The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Hi... glad you found us, but unfortunately there is no clear or precise answer to 'how fast they will spin out of control'... Everyone is different, and factors such as: how long he has been an alcoholic; how engaged he is (or at least can be) in his program of recovery; etc., all have a huge influence on that answer....
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
I'm so sorry. I'm glad you found us and hope you can find a good meeting and keep coming back. Even if your father isn't around normally, dealing with this leaves aftereffects and we all can use support in moving forward. Nobody should have to deal with this stuff alone.
I know that the dread of what might happen is bad even if it turns out that on this occasion nothing happens. But from my experience with alcoholics, it's realistic to be concerned that he might be showing the effects. I think if I were in your shoes, I'd have a "Plan B" for the various occasions. Like, if you go out to dinner and suddenly you find he's roaring drunk, you'd have a Plan B -- a boundary that would take you out of the situation. (Since obviously you can't control him -- if only we could control them, none of this would be an issue.) So you at least have a separate ride to the restaurant, and you decide to get your food boxed and go home, or whatever would be suitable. In my situation I always had to have things ready to say, also, or else the person would try to manipulate me into behaving as if things weren't going off the rails.
In my case it took a lot of recovery to know what was realistic and how to arrange it. But even a little bit of forethought can make a big difference. For one thing, it keeps me from the "What if?" anxiety that can be overwhelming.
Hi there mom of 3 and welcome. My dad is also an alcoholic and I know what it can be like. I also agree that having a plan B is a great idea. And having a safety mechanism in place too, like holding my car keys when I start to feel the tension in the environment to remind me of my choice to leave at any moment I choose. Or have a reading ready to slip away and read to keep me focused on recovery. I can totally relate to childhood feelings being triggered off in the present, and I know I have to take good extra care of my inner child around my parents. Remember you are grown now and he doesn't have that power over in the same way any more. Keep popping back to the forum or online meetings and chatroom for ongoing support...also I find that praying for hp to help me cope is good, and taking their visit one hour at a time if need be, with plenty of time out for yourself to stay strong. Best of luck and thinking of you. Tigger x
Hi Glad you are here... hope I am not posting too late for you...
Pre deployment mode, as I see it, is trying to plan for any number of events... unforseen circumstances... this is what the objective or 'briefing' is... here are some ways we are going to go about that.... for me, thats what I understand as predeployment mode.
If the attack is going well.. its an ambush???
Alcoholics can ambush plans all the time.
What is the general strategy? What is the retreat plan? Remember to regroup too.
Support groups are important and I am glad you have found us.
There is no time frame, usual habits, unfortunately this is dealing with human whims and thoughts.
Plan of attack?? Dont attack hahahaha. Go on a hearts and minds mission.
Once I learned in Al-Anon to make the choices that gave me the consequences I wanted I would set up choices that didn't result in the "spin out" mode. I got over the fear of my step-father and mother and just set my own atmosphere up and then stood up and smiled.
No drinking or using in my atmosphere...smile smile smile. (((hugs)))
I used to feel absolutely invaded by the ex A's friends. Learning to set limits has been so key for me. I think the issue with learning to set limits is to think small, act decisively and keep reviewing. No one is going to learn boundaries overnight.
Personally I don't know that even at this stage of my recovery I could handle a 5 day visit from anyone. For me being around an alcoholic is all about expectations. If I expect them to be an alcoholic its all well and good. If I expect anything other than that from them its me who is in deep water.
I do know that having a sponsor, having a program helps tremendously. I think its a big help to ask for help too. I know that I was an absolute mess when I got here. I was so indecisive and felt so absolutely out of confidence around everything. things do get better but it takes a lot of work at boundaries and persistence to get there. The point is you are on the way with feeling like its worth changing. Every little step moves to a better step.
