The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have spent the whole week wound tight as a drum. Child support/attorneys fees payment hearing on Thursday with my ex (recall that I pay HIM child support and alimony, and now he wants me to pay his attorneys' fees for harassing me in court, all after I took a 65% paycut when I lost my job last year), my mother's memorial service on Saturday, and my first Mother's Day without my mom next weekend. I spent yesterday afternoon getting my paperwork together, trying to think through my arguments, praying for serenity during the hearing, etc. This morning I got up and drove the hour+ to court, only to walk in and not see our names on the docket.
I pulled out my stack of paperwork, and sure enough, the hearing is TOMORROW. So I drove the hour+ home, mostly in tears, mad at myself for losing a day's wages for my mistake, mad that I have to endure the stress of the anticipation of this for another 24 hours, mad that this whole mistake will create a logistical problem tomorrow getting out of town for the memorial service.
Sat on the couch in a funk/pity party all morning, til daycare called to say that my son was not feeling well. It was not mandatory that I go get him (he wasn't running a fever), but since we live 5 minutes away, I was home, and it was his naptime anyway, I went and got him. Brought him home, changed him into a fresh diaper and clothes, and put him down for his nap. Three hours later the poor guy is still asleep.
Continued my pity party, and when my AH left for work he tried to rekindle an "I love you more" joke from happier times. After an episode of verbal abuse last weekend that far surpassed anything he had unleashed before (on a scale of 1-10, I would give it a 28), needless to say, I was not in the mood for it. But there was no fight or drama. He just went to work, and I continued my pity party. Finally I got to drag out the suitcases and start packing up for me and the kids. As I did that, the tears started flowing again, mostly anger that I allow all this other extraneous crap to interfere with my ability to just GRIEVE my mom. And then I realized...my HP sent me down to court today. That's his way of telling me I needed this day to just be sad, feel my feelings, and mourn all that I have lost over these past few years. It has made it easier for me to let go a little of all the non-mom things that are bothering me, and just focus on missing her.
I swear there is a full moon looming as far as emotional ups and downs. It's so good that you had a down day today. I understand your frustration and where you are coming from. My little man stayed home today too. I have enjoyed having him home and look forward to tonight.
It's good to have some self care time and time to refocus what is really important. I am so sorry you are dealing with all this additional stress. Sending you lots of love and support.
Hugs P :)
__________________
Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
I have days when the stress feels unbearable. Lately in my program I've been working on circumventing it. I aim to leave work early on Saturday because I need a break. I am not going to beat myself up for it. For so so long my first response has always been to beat myself up. Now I'm trying to get to a balance.
I don't think there is a short cut for unraveling a relationship. I know the now ex A kept me running in circles for so long. I know I always felt so burdened by his tantrums and rages. Now I don't. I go out of my way not to engage with any other alcholics and that's tough because they certainly can seem really attractive at times. They can make the world seem so right and be so empathic......
I hope you will lean on this program to get through this difficult time.
If it helps any, think of what a great mom you are and celebrate that. You also learned much of that from your own mom so that pays tribute to her also.
