hurt person trying to heal. Taking my Fifth Step, in which I admitted to God, to myself, and to another human being the exact nature of my wrongs, was a big help to me in establishing the realization that I didn't feel unhappy because I was bad or worthless, or even because God had destined me to a life of trials and tribulations, but that I felt unhappy because I was hurt. I do not behave in a morally reprehensible or unethical manner, but I do carry with me the hurt of growing up and subsequently living with alcoholism." "Taking my Fifth Step didn't solve my problems or miraculously lift a great burden from my shoulders. What it did, on the contrary, was to confirm that I had unfinished business in my life, that I still felt a degree of isolation and fear that I hadn't resolved, and that I wanted some help in sorting out my painful feelings..."
Relationships for me brought up so much about my childhood. The need, the anger, the shame, the desperate search for love. Ironically enough that's how we heal all that stuff.
My mother was totally psychotic most of the time but when she was in public she could assume this compliant, sweet, cooperative personage. She got through so much with that ability. Behind the scenes she was paranoid, irrational and absolutely driven with out of control emotions.
My father was a tinderbox of irrationality, violent outbursts, resentment and smoldering rage. Anything but anything could set him off. He had no ability to moderate that rage.
Naturally when I'm around certain people things come up. In addition I had sibling relationships where all of us did whatever we could to avoid being the target of our parents craziness. Neither one of my sisters is in recovery. They both use alcohol to mediate their rage. Their rage is pretty valid but how they manage it is of course destructive.
For me going into a relationship was a exercise in naivete. I had expectations such as yours of being all things to one person. I had expectations too of being all things to the other person and no ability to understand that isn't the case. No one is perfect. Expectations for me are so so key in managing how I am in the world. Nowadays I have reasonable expectations but when I was in a relationship they went to an extreme no one could have met. These days when I get "triggered" I am able to work out what happened and how. I am managing a trigger right now about my childhood that is still bothering me six months down the road. Maybe I will get to unearth it and work through it soon but the most important thing is I know I am "triggered" and I am not looking for sources outside of myself to solve it.
