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My exabf has been drinking for about ten weeks and we seperated. He has been really ill. I made the mistake of getting intimate with him about a week ago after a girls night out. He has now gone back to AA so he says and wants to talk.
I do not want to talk I told him I made a mistake and apologised for sending wrong messages told him I do not trust him. I do not want a relationship. He wants to talk that is what it is talk. I know he wants to wear me down, I know the cycle. I am tired told him I am going to bed he said he will ring me in the morning. I carnt go back I ahve grieved for 10 weeks and have started to enjoy myself I do miss him I would be ying if I said I never. I just have no hope left he has been in AA for 3 years. He said he is going to do what ever it takes. I DO NOT TRUST HIM. I want to run away.
I am going to bed I need to pray and talk to my friends in recovery. My innervoice is telling me to take care of me no more pain. He is pressuring me, its my own fault for contacting him when i had been out with the girls.
I am powerless over him I want to let go and move on he said I know you love me I will sort this but I have heard it all before I will not risk it anymore.
The best ESH I have is for me when the pain outweighed the emotional payoff which is where you are at from the sounds of things I just came to the understanding I was done. This is not any fun. The acceptance I had to gain was that I am addicted to the drama/emotional drunk of the situation. It takes a LOT of time to get off that merry go round. Getting a shot of that adrenaline is some of the most powerful stuff in the world. I'd be willing to say the same high that an addict gets off of their drug of choice, sometimes I wonder if it's stronger because we come from such an emotional place and it's an emotional high.
If nothing changes ... nothing changes, something I've heard around the tables is that good intentions are not what makes things so. The action of what someone does far outweighs what they "think" they may or may not do. Most active addicts I know .. mean what they say in that moment the issue is the moment passes and when the rubber needs to meet the road of what action comes next, .. Next Right Thing. If that is not happening then it's blah blah blah, and someone else mentioned blue fog coming out of their addicts mouth.
I don't know if you go to meetings or if you have a sponsor, if you do either I would say when these moments hit .. call an alanon friend and talk it out. Reason things out and figure out what is going to work and what isn't.
Something I feel VERY strongly about especially right now is to get yourself tested if you didn't practice safe sex .. my trust level is shot in this area .. as a woman do this for yourself because it's a very loving thing to do.
Hugs, keep coming back .. give that fear over to HP and you know what you know, P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
If you don't want to talk, then you don't have to talk. You can say that once and then not answer his calls, open his e-mails, etc. Generally as soon as we begin to draw away they go into a huge effort to get us enmeshed again. The way I understand that is that they want everything the way it was, and they don't want any evidence that their behavior might have been harmful. If we're there as always, they can say to themselves, "See? She stays. Because my drinking is no big deal." And they like their lives to be convenient and without changes. And when we pull away, they start feeling alone and having feelings and that's a no-no for them.
But we don't have to buy into it. We can just go about our own lives. Their buzzing is just like a mosquito, just swat it away.
I can relate and I love the ESH you received already! I used to mess up with my exAH for a long time and after awhile I realized how harmful it was for me to continue, knowing what I know! So no more of that, but it was a process that I had to figure out on my own. Sometimes the pain of seeing and hearing the irrational A was worth it, but usually it wasn't. It's about progress not perfection. Sending you love and support!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
Hi! What maybe helpful is to read through some of the posts on this board and other al-anon boards and notice the # of reference of XAH or XABF's, that might help you to know you don't want that type future for yourself. This is just a suggestion not advice, I pray that HP (God for me) grace will infold you in His loving arms. With love!
Highlyfavored!!
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Just go a step at a time, one day at a time. And you'll find a rich, thankful life you never thought you could afford.--A Rogers
The wearing down, the pain outweighing the payoff, the denial Mattie wrote about...this thread is awesome already!
Tracy, it sounds like you really, really know what you want (or rather, don't want!) and that's a huge plus. You were honest and admitted your mistake. Took guts to do that, now keep on movin' forward. You owe him nothing, not a response to an email or a phone call. Healthy people do not pressure others for relationship. You are lonely and you had a vulnerable moment which you took full responsibility for. That's all it has to be. I think it is awesome you were able to recognize all this about yourself and pull back.
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Only to the extent that we expose ourselves over and over to annihilation can that which is indestructible be found in us. -from Pema Chödron's When Things Fall Apart
Pretty tough stuff. I know when I first left the ex A five years ago I was still very much in active contact with him for a long time. There were a lot of loose ends, some of them were our pets, other things were still very much up in the air. The ex A lied lied and then lied some more about everything under the sun.
I agonized, complained, felt incredibly responsible for him. He was an incredible manipulator. He could have people sheltering him in a second. That's how he has survived. He could also have people believing his ex (whoever it was) was the devil incarnate and in that way get sympathy and care.
I had to detach, detach and then detach some more. Some times I put my phone on airplane mode (that means no calls in or out). If he ever calls me now I switch it to that right away. No response and he goes away. They have to get a response to keep at it.
No one here is going to judge you for giving him another chance, you're human not perfect. At the same time you have the al anon tools to help you now and you can use them to alleviate the bombardment you are going through.
Your posting sounded very much like a 4th and 5th Step on your relationship. I also heard a 6th Step where you were entirely ready to have HP remove your shortcomings.
Keep on going. Ask HP to lift your shortcomings and then proceed to making amends.
