Fear is taking over, is it just cold feet???? - Al-Anon Family Group

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

Fear is taking over, is it just cold feet????

orchidlover · ~*Service Worker*~

I moved out from the ex A 5 years ago. Most of the time I didn't have time to look too far ahead in rebuilding a life. Now I do.

I know not bumping into the ex A has been so critical for me. I have learned he is not actually in the neighborhood that much but if I had stayed within distance of him it would have been very hard. The ex A like many A's is an incredible manipulator. His skills and social abilities are really what has held him over from decades of using.

I mourned my home with the ex A for years. I had a garden, three bedrooms and more. I also had the headache of living around him. I put a great deal of effort, $$$ and care into that home. I felt wretched when I left.

Its taken me years to get to a place where I can stop for a moment to rebuild. I've worked more than one job too and I can tell you the exhaustion just isn't worth it. The sense of always being on a ferris wheel running is absolutely terrible. One of my core goals is onto to work in a store this Christmas and if I absolutely have to make it near my home. Reducing stress is so so key to me these days. I find it a great tool in turning down certain situations.

I can't tell you what's right or what's wrong. I do know adding up the pluses is a big issue for me. I want stability, calm and serenity these days. I no longer need or am magnetized by chaos and manipulation.

Maresie.

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

Hugs BF,

Of course it is .. it's kind a mix between what you know and the unknown. At least for me that's what it is .. and that's a scary feeling. Knowing the two headed dragon you have and are you trading them for a three headed one.

Pray pray pray, .. keep giving it over. HP did not bring you this far to drop you on your hinney now. It sounds to me like you have done all of the necessary footwork and now it's time to trust your HP.

Nothing that has brought you this far has been wrong. It's made you the woman you are today.

Hugs P :)

glad lee · ~*Service Worker*~

I did this, yes. Life keeps happening ((my friend)) Today you have a guide to show you how to get through, use it 24/7. It's the same guide I used to move from one state to another, after my divorce....

Just stay in the day. When I go off into the future, it becomes overwhelming. But HP never asked me to do that, HP says, "trust me." I would make reminder notes and leave em all around the house. None of us get a crystal ball anyway, it's a total illusion if we think we EVER know what the future will look like, right?

No doubt, I went back and forth from faith to fear... faith to fear... like a ping-pong ball. That's what "taking it back" looks like, when I'm not calm anymore. Life I tell God, "go ahead, take the wheel" but then I become a backseat driver because I'm not really trusting, I think I know how to drive better than God, lol

When I am in step 3, I can relax. All I tried to focus on, is doing the next right thing as I believed my Higher power would have me do.... and then rely on HP.

You can do that, my friend. If I can do it, anyone can.

As for grieving my old home, I took the suggestion of taking my energy with me before I closed the door... and I can tell you privately how I did that, if you have interest. I rarely think about that house anymore, it was just another house supplied by my Higher power. Higher power has me in a different house today, in a major metropolitan city and I love it.

Nothing stays the same, but it's all God. (((hugs)))

Temple · ~*Service Worker*~

Dear Free:
Oh good for you!
I have no experience moving without a mate. But then, I always do all the hard work when we move and DDH comes in at the last minute and vetoes my getting rid of anything I need to do. So the details/logistics I'd be able to handle.
And I think if you focus on the children (and the dog) and what you are doing for them, it will get you through.
My daughter moved to Europe with her two children and lived in a tiny apartment with no dryer and got training so she could move as far away as the law would allow from her husband, after the divorce.
After a year she came back to the same state and moved into a house she hadn't seen in person--as far away as she could. He isn't an alcoholic, but has enough personality disorder issues to act just about the same.
Being an inconvenient distance from the former spouse has been a Godsend for her.
And she knows that taking care of her childrens' mother is one of the best things she can do for them. Cause when she's happy.....
A happy thought: When you aren't working all those crazy hours, you'll be able to do fun things on the weekends. I hope you'll still be close enough to the Lake to go there a lot in the summer. We lived near the Indiana Dunes a long time ago and it was wonderful. If not, there have to be other fun places in Wisconsin.
I think you'll be fine.
Thank you on behalf of animal lovers everywhere for not taking a place that meant you can't have the dog. I never could get my head around that.
We'll be here cheering you on and what a great example you are to those who haven't done it all yet.
Oh, and my best experience would be: I do best when I don't try to stifle feelings--when I feel them and then let them go. Pushing them down is like trying to keep a beach ball under water. It all warrants some grieving--it is better for me if I grieve when it comes up and then move on when I can.
Hugs,
Temple

Dolly Llama · Senior Member

Breakingfree, I've moved solo many times. After my 1st divorce, I donated all my furniture and packed up my car, driving from Virginia to Miami (I cried for about 100 miles!). Then I moved to Kuwait, Germany, England, back to Virginia, and now California, all by myself. A month ago I left the apartment I shared with my soon to be ex AH and am staying in temporary rentals until I'm done with my military training.

My advice is to have faith in yourself. You will get through. I know how emotional packing can be. I'm somewhat of a minimalist (probably because I have moved so much, lol), so I tend to donate and toss stuff rather than haul it along. It's just stuff, it can be replaced. This has helped me really tap into that "fresh start" mentality and build from the ground up. I found it such a liberating experience. It feels so scary and uncertain at the time...but there is something magical about truly leaving the physical past behind.

It sounds like you understand that there are always compromises to make, and for what it's worth it also sounds like you are making good choices for yourself and your kids. The bike, well, you can get a stand for it or if you are allowed to put big holes in the wall, you can mount it vertical so it won't take up floor space. You might find somewhere in the apartment complex where other people store their bikes as well. If it comes down to it, a small storage unit isn't that expensive (here in Southern California, they start at around $30 a month).

Just stay focused on the positives. Before you know it, your new home will feel like *home*. It is an adjustment, but change is just part of life. Try and embrace it! One thing I like about apartment living is that, even though I rarely see or interact with my neighbors (unless I want to), I have that sense of other people being around. It helps with the loneliness and my sense of security/safety. Most folks just want their privacy, too.

Moving is inherently stressful. Stay organized, make lists, take it one step at a time. Ask for help as you need it. Breathe. You will be just fine!

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Change whether good or bad is always stressful. I know when I feel ambivalent, which is not often, it's cuz I am tired.

This step sounds like a good one. You can keep your dog, good school for kiddo and you can meet some goals.

Day at a time. You know I left my five acre, three bedroom home. Walked away from the memories, good and bad.

It was strange at first to be up here, but I had nowhere else to go. Just told myself it would get better, and it sure did.

It's perfectly natural to be nervous about moving. I know I made friends very easily up here. It sorta just happens, you just start talking to someone and ya feel a connection. You will have Al Anon, that will help. Surely you will make friends at school too.

I had to push myself to talk to people,my way was to ask questions. Just simple stuff. Usually the profs will have you work in groups too. Math labs are good for meeting people too, that is for sure a great way to meet others.

Everyone is so stressed that they don't "get it" lol that being shy is no problem anymore.

Seriously, one day at a time is such a key to your path. I know you are young, but make sure you rest too, play, have fun.

Also I am soooo glad you can have your dog! That is a big part of your family plus you will feel safer with your furface with you. It also will cut down your stress.

Geez I must have a lot of stress to need this many dogs....lol

PLEASE do not disappear on us. please.

I know you can do this and be happy! I have faith in you, BUT don't be afraid to come here and vent! LOVE,debilyn

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

I think the stress and worry is pretty normal especially with your history. Folks come into alanon feeling diminished and thinking they they have a bad "picker." One thing you committed to for a long time was your ex right? Hence, making these choices about a house and a job are scary because you are used to feeling stuck in a bad situation and don't want it to happen again. Just hazzarding some guesses based upon what I know of my own indecisiveness and where it comes from. The good thing is you are proceeding and walking through those fears and that is recovery.

Face Everything And Recover (FEAR) - New definition of Fear for us.

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

No worries with me disappearing on you Deb! I feel as though I am an Al-anon and MIP lifer! This program and this site have helped me to grow and change in the best ways possible and I intend on staying and receiving more and giving back what I can. If I do disappear at all it will be short lived just moving normal stuff, getting busy or waiting for service down there getting hooked up. I am so glad I have my dog too, best security feature ever! Sending you all love and support!

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.