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Christmas before last....Christmas day....driving to Nanna's house with our SIX...children....I stayed home sick. Texts from 3 older kids. "SOMETHING" wrong with Daddy. He can't stay awake. Acting funny. Something wrong.
When I realized..."HOW" bad. Ambien. Mixed with alcohol.
I almost called highway patrol, but he was pulling into Nanna's driveway....actually?....into the ditch.......on the side...of Nanna's drive way. His front left wheel....went into the drainage ditch.
Told kids to "NOT" get back in car with dad...try to get dad's keys. Older kids listened. Watched their dad. ALmost blew out the engine trying to back out of ditch. Kids said car was smoking. And dad drove off by himself to see if car was okay.
I got to Nanna's house an hour later, on the phone the whole way with the kids. Making sure they did not get in car if he returned. I think he drove to the cemetary...where their mom is buried.
I am the "step" mom. Their mom died giving birth to the 5th child. I met him 6 months later. Military. That was 9 years ago.
I moved out that Christmas. He went through intensive counseling through the military. Drug and rehab, Medical, and grief/mental. 6 months of counseling. Being seen 2-3 times a week.
He is also a gambler. He also is addicted to Strip clubs. Alcohol. Prescription meds.
"ANYTHING".......WII Golf with TIger Woods.....6-8 hours or longer.
Anything to take his mind off of his loss.....no coping skills....at all.
I have went to counseling. Marriage, parenting, grief. He and I went together...for 2 meetings. He refused to continue because "WE" were ganging up on him. SO he stopped. This was at the same time he was seeing all other counselor's on base. Was too much. Too manydocs talking to him at same time.
He finished required time and length in the treatment by military.
Gambling, drinking have picked back up. Mood swings. Yelling in rages.
No talking like adults.
I took a job out of state. He is to retire in December. Plan is for him and his kids to join me...once he retires. I can not even imagine that happening.
He has taken all of my authority with his kids away. He ensures that his children know that they come before me at ALL COSTS. ALmost like he has to PROVE to them that their wishes/desires.....will be met at any...and all costs.....even if it is to go against me...his wife....the other adult in the house.
The girls are teenagers....we have went through 2 already...now 17 and 18. It was a nightmare. NO DISCIPLINE. NO CONSEQUENCES AT ALL. NONE. Luckily, they are not HORRIBLE children...just children...and will go with the parent that says "YES". He made it very clear that I am the "BAD COP"..and he is the "GOOD COP". If I set a discipline?....he erases it. It is so futile to even ATTEMPT....to set boundaries...limits....reprecussions for actions.........for the children.....for him.
We have talked...been to counseling....I have moved out once.....it is all on the table. All.
He can not...control....these addictions. It is like seeing someone..possessed. As if he has NO CONTROL....
He has stolen money from my purse. I now hide my bank cards and never have any cash. WE have NO ACCOUNTS together.
Today I called the car insurance to cancel his car, off my policy. I have asked him in the last year and a half to get his own. He drinks and drives and I do not want him on my policy. His daughter is now on my policy because she drives his car. SHe has totalled one car of mine and 5 weeks later got a speeding ticket. 87 MPH with her little sister in the car.
It is surreal. Like a nightmare. NO limits. NO boundaries. NO reprecussions. He paid her ticket and that was that.
It has come to me moving out of state now "For the new job", and today cutting the ONLY thing left with "us" on it...the car insurance. The insurance company is calling him. He and I haven't spoken in 5 days now.
He had allowed his daughter to drive his car while he was out of town for 5 days. She was home with the other 4 children. She is 18 and the next is 17. He simply said...."I want her driving while I am gone".
No. He never got his own policy. With her on his. They both...are on mine.
He hadn't been letting her drive....until I moved out...and even so..I have been out 3 months now...and he just let her start driving again.
He drinks and drives. She is simply an inexperienced, irresponsible teenager. With no limits from her dad.
The insurance company said they have to give him 20 days to get his own and that I will still be responsible for any incidents until that date. In 20 days, if he does "NOT" get his own?...they will then just cancel his car off my policy.
My option now?.....is do I wait 20 days?.....or the representative said, that I could cancel immediately. ANd then have to pay for a new policy with another company.
I never knew it would come to this. His personality, this disease, in inability to cope with any stressor. They say it is a gene, the addictions, is genetic. I have read and read. ???? I just don't get it.
If you touch fire?..and it burns?............you won't touch it again right?
Not for people with addictions. No matter what has happened..or is happening.......it is not enough.....for him to get help.
He did go to counseling...only because the military ordered him to because I had called his entire chain of command after the Christmas incident.
To this day?......he denies it. He says he was avoiding being hit by a diesel truck and swerved into the rail on the highway. Yes...that is when the kids started freaking out...texting me.....when he hit the rail.
He will not discuss that day at all. I am positive..he doesn't even remember it...none of it......at all.
Day ended with me driving kids back to our house.....he ended up coming back home....and then going into a raging fit....because I had flushed the AMBIEN..down the drain.......the military police came........he gave them story about how his meds were doctor prescribed and his wife had no right in interferring with doctors orders....and demanded that he get taken to the hospital to get more.
They put him in an ambulance. Took him to a civilian hospital. And brought him back home.....with a written prescription for the next day at the drug store. He did not get his Ambien that night...and they brought him back to our house. He found me in my sons room...with them. And commenced to verbally attack me....argue.....yelling.....ranting...about his Ambien.
The military police came BACK out this time.....and I chose to leave. HE would not let me leave until I had neighbors call the military police so they could escort me out of our house.
I stayed in a motel for over a week and then got into a cheap, lower end apartment with my bilogical son and myself. Counselors said best while he was going through treatment.
I don't think it is going to work.
I have left him. Left state. New job. My own place that I pay for entirely on my own. Have "MY" son with me. Left him there with his 5 kids.
I just can not see.....us living to gether...ever again.
It was a nightmare. These past two years...were a nightmare living in that house with him...and his children. WIth him.
I was "ENEMY #1". I was his enemy. He would fight me at every turn, decision, thought. Especially if it came to something "HE" wanted....or ANY thing.....one of his kids...wanted. "IF" I said "NO"?.....it was world war III. SImply if I just said "NO'.....I won't take her to basketball...she is not in basketball...I already talked to her about it.....she and I discussed it....etc...etc..etc......she would in turn go and ask her dad. He would say yes to her. Then come to me. And "TELL ME"..."ORDER ME"...to take her.
It was flat out...INCREDULOUS!...to see happen. And "IF" I hadn't witnessed it with my own eyes?...I wouldn't believe the things that have happened. Just simply would not believe it.
I am left still.......replaying the incidents....and just shaking my head....and thinking.....no way.........no......way.
But they did......and his last stunt?.........was to let her drive that car.
Blatantly going against my rule. I pay the insurance. SHe doesn't drive. I told him I didn't even want "HIM" on my insurance. Had been telling him that. Because he drinks and drives. ?????....incredulous.
Allowing her to blatantly go against me. Telling her to drive even though I was calling her and txtng her NOT to drive his car. SHe never picked up. SHe never returned texts. Neighbor said she just drove off.
None of the kids....his kids...in the house.....have said anything to me since either. The other two big girls....17 and 12...have phones. Nothing.
Knowing thei sister is driving against my wishes. I txtd all of them...him and his kids....that I was removing his car from my policy. Period. That she was not to drive that car.
Nothing....from him....or the kids.
Now the insurance company is going to call him...or try...to tell him it is being cancelled.
Only thing?....is that they have to give him 21 days before they cancel and I am liable....for anything in those 21 days.
????????? so screwed.......and have to pay to get another policy...$300- $600 to start a new policy.
If I had known these details?......I NEVER would have added him...or her...to my policy......NEVER.
I am talked out..........just...........happy........that I got out. Happy that I am here. They are there..............before?....only place I had to go was the boys room.....under my son's college bunk....bottom had a desk thingy..and eventually I made my own little bed under there..not under the desk........just beneath his bunk bed.....
just jabbering now............*sigh*........know I am not the FIRST person to deal with a spouse like this......and just so thankful that there was no physical abuse...for any of us.......but the verbal was bad. Really...bad.
Just didn't want me...my son.....or his kids........to be around that anymore. So if I remove me?.........he doesn't have me to yell at.....and that helps everyone out. (shrug)....easy nuff......just take me out of the equation.
Just feel sorry for next person is all.............he needs help....serious...help....and is no where near.......admitting it.
I was once full of resentment, fear and absolutely on the ground around an alcoholic. Today I am not. I certainly can fill up with resentment in a heart beat.
Al anon can help you with your current situation, first of all by learning to detach, secondly by learning to focus on yourself and take care of yourself and thirdly by giving you support, encouragement and care.
I think its worth trying. There is also a book, Getting them Sober which can be a real help in learning to turn around expectations.
I hope you will stick around and let some miracles happen in your life. Remember the miracles are all about you, not about whether or not he drinks, uses, gambles, whatever.
I hope you can get to some face to face meetings. For me, it was Al-Anon that helped me to learn I had choices in all matters.
I didn't have the same issue with car insurance when I removed my exAH from my policy. But I knew if they'd told me I would have to cancel altogether and get a different policy, then I'd be more than willing if that meant a little peace of mind for myself.
My exAH was the same with his daughter. I think some part of him felt guilty for not being there in her whole life, so being her personal chauffeur was supposedly making up for all his past wrongs. Unfortunate thing was he thought I should feel so obligated myself. I went through many heavy disagreements with my ex in regards to that very same issue. Was told repeatedly how selfish I was when I said "no". And it was always made very clear to me that he put her before me, even if it wasn't the adult thing to do.
That's the disease, however. It likes to fight and stir the pot and create drama where none needs to exist.
Getting to face to face Al-Anon meetings and connecting regularly with my sponsor helped me get through that all.
I went through a similar nightmare with car insurance with the now ex A. I sympathize greatly. I was so so very lucky he didn't kill anyone all the time I was liable for him.
That quagmire of stress, chaos and neverending drama is indeed absolutely draining and can absolutely obsess anyone. Detaching was so so very key to me. I had to let it go. The ex A did indeed total the truck that I paid for. He did indeed make sure he got all the insurance money and had no qualms about doing it. The goods news is it didn't destroy me.
I also think that so many of us think that without us the ex A's won't survive. They are such great great manipulators (all part of the disease) they find a way. For a while the now ex A was homeless living out of a car. He eventually found a relative who was willing to put up with him. He flits back and forth to my area and I make a point of not talking to him. There is an end at some point if you want one.
Like you I felt absolutely responsible for every aspect of the ex A's life. He had health issues, he had financial issues (lieus and more) he had car issues. Whatever issues it was his absolutely squashed any of mine. If I was sick it was "inconvenient" if I struggled on a job it was petty. He once smashed my truck to bits when he had a tantrum at the job. That was totally acceptable as far as he was concerned because he was 'angry'.
I can't tell you the path of al anon is an easy one without any problems. I'm 5 years out from leaving the now ex A. My life has been far from easy but I'm not suffused in any one elses problems but my own. I don't have to worry about someone killing someone and me having to take fiscal responsibility for it.
I'm glad you are here. The path out is there with al anon. Whatever the A does we can find ways to not be destroyed by it.
Dear Hope: Good for you for getting out! If it were me, it would be so worth it to cancel the policy and pay whatever to instate a new one. Just three weeks when you don't have to worry about that. I'd say sign me up for that! Please keep posting. Welcome, Temple
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It's easy to be graceful until someone steals your cornbread. --Gray Charles
I read your whole post but the bit that stuck out for me was your comment about touching fire getting burnt and not touching it again.
I really wish that was the case.. for me and for the addict.
If I learnt from touching the first fire (dealing with the addict and his behaviour) I would have walked then and there and never gone back the next day.
but I didn't. I went back and back again. I tried to deal with it .. again... I kept putting my hand in that fire.
I tried to put the fire out so it wouldn't hurt, or to change the path of the fire .. I cant control a fire I am afraid....
I even went from one fire to another relationship where I could see the fire starting and I STILL put my hand in it... and it hurt AGAIN!!!!!
Now, here I am ... with fire gloves on (alanon) for my own safety around fires
My dear. I am so happy you have your kid and are safe and able to financially provide for yourself. That is truly a blessing.
In my humble opinion, starting a new insurance policy and releasing yourself from a potential lawsuit if he killed someone would be very much worth your peace of mind.
I am former military police...I am stunned he is allowed to retire. Keep posting...Al Anon has some truly lifesaving tools.
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Only to the extent that we expose ourselves over and over to annihilation can that which is indestructible be found in us. -from Pema Ch๖dron's When Things Fall Apart
he needs help....serious...help....and is no where near.......admitting it.
Welcome to MIP, and glad you found us.... Wow, your story was a lot to deal with, for sure.... I highlighted the above line for a reason.... It's real obvious that HE needs help.... what isn't always as obvious to us is that WE also need help.... Even if you are done with him for good, the effect is still there, and his alcoholism/addictions/etc have definitely had an affect on you...
I would strongly encourage you to seek recovery.... for YOU. Al-Anon is a great program, where you will be surrounded by others who have walked in your shoes, and who understand.... Lots of good books out there, - "Getting Them Sober", volume one, written by Toby Rice Drews - literally saved my sanity.
Keep coming back
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
